Speech by Ace Monroe

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ace Monroe
Speech Date: Jun2007
To Mike and Serena:

Good afternoon and thanks for coming to this special occasion and a special thanks goes to Mike and Serena for attending it wouldn't be the same without you.

For those of you who do not know me my name is Greg or otherwise known as the fat drunk double fisting bald guy. The Wedding was beautiful and wow was it hot, it was like 2 rabbits doing it in a wool sock.

Now if you don't know me let me tell you that I am not much of a talker and I get a little nervous speaking in front of a group of fine individuals like yourself. But let me reassure you this is not the 1st time I have risen from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand. I guess the only trouble being the best man at a wedding is you never get the chance to prove it.

Now since I am not much of speaker and not much of one who goes by the rules I truly believe in the famous quote by Dr Seuss: “be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. And since you two matter to me hopefully you will not mind.

The way I see it a good speech should be like a miniskirt short enough to be interesting but long enough to cover the essentials.

Mike you might want to buckle Serena's seat belt this is gonna be a long roller coaster ride. There is gonna be a lot of ups and downs an occasional smooth part and at the end I hope we can still be all friends.

Wow what can I say but thank you from all of us to the both of you for such an amazing trip, all the hard work and planning to engage in this amazing saga we have all experienced with you these past years. You know a lot of time and effort and style have gone into making this day so fantastic but I think this can only be excelled by how beautiful Serena and her bridesmaids look today.

I want to extend my thanks to both sets of parents for their love and support for what has been such a stressful time leading up to this wedding. I want to thank all the out of town guest who have traveled so far to make this wedding. Actually if you are not from around here raise your hands… wow truly amazing how far people will go for a party. You two are extremely lucky not only have great families but a fantastic group of friends, lets face it that is what it all boils down to anyway.

Before we get to the ritual character assassination of the groom that forms the basis of a traditional best mans speech I would like to give a little history of how we meet.

It was 1996 or 1997 not exactly sure things were quite hazy back then probably because it was a beautiful hot august summer day or just maybe the booze either way the beginning of something great. You see we were both on intramural football teams the year before and since most of our other teammates were busy studying that year we had to combine our two forces together. You see we started just partying after victories then just after games then why not pregame we aint making the playoffs anyway. He was a friend of many, I am not sure if it was because he was the leading supplier of fake ideas in a tri-state area or it was his charm either way this guy knows how to bring it. He is a person who opens doors everywhere he goes first it was Red and Irene's, then Margaretville then Jacks then the Attic for every quarter draft special in the Pittsburgh area, man that's a good Thursday night, that's what that is…

When asked about who is Mike or so what is this guy like I always promote him the same way I remember our first drinking binge together:
-when Mikes a drinking he aint doing much thinking there isn't anything anyone can say or do just hope and pray there comes a day that Mikes a drinking with you… you might all want to write that down..

In all actuality it is hard to refer to this Big Tuna by the name of Mike since I knew him as Shamokin and he only knew me as Troll for the first three years we met. No need for last names heck first names at that matter… hey all I knew was I am bringing the booze and he is bringing the fun and hopefully together we will come home with some.

Know lets talk about Serena

Hey there she is…

After months of hearing somebody get described over the phone in such a perfect way we finally met. And let me tell you in case you somehow don't already know she meets up to the hype. She is beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and one of the most thoughtful persons I have ever met. Which, this week marks a new side I have never witnessed before – aggressive and assertive and it was awwweeesome. Everyone knows how stressful it is for the wife to be going out of her way to make everything perfect and so perfect it is. This has been a truly great wedding well at least up until now. But this proves one thing I have always known about Mike, he is definitely a man of vision, often blurred and sometimes double but none the less a man of vision lucky enough to have found such a beautiful wife. In case you don't know Mike and Serena Met at work and still work for the same company. Now Mike just in case you are not aware from now until eternity, no matter how many times you switch your job you will always have the same boss.

Know one of the greatest mysteries of the world why women go to the bathroom in pairs or why men have nipples is why Mike when I asked Serena. I mean come on she's got it all and he's got???

So when I asked Serena why Mike, she said and I quote:

He's a prince, he's a topper, he's the king of the shocker
He's a friend of many but never a show stopper.

In all actuality folks every time I see them it is so amazing to see how happy they are to see another. Every time we bring him back from Church or one of his many guy trips she always has a smile of an angel and is always comforting to his hangovers. They are one of the only couples I have ever seen that when they are apart or together they are the same people. It is amazing how well you two compliment one another.

Now this is the Advice Party, yes I said Party of my speech so Mike you may want to sharpen your crayon and take some notes you might just learn something every married man here already knows:

You see Mike you have taken a big step here today because as the saying goes the most dangerous food a women ever ate was an apple and the most dangerous food a man will ever eat is wedding cake

• I guess 1st thing is to set the ground rules establish who is boss then do everything Serena says
• Always remember these words You are right dear
• They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage it is out of love and after marriage it is self defense
• The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once
• You see marriage will teach you a lot of things about loyalty, self restraint, self control and it will help you develop a sense of fairplay and many other qualities that you will not need as a single man.
• I am sure all married couples will agree that marriage is one of the hardest things in life to do so I hope all your UPS and DOWNS are between the sheets.
• Since you are sports fanatic I think it is safe to say marriage can be compared to football.
o Ensure you are committed every week
o Make sure you score every weekend, Friday for high school, Saturday for college, Sunday for pro and sometimes on Monday s and the occasional Thursday night games
o Make sure you change ends at halftime
o Don't put in your tackle to hard or you might injure yourself
o No tackling from behind especially on your wedding night
o And Serena assures me if you play for another team while away this will be a sure way to a groin injury and be on the transfer list

Just the other day I was spending some quality time with my great friend Van Wilder and he had some advice of his own for you two love birds. He said, as time goes on some things might start to fade so remember if all else fails remember these 3 tips:

1. scented candles
2. massage oils
3. and Barry white

Just when you thought I was all out of advice David Letterman from the Tonight Show sent me an email last night, its all about timing folks it really is. Anyways he passes on the Tonight's Top 10 List and it reads:

The top10 things you Might not want to hear on your wedding night

So hear goes:

Actually there are only 9 since I accidentally spilled my beer on it on the way here.
9. How long do you almost plan to be almost there?
8. KY jelly or no KY jelly?
7. You could at least act like you are enjoying it
6. I will tell you who I am fantasizing about if you will tell me who you are fantasizing about
5. Perhaps you are just out of practice
4. My favorite one – no really I do this part better myself
3. When is this supposed to feel good?
2. While holding a banana and say this is a little trick I learned at the zoo
1. What is the little blinking red light in the corner?

Oops earmuffs, sorry I was supposed to warn the little ones

You see in life it is difficult to imagine people like Mork without Mindy, Tom without Jerry, Romeo without Juliet, Bill with out Monica I mean Hillary and of course Mike without Serena

Anyway thanks for listening to my speech this afternoon and as I said to my wife the 1st time we made love, thanks for laughing.

And lastly advice to tonight: in the words of the great Winston Churchill:
Be Hard
Stay Firm
And Do Not Withdraw

Now I stand here today as the best man but Mike you truly are the better man gaining the love and respect of a beautiful wife and what I consider an incredible life.

So here's to love and laughter
And happily ever after
As Mike and Serena start their new life
Please stand and toast the new husband and wife