Speech by Al Banton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Al Banton
Speech Date: May2003
Introduction
(Envelopes)
Ladies and Gentlemen

FORNICATION ….I'm sorry, For an Occasion such as this, it is customary for the Best Man to make a speech, this unfortunate duty falls to me!

In writing these few words, I thought it best to memorize them, but please forgive me if any Ad-Libbing causes any offense! In preparation for today, I had asked for an autocue to assist with the speeches, however I was told the wedding budget didn't stretch that far and after three Champagne toasts, neither does my eyesight.

We are here to celebrate the joining together of Ian and Gemma in Marriage which gives us this wonderful opportunity to reunite old friends and family in Celebration. And for both sets of respective parents to finally say: Thank God, that's over. Stan and Ray I'm sure you will agree.

Being the Best Man is regarded as the most honoured duty a friend can fulfil, however can be related in my view to being a bit like a U.N. Weapons Inspector – A VERY important job, yet seldom few applicants! However as Best Man there are many duties involved in getting the Groom to the ceremony in ship shape fashion, and to my surprise and horror the Best Man is required to ensure the groom uses the toilet and dresses properly becoming somewhat of a Mother Figure to the Groom during the pre-marriage ablutions.

Now before I go on to completely slander Ian's character as is traditional, I'd just like to thank Gemma for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’. Those of you who know me will know that I find it near impossible to accomplish even the simplest of tasks without the use of a Checklist, something to do with having an Aviation background – (You would be surprised how many times I'm told that I need one!)

About Ian
Well what can I say, A charming young man with a very strong personality who from an early age had a fascination with all things computers.
Ian was a good looking lad and from a young age displayed sings of modesty and appeared in his first modeling shoot, for the Bell manufacturer Taylors. (See Picture) at this point friends and family thought that Ian would give up the ambition of computer programmer and pursue a modeling career, However this was sort lived. (That is until recent years when Ian can now be seen modeling Mensware at various Bridal Fashion shows throughout the Midlands – Tickets available later on – at a reasonable price)

As youngsters, we accomplished all sorts of things together and at the age of 11 Ian and I undertook the construction of our tree house. At first the prospect seemed daunting, but Ian wasn't deterred as he already had experience at tree climbing as the girl from across the road could vouch! During the construction phase, Ian and I ran into our first encounter with the local neighborhood bobby, as the old dear from along the lane had reported that the trees were shouting obscenities and as “that sort of thing didn't happen in my day” PC flowers naturally investigated, and found Ian half camouflaged 15ft aloft and trying to silence my 5yr old brother from his foul mouth. Naturally Ian took the wrap, after all how many five yr olds can make Prime Ministers Question Time look like a tea party?

Ian also took a keen interest in his studies and during a school visit to Telford discovered that some words had double meanings and to his amusement, Abraham Derby had Erected the first Iron Bridge in 1779. (Show Picture).

During Sixth Form, Ian was already very adept with the ladies, but had failed to find his perfect match. Partly due to the fact that none of the previous girlfriends were able to cope with his Impetual untidiness and the strange hours in which Ian would stare at a computer screen. That is until Ian met Gemma. Unlike some romances where couples meet and fall in love, Ian and Gemma had an acquaintance with each other and at some point realized they had a mutual attraction. It wasn't until their first romantic encounter, during a boozy night down the pub with most of the Sixth Form that their romance blossomed and from then on Ian was smitten!
Shortly after Ian and Gemma were an Item, I decided to take Ian On a “Lads” holiday away to Mallorca. Ian and I went it a lone, to discover a little more about the World and perhaps a little more about women. Unfortunately the only thing that Ian discovered during the weeks holiday was how to ask for the ‘Tortuga’ phone card and to put it to good use in the local pay phones along with all the other love sick or possibly home sick male tourists. Whilst Ian spent hours on the phone to Gemma every evening I was left to my own devises. To my disgust, I learnt little about Women except that it was necessary to have some grasp of German or Spanish before attempting to chat up the local lady tourists. However we both had learnt a valuable life lesson. Ian had learnt not to go away without Gemma, and I had learnt not to take Ian away with a phone card.

Ian and Gemma
Ian's life has changed since he met Gemma, thankfully for the better as he is now the successful well adjusted man you see before you, (or at least he was about two and a half ago)! However, its not all been plane sailing for either of them as they have both had to make compromises for example: Ian has had to not only adjust to life with Gemma, but also had to adjust to Gemma AND her Horse, Which I must admit sounds rather awkward at meal and bed times! There is also the odd occasion during the course of an evening where Gemma has been known to have one too many glasses of lemonade and start her infamous table top dancing.
Gemma on the other hand has had to adjust to life with Ian, which is no mean feat. I Know, I've spent time on holiday with him! Vices and idiosyncrasies aside, Ian and Gem have become great friends and great partners, and like vital parts in a well oiled machine, one would probably not function without the other, (Ian would probably cease up)!

Epilogue
Now before I leave Ian and Gemma to settle into married life, I have discovered that there are a few important guidelines that the Groom should follow to ensure married bliss, I therefore feel it my duty to inform you Ian.
1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything Gemma tells you to do, (nothing new to learn there).
2. Never go to bed angry…always stay up and fight the bruises will heal!
3. Always try to help with the cleaning…In your case Ian pick your feet up when Gemma's hovering.

Remember Ian, that MARRIAGE is not just one word … it is a sentence……you get less for life imprisonment.
Finally Always remember to tell her those 3 little words, "You're right darling".

Toast
And so Ladies and Gentlemen, the Best Mans speech draws to a close, (I'm sure you all very glad the select panel didn't choose the “Extremely long speech” However there was an awful lot of ground to cover, which is exactly what I shall be doing if I don't shut up!
It now falls to me to wish you both, health, happiness and prosperity in your new marriage.
Congratulations to you Mr and Mrs Ian and Gemma James
Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses.
TO THE BRIDE & GROOM
Response: “To the Bride and Groom
End