Why You Should Be Talking About Sex With Your Partner

Body positive influencer and Hitched regular Sophie Lait is nothing short if inspirational when it comes to her relationship with herself. She’s already taught us a thing or two about overcoming insecurities as a bride-to-be and now, she’s here to give insight on one of the most taboo topics in a relationship. Sex. 

Here’s what she had to say…

Why You Should Be Talking About Sex With Your Partner

I've been with my fiancé since 2017 and I always felt like there was something wrong with me because my libido was always really low and I experienced a lot of pain when we had sex. I was diagnosed with endometriosis in May 2021. 

I was so lucky because whilst I was experiencing lots of confusing feelings about my body sexually, my partner was patient and supported me in every way possible. 

Despite his support, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I never really knew how to properly communicate my feelings, so I wouldn't necessarily talk about them too much. Sometimes I would try to cover up how I was feeling when the idea of having sex came up.

I knew right from the start of our relationship that my sexual needs were completely different to my partner’s, but I was too ashamed to talk about it. 

It wasn't until I got diagnosed with endometriosis that my partner and I decided to sit down, talk and try to understand what we needed from each other intimately. 

READ MORE: How to Bring Intimacy Back into Your Relationship

What I Learned After Opening Up About My Sexual Needs

I knew that I had to reimagine who I was as a person and really be honest with both him and myself about what I needed. I was so embarrassed to talk about sex outside of sex actually happening, but looking back, it was really important that we did. 

Discussing it made him understand what I needed from the relationship, but it also allowed me to be honest with myself about how I needed to be more truthful. 

I am not able to do certain positions because of the pain I experience. It can be absolutely excruciating for me because of my condition - and that’s not how anyone should be experiencing sex. 

But despite the pain, throughout the years I've been sexually active, I’ve just endured it because I believed that I should be able to. Why I put myself through that, I’ll never quite understand. But it goes to show just how uncomfortable people are talking openly about their sexual needs. 

READ MORE: The Most Romantic Couples Spa Breaks in the UK

How to Talk About Your Sexual Needs

My advice? Talk! And do it sooner rather than later. 

Whether it’s because you were in pain like me, or you just want more (or something different!) from your sexual relationship, talking is the only solution. Openness, honesty and a bit of bravery. 

I promise, it’s way less daunting once you get the conversation going. 

How can you have the best possible sexual experience if you don’t know what your partner likes and doesn’t like? And hear me when I say this - you *deserve* the best possible sexual experience - as does your partner!

Without going into too much detail, I was doing something for two years that I thought my partner loved. Eventually, he was honest with me and told me that he didn't like it. I’m not going to lie, I was absolutely mortified. Not because I was doing something he didn’t like, but because I’d been doing it for so long without knowing he didn't enjoy it. 

I’m not going to sit here and pretend it’s as easy as talking about what you want for dinner - although we know how hard *that* can be at times. The truth is, talking about this stuff can feel embarrassing. But what’s the point in cracking on and doing the fun stuff if the fun stuff isn’t actually that fun for one of you?

Whether it’s telling them there’s something you really want to try, or pointing something out that you don’t enjoy, honesty really is the best policy. 

Even if you genuinely don't know what you like and what you don't like, that is another conversation you can have with your partner. Say I'm really unsure of what turns me on or gets me going, and I would really like your help finding out.

I never used to be confident talking about sex or intimate time, but I've just found that being open with my fiancé has truly made our relationship stronger - our connection has really grown because of it. 

It’s been hard for me to come to terms with my diagnosis. Because of my endometriosis, my libido has suffered enormously over the years - but talking openly with my partner is what’s helped me deal with it.

If, like me, there’s a barrier between you and a fully active sex-life, there are so many ways in which you can still enjoy sex. 

READ MORE: The Best Long-Distance Sex Toys for Couples

How to Build Confidence in the Bedroom

From incorporating food into your intimate time to make it more fun, to buying a couple’s sex toy that you can experiment with and use together, there are so many ways to enjoy sex that fall outside the realm of full intercourse. 

The key to experimenting and exploring sexually is to do it with confidence. And that doesn’t always come easily.

When I say confidence, I don’t mean in your own sexuality or ability, I mean confidence to be yourself and give things a go in front of your partner, and the best way to build that confidence is through open communication. 

When I got my diagnosis, I felt such a huge amount of burden and guilt which affected my libido even more. Whether it’s because you have a diagnosis like me, feel insecure about your body image or just aren’t confident in the bedroom, I want you to know that you are not alone. 

You haven’t failed because you aren’t living your fully-realised sex life. What you want, what you enjoy and what you need from sex will change throughout different phases in your life, so developing that open dialogue now will only benefit you as your relationship progresses, or you enter new ones. 

Figure things out on your own, then figure things out with your partner because hear me when I say this, everyone deserves a good sex life, and everyone can get there!

If you're looking for something to add that spark into your relationship, take a look at the best places to buy sex toys online - there's something for everyone! 

See More of Sophie's Hitched Content: 

Dear Insecure Bride: How to Combat Insecurities Before Your Wedding