45 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Want to know the secret to great best man speeches? Jokes! Love them or loathe them, jokes are at the heart of any great wedding toast, whether you're delivering one as the best man or best woman. Since no-one’s expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it’s okay to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes.

Whether you’re on the hunt for some witty ice breaker jokes, funny openers, or punchy one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up 45 of our favourite jokes that work perfectly when writing funny best man speeches, and will leave the audience in stitches. 

Plus, they're super easy to mix up for a  LGBTQ+ couple. We spoke to Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy, who shared her top tips on how to write the best best man's speech with jokes that will have everyone laughing. 

So, without further ado, here's our selection of funny wedding speech jokes worthy of applause:

45 of the Funniest Best Man Jokes for Speech

1. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

2. If there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME].

3. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the [NAME] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks’ bill.

4. All those amongst you who know [PARTNER] well will know that she/he is a wonderful and caring person. S/he deserves a good husband. Thank God [NAME] married her/him before s/he found one.

5. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team to [PARTNER] – Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.

6. I’d also like to congratulate [NAME] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

7. [PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [NAME] please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment [NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.

8. I do have to say though [name] just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a [WIFE/HUSBAND] who is warm, loving and caring. And [PARTNER], how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

9. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.

10. I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.

11. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

12. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [NAME], they have at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.

13. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

14. We all know the [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.

15. As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

16. Well, I do hope that [PARTNER] and [NAME] enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked [NAME] what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

17. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

18. Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [PARTNER] didn’t plan.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [NAME]. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. 

20. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about [NAME]!

21. The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [NAME]'s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-partners. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!

22. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [BEST MAN] and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘[BEST MAN]-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

23. So where do I start with [NAME]? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry…[NAME] I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.

24. I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

25. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?

26. I’m going to keep this speech like [NAME] – short and not very funny.

27. I can only say in my defence that [NAME] and I share the same sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny, please feel free to blame [NAME].

28. Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN], I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

29. I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.

30. I’m here to give a speech about [NAME] – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on Jeremy Kyle?

31. I heard there was a sweepstake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 40 minutes – so settle in.

32. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

33. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.

34. They say if you're nervous about giving a speech you should imagine the audience naked. [Look around, look horrified] God, now I feel worse!

35. When it came to writing this speech, I Googled 'best man speech examples' and found some great stuff! So, let me tell you about [WRONG NAME]...

Are you starting to write your best man’s speech? Once you’ve nailed the best man speech jokes, we’ve got all the advice you need on how to structure your best man’s speech and great ending toasts to finish with.

How to Write a Best Man's Speech with Jokes

Incorporating a few jokes into your best man's speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd - Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy, revealed one of the easiest ways to master this is by using comedy based on observation. 

"It’s just noticing the strange things in life that we take for granted. Everyone in this world is weird in their very own way, so start checking out the groom. Question his behaviour, habits and the unwritten rules of your friendship.

"Look at the everyday frustrations and recurring issues. To make observational humour work, the trick is to be as specific as possible. Even positive qualities can be humorous if you dissect them," explains Heidi. 

Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is by using exaggeration: "I exaggerate 300% of my life. Just think of a quirk that the groom is known for and imagine it in its most extreme form."

Funny Best Man Jokes that Won’t Offend the Groom

Worried about offending the groom? Heidi suggests that "self-deprecation is also a brilliant tool to utilise. Arguably, the strongest form of comedy and certainly, the safest. No one will be offended if you’re offending yourself." 

But, if you do want to give the groom a bit of a roasting, just make sure to do it with kindness. Subjects that you’ve seen them become sensitive or upset about in the past are definitely off the table! Stick to safe topics and turn them into some playful icebreaker jokes to lighten the mood.

For instance, let’s say the groom is obsessed with sport, has a slightly receding hairline, or never gets a round in at the pub… you can easily throw in some of these teasing best man jokes about football, losing their hair, and buying drinks if you think they would go down well.

Here are a few examples of great opening jokes and closing one-liners that shouldn’t overstep the mark.

36. “This has truly been a day to remember. [NAME] finally bought a round of drinks!”

37. “I’ve played football with [NAME] on many occasions and never seen him lose a ball… as he doesn’t kick it that far. In fact, he struggles to kick it full stop.”

38. “[NAME] may not dazzle you with his wit or good looks. But he will dazzle you with the top of his head.”

39. “Getting married to someone who is balding makes everything so much easier. For example, whenever the photographer calls for a picture, all [NAME] has to do is straighten his tie!”

40. “[NAME] has been so worried about getting married. In fact, he’s been tearing his hair out!”

How to Write a Speech as the Best Man and Brother to the Groom

If you’re the brother or a sibling to the person getting married and you’ve been asked to make a speech as their Best Man or Best Woman, then you’re in a very unique position! You get to draw upon years of life experience and memories with the person getting hitched, which can make the jokes even funnier and more personal. And of course, all of these jokes can be switched up and modified to fit any sibling relationship. 

Here are some to get you started, and you can find even more by reading up on how to write a best man speech for your brother. 

41. “I want to say a few complimentary things about the groom. He’s handsome, intelligent and gifted at sports. Of course, none of this should come as a surprise – we come from the same gene pool.”

42. “If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the groom’s younger brother. The upgrade, if you will.”

43. “I've always wanted to give a speech - [NAME] is like a genie, he's granted a wish for me today. And I always wanted a sister, and I have that now in [NAME]. But not all wishes come true, after all - I've still got [NAME] as a brother.”

44. “We didn’t play together that much, growing up. [NAME] was the sort of kid my mum told me to stay away from.”

45. “[NAME] blamed me for everything growing up. So, let’s call this speech ‘payback’”.  

Can You Joke About the Bride in a Best Man's Speech?

Joking about someone's partner in the best man's speech is something you should carefully consider as it depends on how well you know them and your relationship. 

"You need to judge this carefully but if you could affectionately tease them down the pub, then I’d hope you could do it within your speech. Obviously nothing crude or genuinely rude and nothing that could be taken the wrong way or worry the grannies," explains Heidi. 

"Some people may suggest you play it safe and stick to the gushing compliments - but having been a bride myself, I loved that the best man at our wedding felt comfortable enough to acknowledge some of my more questionable habits. It cemented the fact that he was my friend as well as my husband's," she reveals. 

This rule of thumb applies for any type of best man speech, whether that be for a bride and groom, two grooms or two brides. If you're unsure on what to do or aren't certain they'll be a good sport, Heidi suggests keeping the jokes focused on whoever you are closest to. 

7 Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech

If you are planning a best man’s speech then don’t miss our top tips:

• Avoid in-jokes that most guests won’t understand!
• Keep it clean – you don’t want to be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma…
• Pause for laughter - and if it doesn't come, you can tell people they were supposed to laugh there
• Add a personal twist – see if any of these jokes can be amended to suit something that relates to the couple
• Make notes - you might think you'll remember it off by heart, but it's handy to have notes to refer back to
• Project your voice - don't shout, but aim to be heard at the back of the room
• End with a toast - it's the best way to wrap it up

Planning on being the best best man ever? Here's how to plan the perfect stag do!