Speech by Alan B

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan B
Speech Date: June 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you are all enjoying yourselves. I'm sure you will agree that everything has gone well so far. Unfortunately, you can't expect 100% perfection, which means you will have to suffer me for the next few minutes. I can assure you that it will be very short. Unlike most best man speeches which are full of sexual innuendo, I have promised R that if there is anything slightly risqué, I will whip it out immediately.

When A first approached me to act as his Best Man, which he assured me is nothing to do with everyone else being unavailable due to watching the World Cup, I thought I had better read up on all the expected duties from a Wedding Etiquette Guide, which are:-

1) Ensure the groom choses his clothes wisely. Well there wasn't a suit in the shop that he didn't try on. As many of you know, A's job requires him to keep calm in emergency situations, so it was a bit of a surprise when he asked the shop owner if he could throw in a spare pair of underpants too.

2) Bring along a bag containing the following …toothpaste, spare cash, deoderant, viagra (sorry, that should have read aspirin !)

3) Ensure the groom uses the toilet before the ceremony. No, sorry – we're not THAT close !

I have known A for about 7 years. I would like to tell you a collection of stories about the embarrassing moments he has gone through and would prefer to forget, but there aren't any. There are no embarrassing photos from his past to make him blush. In all the time I have known A, he's been a polite, clean living guy with no skeletons in the cupboard. Luckily his old friends from College got in touch with me this week and came up with the goods.

(BRING OUT A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER AND PHOTOS)

Again, R has told me to censor anything that may be embarrassing, so I can't show you them. However, at the end of the afternoon, if A hasn't made a sizeable enough offer, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement. I must tell you that the Evening Courier has already made a substantial bid for this information, so you must beat this offer.

Seriously, there's nothing to tell and A and R start their married life in a happy environment. There are obviously some changes. R now has a much shorter surname and I have noticed that R has been practicing signing her new name in the wedding car on the way here by writing some cheques. (HOLD UP CHEQUE BOOK). Don't want to worry you A and I'm sure you will fine when the new BMW is delivered.

Later this week, A and R will be enjoying the sun in Malta. I understand that the Kebab takeaway owners remember their last visit a few years ago and one in particular is hoping to retire on the proceeds at the end of the month.

Well, this speech is nearly over. A will say a few words shortly and I'm sure it won't be the first time today that he has stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in his hand.

Joking apart, I would like to say that I've had the pleasure of knowing A and R for several years and they are a happy, sociable and loving couple. I wish you all the best in what I'm sure will be a long and happy marriage. This would now be an excellent opportunity to propose a toast to the Bride and Groom. I'm sure you will agree that Helen has done an excellent job in her support for R and the Bridesmaids, so would you also join me in a toast to the Bridesmaids.