Speech by Adam Ratliff

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adam Ratliff
Speech Date: Jan2006
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I am Adam and I am the best man. Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank James for his kind comments, and on behalf of Bride I would like to file for divorce.
I had warned James about that sexist joke and told him that his wedding day was the one time in his life when he needs at least act like the straight man.

I only hope that Clare's parents forgive him, they were just saying to me before the ceremony that history seems to repeat itself, It was only 26 years ago that they were sending their beautiful daughter to bed with a dummy – and here they are again today.

Welcome to this glorious venue that is enriched in history, it was built over 450 years ago and famous visitors include Queen Elizabeth I and Princess Mary. It is apparently haunted and that is why Claire chose it, it was the only way she could guarantee James would hear moans thoughout the night.

Seriously, it is with great pride that I take this role as best man on today, when I first started donating ٣ a month to the midgets with tourettes charity several years ago, I received a photograph and regular updates about James, I didn't imagine that I would have the honour of being his best man.

I have done some research about what my roles and responsibilities for the wedding. One of the most important jobs is the to provide the all important warning that after the marriage things change, the endless winging and intensified nagging. The orders to clean up the house at every hour of the day. Therefore I have to provide an apology to Clare, I am sorry that I could not get through to you last night to warn you
During the speech, I should apparently be bringing up stories of drink, drugs and women but the day is not meant to be about me, so I will concentrate on how lame James is.

I only have known James from the age of 18, and although it feels like a lifetime I thought I better do some research . James was born in 1979, a lot of things happened in this year of historical significance however the only one I could find that had any link with James was that Y.M.C.A. was the top selling hit of the year in the UK… I will come back to this
When I met James at University the first thing that came across my mind was that how much he looked like a miniature version of Wolf from Gladiators and was wearing the attire I would normally associate with a part time decorator . The second thing that came across my mind was the essex gene pool was obviously in need of a bit more chlorine, iconically It was only later that I found out he was studying Genetics, presumably looking for a cure because lets be honest, James is a 28 year old that looks like a 16 year old and acts like 50 year old.

One thing was clear even at this early stage of their relationship that James was head of heels in love with Claire. James would speak for hours about about Claire, he would tell me everything right down to the smallest level of detail. Too be honest It bored me abit and I would only catch snippets of the conversation, however I do remember being quite shocked when I first met Claire that she was not actually Brazilian.
I like to think that I had a positive influence on James during university. After few weeks after I met him, James started to spend money on the latest fashions, bought some decks and cut off his 80’s raver ponytail. However, this positive start took a turn for the worst. One day he got back from getting his hair cut and announced that he was going around to his hairdressers – ‘Michaels’ house for drinks,
I still to this day think the sefton park urinals was a weird place to live?

Apart from his gayness another personality trait is his self-delusional nature. James would always state and honestly believe that he was an amazing dancing, the reality …I will leave that for you to judge tonight, but these are three words for you – Churchill nodding dog.
I found it is best not to argue with him about it, if he asks you if he think he's good dancer just go ‘Oh yes’. in the style of the Churchill dog

James would always state that if he was not with Claire, the girls would be flocking. He would say “Did you see the way that girl started talking to me” It was left up to me to point out that the reason why the girl was speaking to him was she is the barmaid and that was her job.
The final point I would like to focus on is what makes James, James, his miserableness. I have never know someone that hates the world so much. However this is what makes James so amusing, he gets things so wrong and the best thing is he is oblivious to that fact

Some of my favorite lines are
On Remembrance Day – What's all this song and dance, what have they ever done for us.

On eating disorders – Bulimics make me sick
If anyone has the chance to go driving with James – do it, its scary but hilarious – He has a condition I would describe as permanent road rage, tell all the cars what they should be doing despite being the worst driver on the planet himself.

I can only hope their marriage is less rocky then James driving.
Now James is not much of a drinker, if fact for years the only shot he used to do was archers I believe that was one of Micheals’ favourite tipples, so it will not surprise you that when I asked him where he wanted to go in the world he said Iceland – The most expensive place for drink in the world.

Thanks James

Never the less, myself and 5 other of his best mates chose to take out a second mortgage and live it up in Iceland,
We tried our best to get him drunk, but in the end we were content to amuse ourselves by buying Jim two drinks and seeing whether the second one went down quicker by evaporation faster then Jim was drinking.

It is not in my nature to be sincere, but I am sure you all will agree that Claire looks positively radiant and lights up the room. I would like to thank her for making Jim truely happy. We recognize the fact that she has put a lot of effort into making the day a success, especially as Jim is even incapable of ordering a pizza for himself.

I would like to do a few other thank you's. Thank you to Toni and Guy for doing the hair, Thank you to the bridal wear company for the bridesmaids dresses and thank you B and Q for providing the Bridesmaid's foundation. Also a big thank you to GAP KIDS for providing James suit for the day.
Seeing these two together and how devoted to each other, despite all of Jim's faults makes me believe in true love. The fact that Clare had corrective eye surgery late last year and it's still going ahead with this, also proves the saying is true ‘love is blind’.

Seriously, James is a great mate, and he was found a real catch in Claire. They are a perfect couple and I believe an inspiration to us all.
Now comes to my final duty of the day – which is not a duty it's a pleasure. Please be upstanding and raise your glasses to the bride and groom