Speech by Adam Slater

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adam Slater
Speech Date: Apr 2002
Big thanks for the bridesmaids, and Page boy, looking good etc.

Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my day less nerve wracking and allowing me to be at Twickenham for the Rugby! Or better still in Hong Kong for the 7’s with Adam's brother Mat .In fact Kerry must have one hell of a hold over Adam arranging the Wedding on Match Day!!!!!! I think we'll all agree they are worth it.

Before I start I'd like to ask Adam and Kerry to participate in the speech.
Kerry if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…right Adam, if you can put your hand directly on top of Kerry's, same again…Enjoying that Adam? Make the most of it because it's the last time you'll have the upper hand

Big thanks to Moz for promising to write my speech for me whilst I was on my finding facts about Adam mission to KL with Mat, problem was when I got back I spoke to Moz and his first words were “you thought about Adam's speech yet?”So don't be too hard on us. One thing that Moz did manage to do was to print this for me and on a day like today it seemed a good opportunity to share this warning with you.

Hazard poster.

Adam in Abersoch
Not much luck in Wales
That's where I met Kerry,, Camping on the hill tops overlooking Abersoch with two little tents pitched right next to each other—I wouldn't have put them so close but Adam had arrived early and done the deed. Out to the pub and a few hours and a lot of drink later, back to the tents. As most of you know when Kerry has had a drink the volume goes up and the concern for other peoples feelings goes down. I was dozing off when I heard the following giggles and comments coming from next door:-

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
25. This explains your car.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
33. I didn't know they came that small.
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
53. Are you cold?
61. Does it come with an air pump?
I guess this makes me the early bird

Talking of Kerry

I was speaking to Mr. Edwards just this morning and he was saying how he cant believe how fast Kerry has grown up… just the other day he remembers her as a beautiful little angel, running around with a dummy… and if we take a look today, not all that much has changed.

Before I pass you over for the funny part of the speech I would like to share two poems which I wrote which seem to sum up the subtle yet consistent differences between men and women but more specifically between Adam and Kerry.

MOODS

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.
Hungry.

Adam

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty +1
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2

You check out a suspicious noise at night +1
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing +2
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party +2
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner +1
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +2
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colours of SCFC -10

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" -800

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression +1
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20

Please everyone join us in toasting the health and happiness of the Bride and Groom –