Speech by Adrian Henning

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adrian Henning
Speech Date: May 2002
Rev Rankin, Ladies and Gentlemen……….and I use the term Gentlemen loosely as I know some of you are Man United Fans!

As Henry the 8th said to each of his wives……….I won't keep you long!

As John has already mentioned in his speech, making speeches is not one of my strong points. One bit of advice that I was given though is that the speech should last no longer than it takes the Groom to make love……….so thank you very much, and enjoy the rest of your evening! (SIT DOWN)

You better laugh now……….they don't get any better than that!

Anyway, back to the business at hand. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Adrian and I am John's Best Man today……….for those of you that do know me……….well, I'm sorry!

Incidentally, I'm not actually married myself……….I just look like this because I've been very ill recently!

At this point I would just like to thank John on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words. I think we all agree that they looked fabulous today. Also, I think we would all agree that today Marj looked absolutely stunning……….and as for John, well he just looked absolutely stunned!

It was a great honour for me when John asked me to be his Best Man……….and he has assured me that if I do a good job today, then I can be Best Man at his next Wedding too!……….only joking Marj!

As I have already mentioned, I not on for making speeches, so another main pointer I was given to try and calm the nerves is to imagine the audience naked! So please bare with me while I give this a go…….…

(Look around the audience while screwing up your face)

(SMILING AT A FEMALE) i'll see you later on Madam (WINK)

(LOOK SHOCKED) David! You really do have small feet don't you!

(AGAIN LOOKING SHOCKED, BUT AT GROOM) John! I can't believe you are still wearing those pink fluffy knickers from the stag night! What have you let yourself in for Marj!

Anyway, so John and Marj have finally decided to get married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate, as John couldn't have done any better……….and Marj couldn't have done any worse!

Marriage is a great and wonderful thing though. I've often thought about getting married myself but I don't have much luck with the women (AWHHH). So I decided to place an advert in the local classifieds, "WIFE WANTED". I was astounded by the response. The next day I got hundreds of replies, all saying the same thing……….you can have mine!

I suppose it is true what they say, all men are born free and equal……….but then they get married!

Now, I have known John all my life. We have grown up together and been through a lot together too, but I will now attempt to embarrass him as much as possible, as is the duty of the Best Man.

I asked his Mum if she had any cute photos of John to show everyone here today. There was this one of John lying naked on a sheepskin rug, in front of the fire, eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling. I was going to bring it to show you all, but I thought it may have been too embarrassing, as he was 23 years old at the time!

I was also going to mention some of John's ex-girlfriends, as is traditional in a Best Man's speech. Fortunately though for John, due to the Foot and Mouth outbreak last year……….most of them have been culled and incinerated!

He did have better luck on the stag night with a gorgeous blonde though. Beautiful she was. However, she did turn out to be a bit of a let down when she got burst with a cigarette end!

Unfortunately, I cannot say anything more about the stag night as John's solicitor has advised caution until the court case next month. However, I have been informed by the RSPCA, that the donkey will make a full recovery!

Oh there is just one other thing to mention about the stag night, and that was the big beautiful bright moon that we all saw that night……….isn't that right Paul!……….maybe you had to be there!

Now John has always considered himself to be a good looking chap. Well, I don't know. But Marj did once tell me that the first time she went out with John, she thought he looked handsome from afar……….or was that far from handsome……….I can't remember!

Now John's always been a keen sportsman over the years. He's tried his hand at them all, from bowls to table tennis to karate. He even plays a bit of football with his work mates so I decided to asked them about John's abilities. They told me that John was absolutely useless in every single position……….I just hope you have better luck Marj!

Pipe bands is another keen interest of John's. In fact John plays in the greatest pipe band in the land, Drumlough Highland Pipe Band, Rathfriland! (LOUD CHEER FROM BAND MEMBERS PRESENT IN AUDIENCE)……….and I'm not biased, even though I am in it myself! With this keen interest I thought John might have wanted to wear kilts for the Wedding. When I asked John why we weren't wearing kilts today he said that he was keen to wear a suit, because from tomorrow, Marj will be the one wearing the trousers!

At this point I would like John and Marj to help me out for a minute. Marj, would you place you right hand flat on the table in front of you. (BRIDE PLACES RIGHT HAND ON TABLE IN FRONT OF HER) That's great. Now John, would you place your left hand on top of Marj's right hand for me please.(GROOM PLACES HIS LEFT HAND ON TOP OF BRIDE'S RIGHT HAND) Well how does that feel John? Does it feel good? Well, I hope you are enjoying it, as it's the last time you will have the upper hand!

You will all be glad to hear that I have nearly finished, but before I do, I thought I would leave the newly weds with some gems of advice about marriage:

John and Marj, marriage is full of excitement and frustration:

In the 1st year of marriage the man speaks, and the woman listens
In the 2nd year of marriage the woman speaks and the man listens
But in the 3rd year of marriage, they both speak and the neighbours listen!
Now Marj. Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with!

On the other hand John. Women are also like a fine wine. They will start off fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary……….eventually giving you a sore head!

Well now I have come to the end of my speech and all that is left for me to say is that I wish John and Marj all the best for their future life together. You really do make the perfect couple.

So here's to the Bride and the Groom,

We'll ask their success in our prayers,

And through life's dark shadows and sunshine,

That good luck may always be theirs.

Would you all please join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom……….to John and Marj.