Speech by

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator:
Speech Date: May 1999
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm the best man – I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat; …if I go on too long Helen has threatened to cut it.

Actually it is a great honour to be asked to be a Best Man…as well as terrifying. Being asked to be the best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the queen mum….It's a great great honour but nobody really wants to do it. But, I feel I have succeeded in my first duty, that of getting John to the church, sober, on time and eventually married.

Before I carry on with John's character assassination, I would like to thank the Brides Maids for performing their role so wonderfully and looking so thoroughly beautiful throughout the day. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers!

So what do we know about John? John was born on 3rd September 1974 in Leeds, where he spent his formative years, which explains some of his more bizarre habits now. Incidentally he shares the year of his birth with Kate Moss but that's all he has ever shared with her. Interestingly enough soon after John was born 1974, free family planning became available on the NHS.

I have known John for over 13 years and I have known Helen for 4 years…it just feels like 13. I remember meeting John as a snotty nosed eleven-year-old boy at the West Bridgford School in Nottingham. We were in the same tutor group and become friends soon after. Not because we liked each other, but because we kept each other company during the 25-minute walk to and from school.

Soon we were 14 years old. Full of hormones, energy and a highly developed interest in girls. To fund our newly found interests we launched our careers in spectacular style by starting a dish washing job at a restaurant in Nottingham. Incidentally, this was John's first and last real job.

And then during the same year, in the summer of 1989 it happened. We finally made our clubbing debut one evening at the under 15s Night at the Ritzy in Nottingham where some years later he would for the first time, set eyes on his wife to be. Bedazzled by bright lights, loud music and more girls that any adolescent schoolboy can comprehend we hit the dance floor. This was where I was to witness the raw, and still undiscovered talent of John's rhythm. Regularly he would empty the dance floor with his dance moves , which would leave all the ladies speechless. So speechless in fact that they never spoke to him.

Two years later John left school to the sadness of the headmaster. With such a ‘strong’ intellectual ability John had no alternative but to pursue a career in one of the worlds most respected professions – Football. It was only a matter of time before the blue eyed boy of West Bridgford School would be rubbing shoulders with superstars, frequenting all day drinking events, tripping up stairs, falling asleep on toilets and appearing in the tabloids – Normal behaviour.

I'd like to tell you about all of the mammoth drinking binges footballer's and stars go on. I'd like to tell you about the sordid events that went on during our nights out together. In fact I'd like some one to tell me because I just can't remember – Something about beer amnesia or something…I can't remember.

During the last few years, we've done many things and most of them pretty daft, most of them are related to nights out and most of them related to vodka. But with Melissa, John has become more refined. This is a man with a passion for movies, a love for literature, an eye for the funny and a fetish for dressing up in 70’s gear.

I remember talking to Helen when we were first introduced. She told me that the first time she laid eyes on John she thought he was handsome from afar, but earlier she told me that now she thought he was far from handsome.

Anyway John reckons marriage is like his beloved football. He's fully committed every week, intends to score every Saturday, change ends at half time and plays away for half of the season. Funny that, ‘ cos Helen reckons he'll definitely have a groin injury if he does.

I believe marriage is a wonderful thing… marriage will teach John loyalty, self-restraint, control, it will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single… I asked John, what he was looking for in marriage, he said love, happiness and eventually a family. When I asked Helen the same question, she replied……A TOASTER!

Now John and Helen will be the first to admit that they are not mere youngsters setting out on the road to adulthood, so it's fair to say that their must be some past history here. *** BIG GRIN*** Because of this I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper. It read as follows:- Notice to the ladies of ‘England’. Former bachelor extraordinaire John J. Warner Nottingham is getting married on 5th June 1999 to Miss Helen Hancock. Would those of you still retaining keys to his house kindly return them to the best man at the address below before this date. If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so. I have a few of the more interesting keys right here; Pull out big bag of keys. 1. Then I pull out a key with a nice thong attached to it with a note saying ‘good luck John’. 2. Next I pull out a key with handcuffs attached to it with a note saying ‘ you can have these but I am keeping the whip’ . 3. Next a pair of mens underpants – ‘Good luck, lots of love John’-I'm sure that's a misunderstanding… 4. Lastly A key attached to a giant box of viagra from his doctor. The message reads : "I think you might need these !"

We may be asking ourselves what Helen sees in John, I regularly do as well. But they do say love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. So I'd just like to say John, you are a lucky groom; marrying Helen today. She deserves a good husband… So thank goodness you married her before she found one.

In life you can count your true friends on one hand, these being people who will drop whatever they are doing and do all they can to help you in your hour of need. I remember when I lost my job, John was there. When my girlfriend dumped me, John was there. When I broke my leg, John was there. In fact thinking about it you are a blummin’ jinx John.

I can't imagine how John feels today, how does the first day of the rest of your life manifest itself for a man who's experience of reality is that unpleasant pause while the playstation loads the next game? But I am sure the quiet beaches of Arooba will soften the blow, and that both of you will enjoy a long and happy life together. I am sincere when I say that today, for once in my life, I am truly jealous of my friend. And the least I can hope for as consolation, as he departs for his honeymoon, is his playstation.

And finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day. I started planning this speech a month ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long; but now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to John and Helen – because I think that they were made for each other:: May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.

Before I leave you all I would like to read out a some of the messages of those who couldn't make it today. The first is from the lads at football: We've found John to be useless in every position. Hope Helen has more luck. Congratulations.

The second is from Kate in Madrid. Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted. Love Kate.

…Okay shows over … thanks for putting up with me and see you later.. I'm off to get a well-deserved drink!