Speech by Alan Cameron

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Cameron
Speech Date: Nov 2001
Thank you ladies and gents.
For those of you who don't know me I'm Jxxxs younger brother and best man
and my name is . . . ‘Alan, can I buy you a drink’. Feel free to come up
and talk to me later on, I'll be around the bar area.

PAUSE

Before I begin, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Jxxx for his
kind words, and I might just add that his thanks are fully justified because
they have done an incredible job and look great. Indeed, they are only
eclipsed by Axxx herself who I'm sure you'll agree looks absolutely stunning
today.

When Jxxx asked me to be his best man I was well chuffed. They say that
being a best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother – it's
a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. Well I've actually been
looking forward to it, but she's up in Balmoral this weekend, so here I am
instead.

I was a bit nervous about talking to you today, and I can assure you that
this is not the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with
a piece of paper in my hand!

I've already congratulated Jxxx on the nuptials. I said to him "Jxxx,
brother, you know you'll always look back on this as the happiest day of
your life."
That was yesterday.

While on the subject of congratulations, I'd like to read out a few cards

Read out cards
Alternative Cards

I hope your marriage is blessed with luck
And trust that Axxx is a very good cook (steady!!!)
I'm sure your night will be quite thrilling
Provided Jxxx is able and willing
(Not signed)

* Axxx, I'll miss those late nights together, I'm sorry you never
picked me. Brad Pitt

* Jxxx, I'll miss those Saturday nights at the Wine Bar. Dale Winton.

* My place, 10 o'clock – HRH Queen Elizabeth I (woops that one's for
me)

I actually tried to get in touch with some of Jxxxs ex-girlfriends to see if
any of them would like to send a message to wish him all the best, but it
appears that since the advent of foot and mouth, most of them have been
quarantined or shot and burned. Sorry Jxxx.

(HAVE A SPARE FEW SHEETS OF PAPER HANDY)
Now, this is the part where I am supposed to insult and do my best to
embarrass Jxxx (been going okay so far). In view of my duties I prepared a
mild speech and a normal speech because I'm getting married next year and
being my best man, Jxxx could get revenge, so thinking "I'll see how I feel
on the day if I want to risk a retort next year" I brought both speeches.
(drop one) ..… I love a challenge !!

I would like to thank mum and dad for providing us both with board and
lodgings last night. This enabled me to keep an eye on Jxxx and make sure
that he got to the church on time.
We had a couple of beers last night too just to calm the nerves and I can
tell you that Jxxx slept like a baby..…
He woke up crying every half an hour, wanting his mummy.

Jxxx was always someone I looked up to for information or advice and I like
to think that he led me through my plooky youth. One time we were at the
shops and we passed by the condoms stand in Boots. I asked him what they
were and he explained.
So I asked why do they come in packs of three, six and twelve?
Well Alan, he said…packs of three are for teenagers:- They use one on
Friday, one on Saturday and one on Sunday.
Packs of six are for twentysomethings:- Two on Friday, two on Saturday and
two on Sunday
Packs of twelve are for married men:- One in January, one in February…

Although I like to think that I supported Jxxx too when he needed it..…
Jxxx and I went on holiday together to Ibiza a few years ago. It was great,
go out at 10 at night, come home at 8 in the morning, have breakfast, wake
up with your head in your breakfast, go to sleep, get kicked out of
restaurant, find somewhere else comfortable to sleep, wake up at 6 in the
evening with sunstroke, go to hotel and cover yourself in aftersun. Go back
out at 10 and start all over again.
I wouldn't say we drunk to excess when we were there……..… we basically
drank to anything!
We did have a couple of nights out where we never made breakfast. One night
someone spiked Jxxxs drink (honest!!) but luckily enough we were in a bar
only 100 yards from the hotel. I still wonder to this day how it took 2
hours to get to the hotel room. Jxxx started suffering from a severe case
of vertigo (he felt sick every time his head went above 6 feet) so every few
steps we had to sit down, take 5 (usually minutes) and then try for another
ten steps. I had sobered up by the time we got to the hotel. I had to help
him into bed too. Not one of his finest moments.

We always knew Jxxx was going to do well though, in high school he was into
breeding dustmites and god knows what else in his bedroom. And after
leaving school, he appeared to develop a passion for horticulture. His
collection of mouldy coffee cups was very impressive.
But, he's ended up as an engineer and I have to say, doing very well in his
profession.

As you may have thought, I was going to bring rugby into this speech
somewhere…I'll be brief though (a bit like his rugby career to date).
Jxxx told me once that he thinks marriage is like rugby. He's fully
committed, intends to score every Saturday, change ends at half time, and
play away from home for half the season. Funny that, ‘cos Axxx reckons that
he'll definitely have a groin injury if he does. Although injury is what's
been keeping him away.

* There's actually another message from the rugby club Jxxx. In all
the time that he played for us we found Jxxx to be useless in every
position. Oh well Axxx, let's just hope you have better luck!

Axxx

Now a few words about Axxx.
What could one say about Axxx that hasn't already been written on the toilet
wall?
When writing my speech I actually got a bit of writer's block at this stage.
In desperation I reached for Roget's Thesaurus and looked up the word
"lovely". There I found six words that describe Axxx perfectly – beautiful,
charming, delightful, and Gin and Bitter Lemon! Axxx has also become a good
friend since I have known her. She is kind, generous, a good laugh at
parties and can give a rare rendition of Eric Claptons’ Wonderful tonight.
But seriously, we sincerely welcome her into the family.

Axxx was first introduced to the family at a Rugby Club ceilidh one boxing
night and after a few reels with my Dad she managed to leave in one piece.
Major point on the "Get in with Dad" scorecard there, I think he was well
impressed.
As Jxxx said, he and Axxx met at a black tie do about three years ago in a
hotel in Glasgow (one of these "professional" dinners). I think Axxx liked
the James Bond look about him. I remember talking to her during the ceilidh
(when she could catch her breath) She told me that the first time she laid
eyes on Jxxx she thought he was handsome from afar, but earlier today she
told me that now she thought he was far from handsome.

Apparently her mum had a word with her last night to explain some of the
most important features of a wedding ceremony;
1. Aisle. Sounds like mile as it is the longest walk
you'll ever take
2. Altar. The place where 2 become 1
3. Hymn. A song of joy after the marriage is proclaimed
This may explain why a number of you heard her chanting "Aisle, Alter, Hymn"
under her breath on her way down the aisle

Now I wouldn't say Axxx likes a good drink but you may also have noticed
that she was walking down the aisle leaning to one side. Turns out she's
not used to walking without a Haddows off sales bag.

I asked Jxxx, what he was looking for in marriage; he said love, happiness
and eventually a family. When I asked Axxx the same question, she
replied…A PERKY COPULATOR. Sorry that was actually a COFFEE PERCULATOR!!!

I asked Axxx's mum for some pre-wedding thoughts. She said to me "it's
funny how history repeats itself. 30 years ago Axxx was being sent to bed
with a dummy – and well, here we are again today".

Speaking of dummies, I'd love to have been there when Jxxx met Axxxs family
for the first time. He was already well oiled himself and was doing the
rounds of the relatives after arriving at a Christmas party and was
introduced to Ellen, leaned down to give he a Merry Christmas kiss and……
poured his beer all over her.
Feeling rather embarrassed, he was then introduced to Julie, So he leaned
down and, yep, poured drink all over her too. After that everyone just got a
"Hi, pleased to meet you".

Before I finish (no cheering yet please), Jxxx I would like to offer you a
few gems of advice for married life.

Never go to bed angry………….always stay up and argue.
Always remember those three little words……."You're right dear".
Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.
And you must be prepared for the oldest trick in the book…’So Jxxx, do you
notice anything different’?

PAUSE

I'm going to stop talking now because of my throat. Jacqueline has
threatened to cut it if I talk for too long
So Jxxx, I would like to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to
be your brother and your best man, and to say how lucky you are to have
married Axxx today.

PAUSE

And now Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding, raise your glasses and
join me in a toast to Jxxx and Axxx, May your joy be everlasting and your
only pain be champagne. "The Bride and Groom"