Speech by Adrian Hirst

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adrian Hirst
Speech Date: nov 2003
The Speech

(Optional) Well, as Groucho Marx once said "After an
introduction/reception like that, I can barely wait to hear myself speak!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to start by thanking <Grooms Name> on
behalf of <Chief Bridesmaids name>, the chief bridesmaid, for his kind
words <Chief Bridesmaids name> has performed her duties amazingly. And
I'm sure everyone agrees that she and <Brides Name> look fantastic. It
can't have been easy getting <Brides Name> to the church … it
certainly wasn't easy dragging <Grooms Name>. It took me over an hour to
persuade him that the church maintained a very strict no jeans and
t-shirt policy. Finally, I'd also like to thank <Grooms Name> for
agreeing to be my groom for today and thank <Brides Name> for allowing
him to agree.

For those of you who don't know me, and especially for those who I meet
at the bar later on, my name is Adrian; and I am the best man. Or at
least the best <Grooms Name> could find. For those who'd like to know me
a little bit better I'm in room 102. The door will be open after midnight.

Firstly, I should say that I've been rather worried about my throat all
week. <Brides Name> said she'd cut it if I didn't say lots of nice
things about her.
Actually, I've promised <Brides Name> to remove any stories that might
be improper or too embarrassing from the speech today and I mean to
stand by this, unfortunately however, this means that I've had to make
them all up instead.
The real stories, photos and best gossip is all in the leaflets that
I've had printed up here [Get leaflets from carrier bag and place on table].

As I understand; one of the main parts of the best mans speech should
explain to the brides family something about the Groom, but I fear in
this case we may be better off skipping straight to the toasts.

Anyway, where should I start? <Grooms Name> was born in <Home Town> on
the 27th January. In the year of the Badger. I did try to link this to
some kind of massive world event, but nothing else happened that day …
the day that the staff of <Home Town> Infirmary refer to as “Monkey
Birth Tuesday”.

In growing up, <Grooms Name> spent various amounts of time between
England, Holland and Dubai before returning to England to finish off his
education and bag himself a couple of degrees. After the first one of
these, he had a gap year where he met <Brides Name> for the first time
and everything began to go swimmingly. It was only during a year
studying at University that his life took a serious turn for the worse …
he met me. Together we'd get together with our best mates – Joshua
Tetley and Stella Artois. I remember one particular night where the
three of us were in a very local pub for very local people when <Grooms
Name> decided to spend the night trying to convince a very burly, not to
mention hairy Hull landlord that he could drink till well after closing
time because he (and I'm not making this up) was the direct descendant
of none other than Braveheart William Wallace.

So beware <Brides Name>, if you're thinking about changing this man too
much you may now be his wife but you'll never take his freedom!

And so to the present; <Grooms Name> will shortly be taking up a job in
Sunny Yorkshire ([Have a look out of the window] You can see here I
wrote this speech last week eh?). I am sure that <Grooms Name> will be
able to survive up North this time.

Of course, <Grooms Name> has also recently managed to pass a different
kind of qualification – his driving test. And at only the seventh
attempt. Maybe this was something to do with his motto – “If you don't
like my driving then stay off the pavements”. Anyway it's all good news
to the new Mr and Mrs <Name> if not bad news for pedestrians in the
Yorkshire area.

Anyway, I think I've made enough cheap shots now. Seriously, <Grooms
Name> is a fabulous person and a really good friend. He is kind, caring,
considerate and quite simply the best guy you're ever likely to meet and
what's more he's ………… what have you written here <Grooms Name>?
… err Yes. Anyway I think it's about time I moved on to pass on some of
the remarks for people who were unable to make it today.

Read cards.

It's been a pleasure to be given the honour of being <Grooms Name>’s
Best man; to assist the most wonderfully natural couple on their special
day. <Grooms Name> – you've married a loving beautiful smart and caring
woman in <Brides Name> and <Brides Name>, if <Grooms Name> can be as
good a husband to you as he can be a friend to us I'm sure that you're
both in for a wonderful rest of your life together.

There I knew I could say something genuine!
And I think that brings us nicely to the bit we've all been waiting for.
It gives me immense pleasure, not to mention great relief … if I could
invite you all to stand.
To <Grooms Name> and <Brides Name>, we wish you well for the future &
hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage.

REMOVED:

Yeah – the more you laugh at the jokes I promise the faster the
speech'll end.

When <Grooms Name> first called to ask me to be his best man and
organise a stag night and get him to the church on time and say a few
nice things about him I felt honoured but couldn't help but think he
should have chosen someone else. Unfortunately for both of us it was too
late and here we are today … the happiest day of your life … well at
least that's what <Brides Name> told me earlier. Well so it should be,
for you have just married a most beautiful, humorous and honourable lady
– – – and <Brides Name> you've married … this.

We're all here because after 26 years of looking <Grooms Name> has
managed to find a special someone. Someone who can see past his obvious
facial and bodily disfigurements, past the shallowness and the
narrowness and over dependence on curry to whatever it is that lurks
beneath the surface. Something quite hideous I'd have thought but
<Brides Name> seems to like it anyway.