Speech by Alan Cookson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Cookson
Speech Date: feb 2003
Nicks Wedding Speech.

Hello ladies and gentleman, can you all hear me…? Great make mine a lager top. It is customary for the best man to firstly introduce himself to all his audience, my name is Alan better known to most of you as Hog, one of many nick names Nick has given me in the past most of which are not usable in the presence of the children here today.

Mrs Nick Kelly, better known as Helen, Mel, Louise or Lou, god I thought I would have problems introducing myself here today, it seems some of you know Lou by any one of these names, so for today's purposes I thought I would refer to her as Doris..only joking.

On behalf of Ali, Ros and myself I would like to start by thanking Nick for his kind words, it must have taken some time for him to come up with such nice words about me for a change, I just hope he still feels the same in 10 minutes time. I would also just like to add at this point, how wonderful you all look, especially Nick & Lou who I'm sure you will all agree look the perfect couple.
Applause

Nick and Lou could I please ask you both to stand.… Could I now ask Lou to place her hand on the table and you Nick to place yours on top…? Now Nick make the best of this, as it will definitely be the last time you have the upper hand. N & L Sit.

Now most internet sites that I have read in preparation for this, seem to make some reference to the amount of time I should speak, most say you should speak for no longer than the groom can make love for, now as that time scale passed just after I began..… I thought I would endeavour to make it as long as Nick spent in the bathroom this morning. When I eventually did get in, I nearly collapsed. So much for him being calm. Next time ensure you make use of these items please (produce brush and spray)

I've come to the conclusion during the past few weeks that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny! Now As the Nanny I've had to ensure that the groom arrived on time, he was sober, and was looking good,
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a bloody plastic surgeon!

No I jest – I was very honoured when Nick asked me to be the best man today, I find it quite funny that he has finally had to admit that I am the best man. So in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Nick the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of his life. – Which to be fair is only what he gives Lou every-time they go to bed.

I met Nick the year before he was 30 but seeing as he now claims to be anywhere between the ages of 31 & 34. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for me to put the record straight and reveal his true age without him being able to answer me back.

The first few clues for you all are as follows: Nick was born in the year The Mods and Rockers clashed at seaside resorts around the country – The year top of the pops was first broadcast – and the year the Sun Newspaper was first published, a particular favourite of Nicks who claims he buys it to do the crossword, I'm not so sure myself.
For the rest of the clues, I thought I would give Lou a short story or word of advise for every couple of years I have known him, you could call it Hogs short course guide to Nick Kelly.

Firstly: Nicks snoring is particularly bad as I'm sure Lou you will already know. The one person who can confirm this for me is Mickey Bradley who unluckily drew the short straw and was forced to share a double bed with Nick on our recent golf trip to Spain. Nicks excuse for his excessive snoring other than 60 fags a day, 10 pints of lager and a curry was that he forgot to pack his special anti snoring pyjama top, this meant poor old Mickey had to make do with the sun bed out by the pool. (Open envelope 1)
To ensure he does not forget to pack it for the honeymoon Lou, I have brought one that he left at my house the last time he stayed.
(Pyjama top).

Just recently I got in touch with a friend who works at Saltash School and asked him to dig out some of Nick's old school reports. His maths report made particular good reading, it said he needed to concentrate his efforts on learning metrification. Its now 32 years on to the day that metrification was introduced, and according to Lou, nothings changed, he is still struggling to tell the difference between Millimetres and Inches.
However, as some of you here will already know, he certainly does not struggle with the maths when it comes to working out the odds when he's having a gamble. Now, whether it be a golf match or a game of Euchre, it's an excuse for Nick to have a bet, the only trouble in the past is, its me that's had to put up with that Kelly smirk when he takes my Money. Thank god its not just been me that's been fleeced recently, as I'm sure he's been trying to raise funds to help pay for this lovely wedding, so I would just like to raise my glass and say cheers to Ben, Antony, Greg & Micky for helping to pay for this lovely Wine I'm drinking, sorry lads your loss my gain for a change.

Next; Nicks fear of airplanes seems to have developed into a bit of a problem for him over the past few years, and on the last flight with me he got that nervous rather than bite his nails he proceeded to pick the dried skin from his feet, so Lou, all I can say is I feel sorry for you having to put up with him shaking sweating and picking his feet for 14 hours on route to Kenya, so I have supplied you with one of my kids drinks cup, it might help you avoid his feet pickings ending up in your drink like some did in mine.

Now then Lou, ensure that you always stay faithful to his beloved Liverpool football team & never mention Manchester United as I'm sure he still can't get over the fact that Liverpool haven't won the league since he was 26… there's a bonus clue for you.
To help you with this Lou, I thought it best that I buy you a Liverpool top of your own as it's guaranteed to be the only thing that's going to get him excited in red this year.

Lastly; The Pubs in Saltash have always been Nick's favourite haunts in the past, particularly after he moved there 4 years ago. Now when I got the D.J in the Brunnel last week to announce to the girls on his stag night that Nick was now officially off the market, and could anybody with keys to his house return them to me. (Hold up big bag of keys) the response was quite impressive.

There you have it I've known him for ten years even though my kidneys are sure it's been more like double that.
Please open envelope 3 (40th birthday invite).
I'm sure that Nick will not mind the fact that I have taken it upon myself to invite you all to his 40th Birthday bash in 2004, yep that's next year so to confim, he is 39 this year.

Moving On to Lou now, I Must say that I do not know too much about Lou's past apart from the fact she has lived in just about every corner of the country and as I've mentioned earlier, under many different names, in fact, I'm beginning to wonder if Chris ever worked for C&A at all, I'm beginning to think it must have been the CIA.
Now one point Jean did mentioned too me just before the ceremony this afternoon was, she recalled having to regularly put Lou as a toddler into bed with her dummy, I did find it quite funny that history does seem to have a funny way of repeating its self.

A few Cards and Telegrams from absent freinds.
Dear Lou: It's a shame you had to rush into this, I thought we could have been good together: Brad ..… Pitt.
Dear Lou – We have found Nick useless as a partner for years; hope you have better luck than we do – Ploughboy euchre team.
Dear Nick: This special message comes to say.
Hope all goes well on your wedding day if you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips.
Lastly, A message from Nicks work colleagues, ‘Working with Nick is like working with God.
He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’

It is customary for the best man to offer some words of advise to the new groom, so I thought I would offer those given to me 12 years ago by my best man, if any other married men out there know them please feel free to join in.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A husband's last word should always be ‘YES DEAR’.
In a woman's dictionary an ARGUMENT is defined as;
A discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realised that yet.

To draw my speech to a close I thought I would find a quote to give you. The one I found was by the famous golfer Gary Player:

The harder you work the luckier you get.
Now I certainly think this famous quote has some relevance here although I don't think it applies to Nicks working habits as hard and work don't belong in the same sentence. However, it has relevance to the determination he has shown in pursuing Lou over the past months in making her his girlfriend, this has obviously paid off as we are all gathered her today to celebrate their wedding, and I'm sure you will all agree he is very lucky to have her.
Obviously my toast is going to focus on the most important people here today. The people we all feel a great love for, and without who today wouldn't be possible. At some stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts from this special day, and giving them our love and best wishes, so I would like to propose a toast to them…
"The bar staff"
Now for the real toast, ladies and gentlemen boys and girls it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to stand and to raise your glasses and wish Nick and Lou all the luck & happiness in the future and hope that may all their ups and downs and ins and outs be between the sheets.

Nick and Lou. The bride and groom.

Thank you