45 Short, Funny Wedding Toasts & One Liners

Got funny bones and need to brighten up the end of a wedding speech? Funny wedding toasts are the perfect way to get a giggle at the end of a speech or reading, and we've got all the best ideas here for you. 

Whether you're giving a best man speech, a groom's speech or you're a parent of one of the newlyweds, most people who give a wedding speech will end with some form of toast - so why not make it a funny one? You're going to need some pretty hilarious one liners to guarantee belly laughs, and that's where we come in. 

Parents and friends of the couple will generally toast to the happy couple - and brides or grooms giving toasts will often toast to their partner. Whether you’re giving a speech on your own wedding day or the happy couple have asked you to say a few words, you’ll want to round things off with some wedding toast humour. 

• Funny Wedding Toasts and One Liners
• Funny Marriage Toast Examples
• Short, Funny Wedding Toasts to End a Speech

Funny Wedding Toasts and One Liners

To ensure your funny wedding toast packs a punch, you want to keep it short, snappy and most importantly...funny!

1. "Before you marry a person, you should first watch them use a computer with slow internet - that'll show you who they really are."

2. "All you need is love...but a takeaway now and then doesn't hurt!"

3. "My advice? Don't ever laugh at your partner's choices, because you were one of them!"

4. "You were married by a judge - you should have asked for a jury."

5. "Marry someone your own age because as your beauty fades, so will their eyesight."

6. "Marry an archaeologist - the older you get, the more interested they become in you."

7. "There's only one way to have a happy marriage...and as soon as I learn it, I'll get married again."

8. "As Dr Seuss once said, 'We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love'."

9. "Saying 'I do' at your wedding is like clicking the 'Accept' button any time something pops up on your computer screen. You just do it despite having no clue what it actually means."

10. "You know you're killing it at the whole marriage malarkey when you ask your partner to pass you 'the thingymajig' and they know exactly what you mean."

11. "We're gathered here today to honour something that is so truly magical, special and wonderful. Of course I am talking about that cake!"

12. "True love does not come from finding the perfect person, luckily for you guys."

13. "I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

14. "May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom."

15. "Congratulations on the termination of your isolation, and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population."

16. "Here’s to you and here’s to me, I hope we never disagree. But if, perchance, we ever do, then here’s to me, to hell with you."

17. "May our children be blessed with rich parents, and my looks!"

Hitched Tip: When ending with a one-liner, you want to make sure the delivery is sharp and the comedic timing is spot on. Ensure it's the last thing you say in your wedding toast to ensure you end on a hilarious high. 

Funny Marriage Advice for Wedding Toasts

What's a funny wedding toast without some funny marriage advice for the newlyweds, hey? These marriage toast examples are perfect to be used by friends or family of the newlyweds, offering a bit of loving advice from you, to them. 

18. "I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame."

19. "To the happy couple. May you share everything in life, especially the housework."

20. "May neither of you ever lie, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. If you must cheat, cheat death, and if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!"

21. "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."

22. "The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."

23. "Getting married is easy! Sundays in Ikea are when it starts getting really tough."

24. "Marriage is a wonderful thing entered by two people. One who can't sleep with the window shut, and the other who can't sleep with it open."

25. "Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park"

26. "Marriage is not just an emotional connection, it's also about remembering to take the bins out."

27. "To keep a marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, when you are wrong, admit it, and when you are right, shut up!"

28. "[Insert name] was incomplete before he/she got married. Now they're married, they're finished."

29. "Love is blind, but marriage, marriage is the eye opener."

30. "Now for some advice from me. The secret to my happy marriage is dinner twice a week. My partner goes on Tuesdays and I go on Thursdays."

31. "In the words of the great Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf."

32. "And now for my final words of advice, if at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way [insert partner's name] told you to do it."

33. "Love is like toothache - it doesn't show up on an X-Ray, but you know it's definitely there..."

Hitched Tip: To make these marriage toast examples more personal, try adding in something relevant to the couple. For example, the Sundays in Ikea toast could be made more bespoke by replacing the word 'Ikea' with their favourite shop - maybe they're Home Bargains fans or love a bit of Lidl? 

Short, Funny Wedding Toasts to End a Speech

If you're wondering how to end a speech, these funny wedding toasts and one liners are bound to help. Remember to introduce the next person as well if someone is speaking after you!

34. "Time to raise our glasses to the happy couple because I like both of you - do you have any idea how rare that is?"

35. "Before I finish, I’d like you to turn to face each other. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the happy couple!"

36. "Now let's toast to the two secrets to a happy marriage. Humour and short-term memory."

37. "Before we raise a glass to the newlyweds, I’d like to share a Pauline Thomason quote with you: ‘Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.’ To the happy couple!"

38. "To marriage - the only war where, once a month, you sleep with the enemy."

39. "For one more time, I’m going to ask everyone to charge their glasses and – for those who still can – stand, and raise a glass to the newlyweds."

40. "Raise your glasses and join me in congratulating you the happy couple on the huge mound of debt they've just acquired from throwing this wedding!"

41. "May you raise your glasses to marriage and the sacred bond between two people, and let me be clear…I said ‘sacred’, not ‘scared’."

42. "To love, laughter, happily ever after - and to these two beauties who paid for the free bar!"

43. "So finally, a toast to the happy couple. Thank you for buying us all dinner today, so kind of you."

44. "I'll end this toast with my best advice - never go to bed mad. Instead, stay up and fight it out." 

45. "Raise a glass to the happy couple. May your marriage be as strong as the drinks in your hand. Cheers!"

Hitched Tip: Remember to introduce the next person as well if someone is speaking after you! Give the guests enough time to giggle at your toast joke and then introduce whoever is following you, unless you're the last to go. 

If you like these funny quotes, you’ll love our favourite funny wedding readings and these totally inappropriate (but hilarious) wedding songs.