Speech by Alan Darby

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Darby
Speech Date: Aug2004
Good evening/afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
Buenas tardes a todas presente hoy en la boda de Mikaela y Kevin.

I won't be reading the whole speech out in Spanish, but as you know Mikaela has her Spanish family here. To make them welcome I would like to start my making a traditional Spanish wedding toast.

Now traditionally after we say this the bride and groom must kiss: so Kevin and Mikaela we're all expecting you to get up there and be as passionate as you want.

To the bride and groom! Vivan los novios!
Fantastic!

I'd like to start by thanking Kevin on behalf of the bridesmaids and page boy(s) for his kind words. You all look fantastic and have done a brilliant job so thank you very much!

So I've known you Kevin for over 20 years now so when I sat down to write this speech last night I wondered how I could get all of those fond memories into just one, 45 minute long speech. I'm going to try and do my best.

I've known you Kevin since we were 8, and I must say it's been an absolute pleasure… more for you than for me I suppose, but a pleasure none the less. When you asked me to be best man it truly was an honour and a dream come true. It means you've finally admitted that I am after all, the best man. Thanks mate!

So what can I tell you about Kevin? Well a few weeks ago I did a psychological test on him to find out if there was anything wrong upstairs and if Mikaela needed to be warned about anything. The first question was ‘what's your favourite animal?’. Apparently this tells us how Kevin sees himself.

Kevin's favourite animal is a monkey. He told me (and I quote): “I like them because they are hairy, gangly, trainable, funny and cool.”
Well the hairy bit explains his bizarre sideburns over the past few years, and I'm sure that Mikaela will be pleased that he is trainable. Just make sure you have a good supply of bananas!

The next question was ‘what is your second favourite animal’. This tells us how other people see him. Kevin's answer was ‘a dog’. Do we think of Kevin like a dog? Well, what do dogs do? I made a list.

They're a bit smelly – could be Kev.
Some of them have fleas- mmm, not since he was a student in Manchester.
They jump on you, get their dirty paws all over you and lick you all over – you'll have to ask Mikaela
They lick certain parts of themselves clean – well like most blokes I'm sure he would if he could, I'm sure.

But really Kevin isn't that sort of dog. . The reasons he likes dogs, and the reasons why we like him are because (another quote here) ‘they are loyal, friendly, intelligent and lovable’. I am sure that all of us who know him would completely agree. He is a man's best friend. I have been truly privileged to be his friend.

He's also a funny guy (though if you've been forced to read his internet jokes you wouldn't believe it!), some of his jokes are a bit too dirty for this audience, but one of my favourite stories happened at school.

In a 5th form physics lesson the teacher was demonstrating the Van de Graaf generator. He'd put a wig on it to show how electricity would make the hair stand up.

We were messing about and not paying much attention. Because Kevin was the noisiest kid the teacher asked him to explain to the class how the machine worked. Kevin looked at him and said: ‘Is it because hot hair rises, sir?’

The whole class erupted in laughter and we all got detentions, but it was worth it. Thanks mate – the funniest and quickest one-liner I've ever heard!

When we were at school we formed a band with Andy, Mark and Thomas – the famous Captain Coconut. Anyone remember them? Now Kevin was the best guitarist, bass player, keyboard player and singer, so obviously we made him the drummer.

Sadly, the band – like a shooting star- disappeared before it set the world alight. I would like to say that we broke up due to musical differences, but considering that none of us was really that musical it would be a lie!

So I'm really pleased that Kevin has decided to keep going with his music. He's a real talent and many of us here have enjoyed him playing a guitar and leading us in a family sing-a-long. He's still making music with Andy – Pioneer 10 they call themselves and I reckon they're good enough to get in the charts. We'll be selling cds out the back tonight if you're interested!

Kevin's love of music has meant that he has been an extremely successful student over the last couple of years. He's worked hard on his course as well as doing part-time work and next month he will be graduating with a first-class degree in Music management and Sound Production. It's a wonderful achievement. He's made his friends and family very proud. (Make a toast?)

But it's not always been all hard work and no play for Kevin. In the past, Kevin has been a bit of a lightweight. In fact the first stag do we went on together ended with us all being kicked out of a trendy London nightclub because Kevin had fallen asleep. This happened quite a lot in those days.

When he managed to stay conscious he could be hilarious, and anyone that's been out with him will know that there's lots of funny stories to tell. But perhaps his most famous incident didn't involve getting kicked out of a nightclub, but trying to get in to one. Must have been a good nightclub? No –it was Harry's on Slough High Street. The bouncers wouldn't let him in (can't think why – he'd only been drinking all day) so he thought he would sneak in through an open window. Except that the window was on the first floor. Apparently Kevin got all the way up to the window – an amazing achievement considering the state he was in- saw someone he knew inside and waved to them, with both hands. He went to casualty with concussion.

But the knock on the head has somehow managed to improve his drinking ability and I'm pleased to tell you that on his stag weekend in Amsterdam Kevin was the last man standing – which is more than some of us can say! Does anyone need a hot towel?

He didn't do as well on the Slough stag do though, mainly because of his brother Darren's experiments in cocktail making. His finest effort was carefully mixing crème de menthe with baileys then adding a pint of lager, then making Kevin down it in one. Lucky Kev got to drink a few of these, though they didn't stay in his stomach for long! Luckily he survived to be here now!

So I'd like to toast the gentlemen who attended both stag dos. Ben – have a sugary water please, and Darren, have a lager cocktail!

So we've talked bout Kevin's life so far but we are here to celebrate his future with Mikaela. How did they get together? They've known each for a long time as friends, seeing each other at family dos. When they finally got together it was obvious that Mikaela was someone very special. Since I've known you Mikaela I've found you to be a thoughtful, intelligent and passionate woman. And being half-Spanish and a teacher like me is even better! You are a perfect match for Kevin. He's been smitten from the start, and I've never seen him as happy, devoted and in love as he is now.

Mikaela you look really beautiful today – Kevin is a lucky man.

We have some messages to read out now.

Read list of names of people who couldn't attend, plus
Dear Kevin, I can't help thinking about what could have been – Loving you always – George Michael

And a card from an old friend of Mikaela's who couldn't make it today. It reads ‘So sorry I couldn't be there but I am just too upset that you turned me down!!! – Love Brad Pitt

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.

And would you all please remain standing, and join me in a toast to the happy couple Mr and Mrs Joyce. We wish them both all the best for their future together and we hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage. Vivan los novios!
Please now be seated and thank you for listening to me.

Explain arrangements for rest of the evening.