Speech by Adrian Adamson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adrian Adamson
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Good Afternoon.

Before I start, I believe someone is running a sweep on the length of the speech…can you please put me down for 82 minutes.

When Neil first asked me to be his best man, I told him straight “No Way”.
He offered me ten pounds.
I told him I couldn't be bought.
He offered me twenty pounds.
I said, “ Do you really think I'm cheap?”
He offered me thirty pounds.
So, good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Adrian and I am the Best Man.

On behalf of Victoria, the bridesmaid, I'd just like to thank Neil for his kind words and say, “ you're not so bad yourself”.

Sarah's dad and Neil have something in common today. It's the first time Sarah's dad has been able to speak for more than five minutes without interruption from the women in his family. And the last time in 25 years that Neil gets to do the same.

Actually, as I'm married, it's nice to be able to hear the sound of my own voice.

FORNICATION…sorry, for an occasion such as this, the best man has several duties…
1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for forgotten payments (no problem).
2. Help the groom dress (thanks, but no, if he hasn't learnt by now…)
3. Ensure the groom uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse…)
4. See that any ex-girlfriends are kept at bay (that's easy, she's still on medication)
5. Dance with bride after the groom and her father…I don't mind dancing with Sarah, but these two.
To be fair, I don't really know about Sarah's dad, but I do know that Neil here has all the style and grace of a distressed giraffe. I'd give him a wide berth tonight lives may be lost.

The key to being a best man is to be resourceful, energetic and diplomatic, and not to offend or create problems. Neil has never been a great judge of character. You see Neil was my best man and I remember his speech. Every word. Which leads me nicely to the point where I can exact my revenge.

I've known Neil for about 25 years and I know quite a lot about him, but I've had a problem. I can't think of one exciting or embarrassing story about him, unless you include the one about the time he met the one legged stripper with the glass eye. Why? Because, he's boring. We used to call him Horlicks because he sent people to sleep.

So I thought I'd tell you about Neil's life. When he was born he was very nearly called Thursday. Sheila took one look at him and said “right, let's call it a day”.

We both went to the same school. It was an all boys school, but it had no effect on us. Did it darling?

Neil was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects. No sorry…I've read that wrong. Neil was an idle pupil who, was expelled from most subjects.

Actually Neil isn't very clever. He thinks the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

He thinks that Alfred Hitchcock is a jockstrap.

He even thinks that ping-pong balls are a medical complaint.

Neil was also crap at sport. He was useless in virtually every position…so I hope that Sarah has more luck there.

It was around this time that Neil discovered the opposite sex. He was a founder member of the Tiffany and Michaela Strachan fan clubs.

Although any woman would do, they all had to have one thing…a pulse. Only joking…he wasn't even that picky.

He actually liked a certain part of the female anatomy. No, not those…he had a thing for knees. I don't know, but I think Sarah must have a fine pair… of knees.

While the rest of us left to seek fame and fortune in foreign parts…I went to Hull…Neil stayed in Sunderland and started work at the hospital. I understand that at work his nickname is God. He's rarely seen; holier than thou and when he does something it's a bloody miracle.

Actually, Neil doesn't do activities. If it wasn't for Emerdale, he wouldn't get any fresh air.

When we were younger, we didn't always get on. He would call me smelly, I would call him thicky and then we would both run home crying. Then he would Email me from work and we would make up.

Neil's had a few health problems recently. We all know about his stomach. It isn't his stomach it's just an extremely low chest. But seriously, he's just spent six days in hospital…in the premature ejaculation unit…apparently it was touch and go at one stage.

Of course, Neil has now met, fallen in love with and finally married Sarah. Their love is so pure and simple. Sarah is so pure and Neil is so simple.

Neil is very romantic. He leaves little notes for Sarah. He left one on the last sheet of toilet paper. She can't have been impressed considering what she did with it after she read it.

Neil and Sarah live together and share a passion for DIY. In fact I'm sure that married life for them will no doubt start with a lot of banging and screwing.

I think you'd all agree, it was a great service. Interesting vows though…Neil said, “I do”, Sarah said “You'd better”.

Much better than the wedding I was at last month where two aerials got married. The service was terrible, but the reception was brilliant.

Neil and Sarah are going to Italy for their honeymoon. Remember Neil; Italian lira is the currency and not a peeping tom. I did manage to talk them out of going to Hedonism.

READ CARDS

Just before I finish, I'd like to offer some advice…

A man is like a tiled floor, lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.

Men are like a fine wine…they start out as grapes, but it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.

Women are also like a fine wine…they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, but they turn full bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

Right, that's it, I'm going to sit down know and wonder how I'm going to explain the brown stains to the suit hire people. If you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it then I can only apologise.

It only remains for me to say, Neil and Sarah, congratulations on getting married and reaching this great millstone, sorry milestone. I wish you both the very best.

Everyone, I give you Neil and Sarah. (Toast).