Speech by Adrian Fontaine-Hill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adrian Fontaine-Hill
Speech Date: May 2001
INTRO

When Txxx came to me and asked me to be his Best Man, organise a stag night, get him to the church on time and say a few nice things about him at the reception, I told him it would be an honour but thought he might be better off with someone else……

Then he offered me twenty quid.…
I said “I'm not a man who can be bought”
Then he offered me forty quid.…

So anyway, good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Adrian, and it's my honour to be Txxx's Best Man for the day……

Now obviously we all know Txxx, and in view of his vocal tendencies, I'd just like to say to the Main Man now before I go any further – Txxx, this 10 minutes is MINE….! Although if I look like I'm struggling, please feel free to finish my sentences…

Before I begin in earnest, I'd like to thank Txxx on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words. I have to agree – they look spectacular, and they have done an excExxxxt job today, helping the Bride to get ready and to the church on time – I think you'll all agree, Exxxx looks stunning.…

I'd also like to thank everyone here for coming to celebrate Txxx and Exxxx's special day, especially family and friends who have travelled a long way to be here.

I have some messages here that I'd like to read out from some of those who couldn't make it today:

Slip in this:
Here's one from everyone at West Hampstead Hockey Club.…
“We have found Txxx to be useless in every position – Exxxx, we hope you have more luck?? Congratulations…”

MAIN PART

I've known Txxx for about 12 years, since he started at St Lawrence College when he was 16, so I have had to contact members of his family (or one in particular – thanks Tracey!) to provide an insight into his younger years.

And I have to say, all the stories that I heard tally up completely with what Txxx is like now!!

YOUNG

Txxx was born on 8th February 1974, three minutes before his twin sister Tracey (I bet he never let that one lie Tracey ??)… In doing my Research (and yes, I did prepare for this!!), I found a couple of interesting events occurred in that year.

Firstly, the NHS decided to start providing free family planning – I bet that was a relief to a couple of people…

And secondly, obviously having heard of the birth of the young Chewbacca over there, Gillette rapidly began selling their newly invented disposable razors…and I bet they've had their money's worth over the years!!!

After talking to Tracey, I discovered that Txxx rapidly developed into a smaller version of the person you see sitting next to his new bride today……

Txxx's passion for chin-wagging started early (that caused quite a stir – have you SEEN it??) –

Whenever he would return home after being away for a week on cub camp, the family would have to sit and listen to him giving a rundown of the week's activities.

He would sit there and say "On Monday morning I helped make a bonfire, then I learnt how to do tie knots, then I made a tree house, then for lunch I would eat this, this, and this, then afterwards we would play this game" it would carry on like this for hours and by the time he had finished talking everyone would be exhausted from listening to his week's activities.

If any of them wanted to go to the toilet while he was talking, he would refuse to continue with his story until they were sitting back down, and it would be the same if someone went to get a drink from the kitchen.

Those of you who have spent any length of time with him will know that the only thing that's different these days is that he will simply follow you to the kitchen and continue talking……

It was the same after he returned from his 6 month stay in the States, the family (and also all his friends I might add) endured hours and hours of stories and photo albums about what he got up to while he was there.

Come to think of it, did you tell them EVERYTHING? I do seem to remember a story you told me in detail – something about a night spent in a classy lap-dancing joint (is there such a thing?) with a friend who was visiting at the time – an expensive night unwittingly paid for by your then girlfriend's cash-point card???

From a young age, Txxx was always very financially aware – one Christmas Txxx had put a rare Star Wars figure on his present list.

Tracey searched high and low for weeks, eventually found it and bought it for him. He was ecstatic. Then after about a month, Tracey asked him where it was as she hadn't seen it for ages.

He stood there with that guilty look on his face and said that he'd sold it to one of his friends for double the value and had been able to get another TWO figures instead?? Entrepreneurial is the word I think..…

Then of course there was the time that Txxx decided to clear out his unwanted stuff, you know, records, toys, clothes etc etc.…

He would go to Tracey with an armful of bits and pieces and say “Trace, I'm getting rid of this stuff, do you fancy any of it before I throw it all away??” She'd say “Yes please….” and pick through it all.

He'd then say “Right then, I'll have £1 for that toy, £2 for that record and so on” !!!!

How could anyone have guessed that he would end up working in finance..

Txxx's academic career was not average by any means, he got a full scholarship to St Lawrence College, he got three A levels, and was made House Captain and a School Prefect.

It was while he held these positions of responsibility that he went out one evening to a bar/restaurant called Alexandria's near school with several friends (including the Head of School).… They drank and ate to their hearts’ content and when it came to the end of the evening, being slightly sozzled, the lads decided to run off without paying the bill.

Unfortunately for Txxx the owner caught him and decided to hold him hostage for the money that he was due for the meal. He was held there for a tense half an hour before several sheepish lads turned up to pay for the meal…!!

Anyway, it's good practise for marriage Txxx – you are never allowed to leave the building until you've paid in full !!!!! (whatever that may be….)

Anyway, the stag weekend was a success, lots of drink, quad-bikes and amphibious vehicles which always goes down well with a bunch of lads…!!

And lots of mud, as several of us found to our distaste – driving back to the hotel after that was fun, my car's upholstery has still not recovered, and people still rush out of rooms when I come in…!

We hit the happening town of Hereford with style – all of us that is except Txxx here, who was made to dress up in some fetching gear bought from a charity shop that afternoon – pink shirt with a yellow tank top over the top, and a see through skirt that he wore over his trousers……

Needless to say, he had less success with the women in the club than usual – if that's possible!!!!!

FINALE

Okay, how am I doing for time – who paid me to keep going until they won the sweepstake??? Oh right, I'll start wrapping up…!

So guys, I just want to finish off by reading out a short newspaper article I saw recently, I think it's message will become obvious…First a little background to the story – a couple had just celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. Their strong marriage had long been the talk of the town so the local newspaper decided to do an interview with the husband to find out his secret. He said:

“It dates back to our honeymoon. We went to the Grand Canyon, and took a trip down to the bottom by pack-mule…
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. She looked it square in the eyes and softly said “That's once”.
We continued down and shortly my wife's mule stumbled again. She again looked it in the eyes and quietly said “That's twice”.
On we went, and again, her mule stumbled.
My wife calmly got off the mule, pulled a revolver from her bag, and shot the mule dead.
When I started to protest against her treatment of the mule, she looked at me and quietly said “That's once”.

Joking aside though, having recently got married myself, I can vouch for the feeling that you get when you meet the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, it's a feeling that you want to make the most of, and we are here to celebrate that with you both…long may it continue…
So, ladies and gentlemen, it really has been an honour and a pleasure being best man, but today I am the best man in title only. It's Txxx and Exxx's day and I wish them all the happiness in the world for this new chapter in their lives.

Please be upstanding…….and raise your glasses.…

Join me in a toast…to the new Mr and Mrs Xxxxxx – The Bride and Groom…..…