Speech by Aaron
Luckily enough I found your site. I didn't have the first clue about making a speech, well what say in it, and when I came across this site I was rescued. I read through about 7 or 8 speeches and some jokes and then edited the to fit the circumstances and the people. Saved, I was, as I had to do two speeches, one away where the couple got married and one back home at the reception on their return. My greatest thanks to your site.
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Aaron
Speech Date: Jun 2001
OK then, could I have everybodies attention please.
OK, the bar is closing in five minutes. That got their attention.
Firstly, for those of you who do not know me, I am Aaron, the brother of C the groom,and now brother in-law of M the bride.
Anyway, as most of you know, the wedding was in the fabulous Island of Antigua, and the wedding day itself went terrific, the sun was beating down on us, the soft sandy beaches and the palm trees added to the paradise of the occasion. Anyone who has seen the pictures in the wedding
album would agree. It couldn't have been a better day.
I am certain that everyone here would agree with me, that both C and M still look extrememly beautiful, even without the exotic island as the backdrop.
Sandra & Bernie, who did bridesmaids for the occasion, also look fabulous, and might I add they did a great job on the day, getting M ready, even if they did have massive hangovers. And Mick, who had the honour of giving M away, did an excelent job in transporting M all the way to the wedding area on time, even if that was only two hundred yards.
C asked me to do Best Man for their wedding before Christmas last year, but I just couldn't remember all the reasons why he chose me, so he had to write them down for me.
He wanted someone who was Loyal; Trustworthy; and Reliable;
But most importantly he wanted someone ar…tic…u…la…te!
He also gave me a book on weddings and in it I found a list of Best Man duties and some very important tasks, these are just a few of them:
1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for the payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing C will be all of them.
2) Help the groom dress. Thanks but No Thanks. If he hasn't learned after 29 years you can forget that one.
3) Ensure that the Groom uses the toilet, he used to just piss on my head when we slept in bunk beds, so I know when he goes.
4) Check that he ties his shoes, and has his face and hair in order.
God didn't put them in order the first time round, so what chance do I have?
5) Make sure he has nothing between his teeth (or is that his ears) and has his trouser fly done up. I believe he has caught them in it a few times.
6) See that all ex girlfriends are kept at bay. Well some of them were so big we had to dock them in Dun Laogaire Harbour. All the rest of them are celebrating down in the Red Cow at the moment, they reserved a table for 4.
7) Make sure that all of the presents reach the bride and groom's home. So, if you would like so place all of the gifts that you have brought with you, (especially the ones that contain money), in the back of the Red Peugeot 206 registration 99 KE 1234, I will personally ensure
that they receive them . . . (take keys out and ask someone to bring it round front)
8) The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems." As you can see, C is obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.
Most Best Men would consider this part to be of utmost importance, and so after some greuling investigation, I have found some of Cs most embarasing moments in life. I must admit it has taken some time, but I eventually got the list completed.
If I could just get it out of my pocket now.
(take out folded list of cards which when held by the top, unfolds to the ground) (actual list is numerous wedding jokes with his name in place of the characters)
If you think I'm going to read all of these out, you have another thing coming. (throw the list behind you)
I'm not going to keep you all waiting much longer so, I will get down to the toasts and then
read some cards out after that.
It was an honour, to be asked to be best man for C and Ms wedding. I just hope neither of them has the need for my services again in the future, because I'm not doing it, its too nerve racking.
Let me just say, that I have a lot of admiration for M. She met C during his ‘attitude’ years, and she has dealt with him admirably. She's a beautiful lady, and an even more gorgeous bride. I hope that C realises, just how lucky he is, in having a beautiful wife with such a great personality and sense of humour. I just wonder how he got her to marry him in the first place!
I'd like to wish you a very happy marriage, and I hope you had a great honeymoon in Antigua, which I'm told is that period between ‘I do’ and ‘You'd better’.
Just remember that there are three types of sex in a marriage;
a) all over the house sex, b) bedroom sex, c) and hallway sex.
a) All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason.
b) Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (If you're lucky!).
c) Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream ‘screw you!’.
On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, especially those who have travelled such long distances.
And, the staff of the Roadstone Club for their great service and kindness in keeping the bar open until about 3 or 4 and or the lovely spread of food they laid out.
On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I started planning this speech 12 months ago, and you must feel like I've been delivering it for the same time, but now it gives me great pleasure (and relief) to invite you all to stand
and raise your glass (no your own glass) in a toast, to the happy couple, because in all seriousness, I think they were made for each other. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.
To C and M…
Now, before I move on to the cards and messages, I'd like everyone to stay upstanding for a toast to all those people who couldn't be here today to celebrate C and M's wedding; To Absent Family and Friends…
"C, You're a Dynamo, I'll miss the good times" From Cameron Diaz
"I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat. The Queen Mum"
Oh Sorry that one is addressed to me.
Also, I have some messages I received.
The first is from the lads at his old basketball club: We've found C to be useless in every position, even as the ball. We hope M has better luck. Congratulations.
The second is from Mary in California: Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a naked picture of the Groom without his jumper on this time. Love Mary.
