Speech by Aj Seth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Aj Seth
Speech Date: Jun2005
Ladies and Gentlemen, Unaccustomed as I am to speaking at a formal engagement – I would just like to say WELCOME to MY BEST MATES WEDDING!
For those who do not know me my name is Aj and I have known Steve for as long as I can remember: actually my memory is quite poor and only stretches back as far as last Wednesday; but I'm sure I've known him for longer that! We go back a long way BUT NOT ALL THE WAY. Despite the rumors! Although that one time we shared bed, all I can say is that I WAS dreaming that I was pulling a rope in a tug of war although it was the only time I saw Steve smiling in the morning asking if I had any cigarettes!!!

Infact I've known Steve so long I knew him when he was slim! Even when I was slim!! Although we both did lose 10 kilos once (pause) Bloody sniffer dogs!! Glad you're laughing these aren't gonna get any better…

So Steve and Stephanie have finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Steve couldn't have done any better and Stephanie couldn't have done any worse. BOOM BOOM

I must say that I think Stephanie looks absolutely stunning and as Steve just looks stunned! NO Change their then.. No Steve looks the part as well although he has copied my outfit! Does it all the time you know..
And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today (look at Steve) is a Saturday!

I would like to thank Kit (KATRINE..) and Terrie for firstly performing their roles so gracefully, and for looking so fantastic today. Infact all the women here look absolutely gorgeous (Only second to Stephanie of course) and I am officially the Best man it's Official! – Can't believe me luck!! So if you fancy an Indian let me know! Its your duty and tradition – Its true I read it on the internet!! Well it's a little tradition where I came from a small quaint little village call islington where I was born.

Thanks also go to the Ushers who have done a great job… pointing people to the bar! Even though they never stood away from it!!! Give a little wave chaps yes there they are the one with the Bart Simpson haircut is Colin and I must say when he's been to the sunbed shop also has the same shade as his cartoon counterpart an orangie yellow (yo dude YOU ain't DOWN if you AINT Brown!! (make rap hand gestures) . The second is the Scotsman Richard yes you wave too. And if any of you are wondering what's under his kilt I can tell you (pause) Its his feet (point to the crowd) Naughty… (look at Steve) I thought you upgraded and paid for the posh audience this lot is as common as muck!

And Finally on behalf of Steve and Stephanie I would like to say a thank you to everyone today for being here and making it such a great day.
Stephanie, I feel I need to tell you about the man who you have married.
Steve can be described as Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Generous , A great lover and Per…Per…Sorry Steve, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

No seriously he could be described as charming, intelligent, witty…and perhaps one day he will be.

For those who don't know Steve I will briefly tell you about a few incidents that have occurred over the years (look at Steve show your hand to him) – now your chance 20 quid final offer!)

I met Steve when we both got our first jobs worked in a government department – no not area 51 and I wasn't feeding him through a cage either. It was a time when promotions weren't given out unless you wore a bowler hat or were related to the royal family in someway. Anyway I remember our first promotions – I remember with absolute glee how happy I was on being told due to my sterling efforts that I would be given more responsibility and although it wasn't a formal promotion I should regarded as such – and my prize was to be allowed to share a phone on my desk and it wasn't an old bit of kit either it had a dial with my own shared extension written in biro on it. Steve was more lucky than I was after his appraisal he was also promoted in the same way and to his delight after a year and half's committed service he was given a chair…Oh happy days We were so naive then we thought job security meant that we would have to work in a bunker sixty feet underground. Which we did for a while. We'd walk round telling everyone our jobs were secure…

We worked merrily away and through hard toil I remember Steve had saved up to buy his first a brand new car. It was the fastest thing I'd ever seen – It was sleek streamlined and red. It looked the absolute bol.bol . er er lovely. Alright it was only a fiesta but to us it was the love machine that would attract all the ladies…we thought we were stars of our world a truly precious time.

From there we worked in various posts sometimes together and sometimes apart but always remind friends throughout. Steve was always the clever one I remember coming in to the office once and talking about the latest chick to arrive in the typing pool and asked what he was doing – He put down his book and said I'm reading about quatum physics quarks. Infact I thought that meant he got a book out about star trek and said no need to tell be more I'll wait for the next episode on sky! He has over the years had great inspirational moments of SILENCE!! You never quite know what he is thinking but you know its going to be good.

In the old days money was never in abundance so we did have to be careful with it . I wouldn't say Steve was tight and I do remember him buying coffee for me once although I hadn't intended to give blood on that day. (They ain't gonna get any better!).

He moved onward and upward to the man we know today and has shown he is the ultimate technologist providing insight and vision to all the companies he has worked for. Including this one. I do remember one of those times in this company when he passed his knowledge on to others. One of the heads of department called the helpdesk of which Steve was manager and was complaining that his PC was slow. The manager was quite sharp with and demanded that he sort out the problem immediately. Steve not wishing to be unhelpful and yet annoyed at this upstart told the user that if he was to get a pile of books and put it under the back of the pc causing it to lean forward would cause the electricity to flow quicker to the front. The department head complied and thanked Steve for his prompt advice. Users hey.

But he's thinking can go astray at times – let me explain
Oh I must tell about a time and although I'm afraid to say it, it was quite recent . Steve after a visit to the offices abroad well Peterlee nr Duraham went out with a few colleagues for a beer and a curry . The evening went well and he couldn't finish his curry so he decided to bring it back to his hotel room. A little while went by and he thought he'd have a bath also at the same time he started feeling peckish again but by then the curry and rice had got cold. So he thought “I know (being the genius lateral thinker that he is) I'll run the bath with hot water only and put the rice container in the tub to warm up . He did this to his great delight patting himself on the back at his ingenuity and gently rested the silver container in the bath as the water started to fill. He was looking forward to having his meal and a bath before bed when the phone rang, it was Steph they chatted about their day and in not so many words merely made contact to say they were missing each other AAAAhhh. Anway time passed and Steve started to remember his belly and that he was smelly and ended to the conversation and went rushing into the bathroom only to find that the rice container had floated under the hot running tap and spread the rice across the entire length of the bath!! Now as some of you may know steve works in disaster recovery and is not one to give up easily so if thinks well I can't eat the rice anymore but the water is still warm I'll have a bath anyway – Which he did. Needless to say he came out feeling fresh although for the first time a bit starched!! The conclusion of this story is everybody at some time or another makes themselves look like a right pudding but it's the first time I've know anyone coming out looking like a rice pudding!!! (Pause)
Now it wouldn't be fair of me not to help my mate and give a few pieces of advice and he enters the realms matrimony pause RUN!!! No no I don't mean that but you will need to understand a few essentials things about the beautiful beings you have now decided to become one with.
Although he does know some stuff. Infact I tested him yesterday and I asked him what would you say if the most beautiful girl in the world came through the door right now – he replied hello Steph.(Pause)Ahh

Now on to the essentials Steve will need…

1)When a women says yes (Apart from today that is) she means no and when a women's says no she means no.

2)In fact if you can master the art of sleeping with your eyes open and nodding occasionally you won't go wrong.

3)The next thing you have to learn is an action and that is “BACK away slowly” I will give you an example of this shortly.

4)woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you.

5)Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

6)This one is more for you Steph as some of you may know Steph is currently studying for her degree. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

7)Now and important lesson for you to learn. You know when you lying there in bed with your partner and she wants a cuddle (Look at Steve – it's ok you can't start to nod now, bless him he needs the practice!! He's like a rabbit in the head lights!) and no longer sure what your right arm is for now that your married (yes keeping nodding – he's getting better!) your meant to put it under your wife's head and gentle give her a cuddle or so she thinks. Now all you men in the room you know as well as I do that this is not the most comfortable position a man can be in (stretch out your arm and curve it slightly). You kinda lay there feeling the blood drain away from arm and know any time now you fingers will start to go numb she of course will be settling in for the duration with a little smile on her face. You get the other arm round which she grabs quickly and clasps her hand into yours you know (mime action) now you get your knees and put them under like so (bend Slightly) so your there and she is getting comfortable. Instead of you sharing this joyous position you mind starts to wonder and you feel you should be doing something, so you get the arm that is under her as it is not the one that is in the palm of her hand and you start to letting your fingers do the walking.. but by now you can't feel a thing as you arm has been asleep for 10 minutes. Not to be put you think you found something so you slowly start to caress it with all the care you can muster. You feel reassured as she says to you “this is nice” but also at the same time she's wondering why your fondling her elbow!!! A few minutes pass and it's not before long then yes a stirring takes place yes I know we just can't help it at which point she's says OH For godds saaake you spoilt it now – This is when you back away slowly….(Pause).

9) There is one final thing you must know there is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy – Her heart.

I must end now, you'll all be glad to here and I could have told you about so much more, I could have told you about the time Steve blew up his car or the time he set fire to the office (wait for Steve to disagree) – I know I caused the fire but I told the police it you!
The final thing I can say is that life is like prospecting whereby you always digging searching to find your way, and on that way as a prospector occasionally you find gold. I can honestly say on this journey of life that the most important things I have is the friends that are with me. Over the years friends become family and family become friends and in Steve I have found a true nugget of Gold and today right next him I have also found a beautiful diamond.

Love is nothing unless it is shared by two.

It gives me immense pleasure invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Steve and Stephanie.

To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple; To the NEW Mr and Mrs George.