Speech by Ajdale

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ajdale
Speech Date: oct 2003
AS THE MC
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INTRODUCE BRIDE AND GROOM

Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding for the bride and groom

INTRODUCE THE CUTTING OF THE CAKE

Ladies and Gentlemen, Jon's just told me that he?s still a little peckish after losing his breakfast this morning, so what better time than now to cut the cake.

INTRODUCE FIRST SPEAKER

OK time for the bit everybody?s been waiting for?

THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE

Going with tradition, it's time to introduce David, the father of the bride, now Dave is a deputy head teacher, so you shouldn't have any problems hearing him,but just in case please feel free to come and kneel at the front… and please pay attention as there maybe a test at the end. Take it away Mr. Rogers SIR.

Cheers Dave great speech, and a tough one to follow, so I'm glad I'm not next

INTRODUCE THE GROOM

Now you've all sung the hymns, you've all heard the vows, and you?ve all been in the photos, but now it's time to hear from the Groom himself, Jon.

Thanks, Jon, do you know that?s the first time I?ve heard you speak in front of
Alice for a whole 5 minutes without being interrupted

THE SPEECH
WHO AM I

OK for those of you that don't know me I?m Andy the best man, I?m afraid my speech isn't gonna be that funny as I?ve used most of my jokes up introducing
the others.

QUICK REMINDER

Before I start I?m going to just remind everybody of something that I?ve heard hundreds of times in the last couple of months from both the bride and the groom, so I'd just like to remind everyone that today is Alice and Jon?s day, so if you lot don't laugh at my speech it's gonna create a really bad atmosphere for everyone for the rest of the day.

READ LETTERS/TELEGRAMS – pocket the money from any cards

Firstly I'd like to read out a couple of Cards from people who couldn't make it here today.

# Read real letter #

# Joke letter # – printed out and placed in brown envelope before hand
Dear Mr. Jackson

We have been trying without success… to contact you for the past 28 days… If you do not contact us with 7 days from the date above,
We will have no choice but to cut it off.

Loads of love

British gas

# Read real letter #

RESPONCIBILITIES

Now when Jon first asked me to be his best man, I just stood there in a sort of trance, whilst Jon expected me to be jumping for joy, although I don't think he knows what a huge responsibility it was going to be, all I could think about was having to make a speech in front of a hundred people I didn't know… but Jon reassured me, that if I do a good job today I can be the best man at his next wedding too.

But then I thought… this speech is going to be my revenge.

REVENGE

A REVENGE for having to spend 6 hours a week locked in a car with Jon, while he sings along to the radio… badly, and when he finished he'll say – I could be EMINEM, I could be MADONNA, or I could be RIGHT SAID FRED…

But when we're in my car I get to turn up the tunes so that it drowns him out, but then he ends up going… big box, little fish, where's the toilets…in time to the music, which can produce some pretty funny looks from passers by.

LOVE IS BLIND

Now I don't know what all that spout about Dave accepting Jon into his family and gaining a son was all about. Cos I know for a fact that the first time they met Jon it was a different story.

Now Jon had known Alice for a total of 7 days, and after a 2 day bender, he decides that he's gonna turn up at her parents house in the middle of Wales. He hadn't really been to bed for 2 days, Was still in his work clothes and he stunk of beer…so surprise surprise when he get lost too, and has to make a reverse charge call to ask for directions. so on finally appearing on their door step looking rather dis-sheveled, the first thing al's mum offers to do is wash all his clothes, I can just imagine his Y fronts hanging in the kitchen to dry, they probably thought their daughter had gone out of her mind…

Which just goes to show that love is not only blind but also it's also got no sense of smell.

UNDER THE THUMB

Now when Jon first introduced me to Alice, I could immediately tell that he'd have his hands full with this one…

EATING OUT OF HER HAND
…No Not in a bad way, it's just that, well lets say Jon is definately under the thumb, and Alice has done a great job at house training him. She just has to click her fingers and he jumps, in fact she has Jon eating out of her hand, which saves on the washing up I suppose

ANYTHING FOR A QUIET LIFE
"Anything for a quite life he tells me"… he also insists that it?s all just an illusion, IF he wants something doing, it gets done… IF he says he'll be in at 10pm, He'll be in at 9.55pm, and if he wants new pink rubber gloves and lemon scented fairy liquid, HE'LL GET new pink rubber gloves and lemon scented fairy liquid.

BEST WAY TO A MAN HEART
Although it's easy to tell where the attraction is, and after sampling Alice's triple choc sponge cake, with smarty toppings, I can truthfully say that there is loads of truth in the old saying about getting to a mans heart.

FLAPJACK
In fact Jon can often be found in the canteen, eating allsorts of delicious deserts, from flapjacks to sponge cakes and muffins, and every so often Alice will also send him in with a little extra to give to his best mate Andy, (that?s me). It?s funny though cos last week she made loads of flap jack, and I know he came in with extra, but I never saw a flake.

NOW FOR THE NICE BIT

Jon, I know I?ve taken the Mickey a bit, but that?s quite normal for me, you're always at the but of my jokes, but you also get you're own share of jokes on me, and we know where the line should stop, OK I sometimes miss the line by miles, but you've got to remember that, we're not laughing at you we're laughing with ya… you've been a fantastic mate to me over the years, and truly has been fun and an honor to be your best man.

LUNCH IN THE CAR
When I started at the RAC, the very first day they sat me next to Jon, so he could tell me the ins and outs of the business, but if you remember I was very shy even then, so at lunch times I used to go and sit in my car to eat my dinner, because I didn't have anyone to talk too, now Jon being the person he is, started inviting me to lunch and really made me feel like one of the gang, and it wasn't long before we were living out of each others pockets, that?s when he could pry himself away from Alice that is. And with our terrible sense of humors, we are regarded as some sort of comedy double act, although he's definitely the straight man. So I Just want to say thanks for being such a great friend over the years and I hope you and Alice have the health, and happiness you deserve for many years to come.

FINAL WORDS OF THANKS

Finally… on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Jon for his kind words. I am sure you'll all agree that they look… well almost as good as I do… and they have done an excellent job in getting Alice to the church on time. I would also like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day particularly those of you who have traveled long distances. And if Jon?s Mum could have been here today she?d be as proud as all of us to be part of this special occasion and wish you the very best future happiness.

LOOK STUNNING
We also can't forget Alice who looks absolutely stunning today, as I?m sure you will all agree, Unfortunately for Jon. He just looks stunned. No seriously Jon's a very lucky man, they married today for better and for worse. Jon couldn?t have done better and Alice couldn?t have done much wor… (Look down at notes and stumble) better either.

Now for a couple of toasts

BAR STAFF

There are two people, who this evening, we have all took into our hearts, who mean a whole lot to us, and without them, this day would not have been the success that it has been. Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses, and join me in a toast, (short pause), the bar staff.

THE LAST TOAST

And now a toast to the future happiness, of the bride and groom…To Mr. and Mrs. Jackson.