Speech by Adam Clarke

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adam Clarke
Speech Date: Mar 2002
(I knew it would be difficult to follow a speech by Matt. And I was right; I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.)
Good afternoon everyone. For those of you who don't know me my name's Adam and I've had the pleasure of knowing Matt for about 22 years.
Firstly, can I say how stunning Nicola looks today?
As for Matt, as per usual, he just looks stunned.
On behalf of Michele and myself, may I thank both the bride and groom for their gifts?
And can I reiterate the words of Matthew and David in saying that Michele you look absolutely stunning also.
It's so nice to see so many people here today; especially those of you have travelled from far a field. It's so nice to see you here on the most important and nerve wracking day… of my life.
Today is truly a momentous day, the one we've all been waiting for (Pause) As Matt's said the pop idol result will be announced as soon as we have it.
It is a real honour to be Matt's Best Man, especially when you realise how many people would have wanted to be here in my position, what I'm trying to say is that loads of people would have loved to have stood here to carry out a brutal character assassination upon Matthew Kevin Gale.
Now, I've had plenty of time to recall all of those embarrassing tales that Matt would rather not have heard today.
But the truth is Matt has rarely done anything embarrassing, amusing or even interesting at all for that matter. You really wouldn't know it to look at him, (look at him).…
Anyway, after having to think quite hard for me I've managed to conjure up a couple of hilarious stories.
As I've already said I've known Matt for many, many years – since infant's school – in fact. It was the Indian summer of 1982 as I recall when Matt roped me in to taking ballet lessons with him. He claimed that it was a tap dancing class, which at that tender age appeared to be a far more macho persuit.
Ballet was where I feel that Matt and I realised that our relationship would not be consummated as we packed it in after we found out that we'd have to wear tights for the grade 1 exam.
Now I guess you all see where Matt attained his poise, his grace, his posture and his love for the classical arts – it's all routed in his time as a budding Rudolph Nuyeyev. A straw poll of women who attended the Fan Club on Abbey Street here in Leicester in the mid nineties has confirmed, however, that there's one thing you'd associate with most male ballet dancers that unfortunately for Nic, Matt doesn't possess.
… Moving on
‘Snap Crackle and pop, I hear my breakfast go, every morn at 8 O'clock I hear my breakfast go – YO!’
This was the opening line of Matt's first foray into song writing. I humoured him by playing keyboards whilst Matt was where he looks most comfortable, behind a drum kit. In fact, with these genial lyrics, we could really feel ourselves going somewhere – to the juvenile court more than likely, but it didn't stop Matt – he carried on producing dreadful music in various bands for several years afterwards.
Who remembers Matt's band The Dodge?… For all the wrong reasons…
Myself and Matt were born a day apart form each other, February 11th and February 12th 1975, (Matt very obviously being older than myself) and therefore we were duty bound to attempt ‘the joint birthday party’. This dreadful and regrettable occasion was seen by our parents as an opportunity to save a few quid – but if other people's parents fail to label the gifts properly all sorts of mayhem is probable.
Let this be a lesson to all young parents and those expecting, don't do joint birthday parties, it may save money in the short term, but the emotional support you have to give to your child as a result is unquantifiable.
After all these years I'm prepared to admit this was meant for you. (hand over toy)
At secondary school Matt was well, the only word to describe him is cute. A little cherubic face that could have melted the hearts of many girls were it not for the fact that Matt, like I, was quarantined within an all boys school.
It's because of this single sex education that Matt developed the hard, manly side of his character that coupled with the grace, poise and posture nurtured through his ballet training, makes him so irresistible to the ladies.
Whilst Matt was at college and university he had a variety of girlfriends all of whom were perfectly nice yet nowhere near good enough in my book for Matt and that's all I'm prepared to say about that.
(Pause)
(cough) Alma
(Pause)
(cough) Ellen
Then a love was born.
Then Matt went off Pink Floyd a bit and fell in love with Nic.
Before I met Nic I'd heard a lot about her. A trainee teacher, funny, attractive, intelligent, well read, and really fancy's Matt… what are the chances of that happening?
The first time I met Nic was on Matt's 21st birthday, she seemed like such a quiet young woman and I did worry because Matt's not exactly Mr. Conversation, but it turns out she can, if needed, talk for the both of them.
So there was Matt in a long-term happy relationship, and that's the way it's stayed.…
I'm tempted to say ‘Until Now’… so I will ‘Until Now’…
No,
I did say that at the beginning of this speech that has rarely done anything embarrassing. This isn't strictly true but being so close to food I don't really want to tell you about all the bodily fluids stories I've managed to collate.… although the one about the stolen coat in MFI car park is quite a good one.
The stag do was all you'd expect, lot's of lewd comments, several near fights, lots of drinking and Matt getting thrown out of a night club for what can only be described as dancing with undue care and attention. His last words to the bouncers were "don't you appreciate ballet when you see it" And with that he plied and left.

To be serious…
It's difficult to know anyone quite as popular and as well damned nice as Matt. Ok he can be really sarcastic, and insulting in his own dry way, but he is and those of you who know him well will agree, one of those people who everyone likes.
Makes you sick, doesn't it? That reminds me of another story actually… anyway…
All you really need to know about Matt and Nic individually and as a couple is there when you look at Louis and Ellis. Two great boys who are going to bring Matt and Nic, many laughs in the years to come, because they are two great parents.
Today we are here to celebrate the marriage of Matt and Nic, but with that comes an affirmation of what already exists, a family of brilliant people who deserve the happiness that I know they will make together. It won't be easy; of course, no one expects it to be, what with Matt being a lazy git.
Anyway, it's customary to make a series of toasts at this point, but I really want to break with tradition here and toast Louis and Ellis who've been so good today.
And most importantly to the newlyweds, on this your special day..
To the bride and groom, Mr & Mrs Gale
(Talk to Matt)