Speech by A Forster

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: A Forster
Speech Date: apr 2003
Clive Simmons Best Man Speech

Intro:

Hello Ladies and Gentleman, nice to see you all here today. For those of you who don't know me my name is "Andrew whatareyou drinking".
If you have the undoubted pleasure of bumping into me later please call me by my name.

I have had so long to prepare for Helen and Clives wedding I have actually produced three different versions:

Offer to bride:

VERSION 1 Rated U
VERSION 2 Rated PG
VERSION 3 Rated 18

She chooses last one whatever:

About 15 months ago we were heading out in our car over to Empingham to see my parents for dinner. As we drove up Empingham road we noticed a lone figure, struggling against the elements trying to string up a banner across the entrance to Helen and Clives residence!

Was it a scene of crimes banner had Helen finally succumbed and murdered Clive………?

No to our great relief it wasn't a policewoman at all it was Fay putting up a “congratulations on you engagement banner.”
Excellent news we thought !!!!
Then about 200 yards up the road a frightening thought struck me (which is quite a momentous occasion in our house), breaking out into a cold sweat I was trying to get it clear in my mind what was concerning me then BINGO …

Then the brain started whirring and it all clicked into place !……….… I had forgotten to bring Karen with me and had to turn round and go and fetch her, she wouldn't be happy…………………..…

No seriously ……Clive had been best man at my wedding and had always said if he got married I would be expected to return the favour!

When we arrived in Empingham (with Karen and Jet, our dog whom I had also forgotten), I related my best man concerns to my father. …I was looking for reassurance and positive vibes, you know the sort of thing fathers normally hand out…… however, all I got was a rather strange analogy….…

"You know Andrew (what are you drinking) being best man is like being asked to sleep with the Queen …………It's truly a great honour but nobody actually wants to do it !!!!!!!

Well Thanks! That really helped.

Main Body:

Now Clive and myself have know each other and been friends for as long as I can remember so that approximately from about 4.30 yesterday when we went to the pub! After that neither of us and indeed some of the guests here today can remember a lot.… (Craigy and Mallard)

Clive as most of you know is a teacher at Uppingham School teaching something like "Grand Theft Auto" or at least something to do with tools !
And….…

I had been wondering when he started to show signs of this rumored ability to be able to teach children who pay around 10K a year to attend a very posh school……..I thought perhaps some of his previous school reports might provide some indication……….well looking at some of these it certainly wasn't evident! But just to ensure this wasn't me being unkind I have brought a small sample to relate to you.

Get Report sheet out

In 1977 Clive attended Empingham Primary School:

Flicking through several key points stood out:
"Clive eats his dinner very tidily, he has good hand eye co-ordination", now to my eyes this explains his ability to play most sports well, and explains why he never spills a drop of his pint!
"Clive can relate an interesting story"….perhaps something to be wary of Helen?
However, conversley…..Helen..… on the good side in the PE column it says he is quite adventurous !!! Bargain !!

In 1981 Clive somehow struggled thro to Stamford School:

Now anybody who went there can surly remember the Reverend "You bally fool boy" Harley. He evidently was Clives teacher, in what we called Divinity I think it is RE now, any way he obviously thought highly of Clive and wrote " He has listened more attentively and shown much more interest, however, his understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins. “You Bally Fool Clive”

In 1983 still at Stamford School:

Clive was subject to the delights of Biology; Cutting up worms and flowers; Clive was apparently in his element. Another legend of Stamford… Throbber Thorley stated. " His work is extremely enthusiastic all the time, however, it was a little worrying when he revealed he had been revising for imminent blood test”!

In 1985 Clive was somehow still at Stamford:

Now a broader syllabus was available, so he was also studying Geography taught by Mr Hurrel, more commonly known as PRED, after PRED's model of absorption. (for the more educated amongst you) Clive apparently struggled in this subject and possibly demonstrates why his current employers made him live within 10 yards of his work place for the first 15 months of his employment. PRED said..
" His work is very erratic at the moment and he appears to get very confused, indeed he is the only one in the whole class who thinks Ellesmere port is a fine table wine!"

It was in his last couple of years at Stamford Schools,(while still trying to buy Ellesmere Port from Threshers) that I was present when Clive met the true love of his life….Stella beautiful Stella ……………
Oh the crazy things he did because of Stella he was like a man truly possessed…….Ah yes who could forget those crazy nights with Clive and Stella Artois.

In some ways it brought us closer together, I almost felt like a second mother to him……..…
Watching him trying to:
Talk, gurgling, crawling on all fours, crying wetting himself……..Ahhhhh….proud moments indeed and something which I am sure that Helen may well have experienced.
Then in the early 90’s Clive left these sunny shores and set out on a long journey to the cold,wet, dark north….He started at University in Sheffield

Well he did some work, but much more importantly he started to grow his hair, wear his shirt hanging out and even managed to grow some "bum fluff" on his chin………well……………….it work…..… his new student look and his charming manner (Clive posses a burp reminiscent to a fog horn) and eventually he managed to snare what I bet he never thought of then his future wife ! Helen.
Now Clive and Helen became inseparable and we began to see more and more of her in “Gods Country” i.e. Rutland, she even came and watched cricket a couple of times but I would suggest what enticed her was not the love of her life playing his favourite sport but the fact that the beer prices are similar to those in the Uni bar!

The older you get the faster time seem to shoot by and before you knew it Clive had finished at Sheffield and had got himself a job in St Ives and Helen had something to do with photography in darkened rooms somewhere in Leicester (but I didn't ask any further questions about that)!

Now I work very near St Ives and we both wanted to try and live around Stamford so common sense prevailed or our parents got together because they wanted us out, and we ended up rented a house in Wharf Road Stamford, Now this was an excellent idea, lifts to work could be shared, rent on the house could be shared……….and most importantly Stella could come out to play every night without questions being asked.

Now, I guess I have always been a forward thinker:
I knew the cold war would end,
That Nelson Mandella would be freed
One day the Berlin wall would fall
and that England would always be sh………..ocking cricket team

But I never thought Clive would marry. I can even recall a conversation we had when sharing a lift to work one day where Clive categorically stated he would NEVER marry………unless he could find someone with small feet…."Why small feet I asked" so she can get nice and close to the kitchen sink was his response!

After about 12 months of living at Wharf Road Clive decided his liver needed a rest and he wanted to get on the housing ladder, so he and Helen procured a house and proceed to live in a little village just out side Corby called "Sin"………….oh no sorry Brigstock. Now Clive, Martin and myself had actually visited this village a few years earlier and taken a good look at the pubs and residential premises, however, at the end of the evening we had managed to proceed to Corby, but only as far as the police station!
This is the bit where I say a big thanks to Martin because he knew a man who knew the custody Sgt and quite rightly we were released! But the less said about that the better…but thanks Martin from Clive and me !

Now Clive left a bag of things in his haste to leave Wharf road, understandable because we saw the Gas Man walking up the street however, he has never reclaimed this but luckily I brought it here today:

Black bin bag containing:
Old Stella Tin
Electric and Gas bills arrears
Brown Paper Bag
Handcuffs
Red Datsun Story
Black Socks Story

Within the last few years Clive had got himself an excellent job at Uppingham School and Helen started working in Peterborough so the natural progression was to move from Sin….sorry Brigstock…..to a mid way point between the two, and much to the majority of local landlords delight ……..Stamford was their choice.
Since then myself and Clive have bumped into Stella on more than one occasion….in fact one night not so long ago on the way home from the pub she even caused Martin to go climbing and then spend the next day in casualty while they glued his head back together………..but I digress

Anyway, 15 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 4 hours 27 minutes and three seconds ago Clive at last plucked up the courage to ask Jim for Helens hand in marriage.
Jim after picking himself of the floor (ten years is a long time to wait isn't it Jim) and after Clive introduced him to Stella several times he agreed…and yes it was now official Helen and Clive were leaving that village called "sin" and announced their engagement.

15 months may seem a long time…… unless you are trying to write a BestMan speech ! In which case I can assure you it seems a very short period of time indeed!
However, people seem more than willing to offer me some advice, indeed some of the guests here today have shared some of their pearls of wisdom about marriage with me…..and me being me I thought it would be extremely selfish not to share these thoughts with Clive………… now let me try and remember some of these little "gems"……..and who told me ?

Pre Pick seven people to read out:
I read the last one

Remember marriage is not one word it is a sentence..… you get less for murder!

There are more than 2 rings to a marriage… what about the suffeRing, the enduRing
and the tortuRing!

They say "love is blind" but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Marriage… I muttered a few words in church and I was married. A year later I muttered a few words in my sleep and was divorced.

Always tell her those 3 little words..… "You're right dear".

Marriage is expensive… I'm still paying for it 22 years later.

Don't upset the mother-in-law it always upsets the wife as well.

I've read the marriage licence over and over again and there is no "get out" clause at all………….… I think it should be like the TV licence … renewable every 12 months with a pro-rata refund if things don't work out! That seems much more sensible
news of this wonderful wedding has evidently spread far and wide and I have some cards to read out:

Proper
Proper
Proper
This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need any advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips !

Clive, in all seriousness you have been a true friend for a long time now, I am so pleased you and Helen decided to get married.
I ,and I am sure everybody else agrees that you make a wonderful couple.

You will be delighted to hear I have conjured up a little "poem" for you both:

As best, and usually better man, here I stand
Yet again giving Clive a helping hand
Finding rings, tidying up.
Getting him home after that unwise sup.
A quick run – he doesn't like fast bowlers;
Apologising for his howlers.

But now he's done it – for better or worse.
And, Helen, he does need a nurse!
I'm sure a radiographer can see right through him,
And, maybe, he's not all that dim.
He needs whatever help he can get –
You'll sort him. But I'm not laying a bet.

This match has no first or second half;
No fixed overs, no bully off;
No back to the clubhouse, no half time band.
It's forever Clive – one long last stand !

Joy to you both now you are together.
As an opening pair, all storms you will weather.
Helen sounds like Heaven : Clive rhymes with skive –
What can I contrive?
That Bliss marries Leisure – let both of them thrive.

Now, ladies and gentlemen comes the time when I ask you if you could join me in a toast to some very special people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point during today will exchange a few kind words with them.
Ladies and gentlemen would you please be upstanding and raise your glasses for a toast to……the bar staff….may your fridge and pumps always be full of beer……………

No seriously….for those of you that aren't standing already please stand and every body raise their glasses…..…

Ladies and gentlemen:
I give you Helen and Clive….the bride and groom!

Thank you all for listening and Goodnight