Speech by Alan Dixon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Dixon
Speech Date: oct 2002
Kris England & Paula Jordan Wedding Speech – 10.08.02

Intro

“Look at watch”
It was about 6 hours ago when Kris asked me to be his best man, I was even more impressed when he told that I was his first choice.
I said straight away “No way”
He offered me a tenner
I told him that I couldn't be bought
He then offered me £20
I said Kris, do you really think I'm that cheap?
So he upped it to £30
…..So good afternoon ladies and gentleman, my name is Alan and I am the best man.

“Prepare brick prop”

Only having had a few hours to prepare this speech I am very nervous, but I am not sure who is more nervous about this speech me or Kris, but I did find this in the toilet this morning “show brick”

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids and the page boy I would like to thank Kris for his kind words and can I say that they all look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

I would also like to add how stunning Paula looks today.
You may not know but the last week has been very difficult for Paula not only with the wedding preparations but on Monday she had her credit card knicked. Kris is not going to report it to the police because who ever knicked it is spending less than her!!

Before I begin, I have been asked by the manager of this beautiful hotel if we would ensure that all the fire exits are kept clear at all times, and the aisles between the tables are free from obstruction.
There are medical staff outside the building, and we need to give them a clear run when he gives John the final bill.
I must also ask all of the people here on Kristian's behalf not take any photo's or to shoot any video's during today for security reasons, that is social security reasons.

Seriously though Kris really is a wonderful bloke, being his best mate I've known almost all of his life and it's an honour to be his best man today.

So, I thought I would give you his life history before I go onto the juicy stories: Kris was born, went to school, met Paula, became a printer and got married, right, onto those stories!

We first met at Two Mile Hill infants and as always Kris was the best turned out boy at school with all the latest gear from Brenda Fashions. Lorraine has kept in contact with the staff there which came in handy for today!

Our friendship started to develop when we reached junior school I used to go around to Kris's house with a bunch of lads and beat each other into a pulp which turned out to be quite good practice for when we were in the queue at MacDonalds, but not much use in secondary school was it Kris?

You were the worst fighter Speedwell school had ever seen. I must admit you could take a punch but lets face you had plenty of practice, remember Lisa Bray's right hook in French!

“Prepare Big Mac boxes”

So after several slappings Kris decided to go on a fitness plan. The fitness part lasted a little longer than the careful eating part as Kris's idea of a balanced diet is “big mac” in each hand. “show big mac boxes”

Kris had many nicknames most of them referring to the unfortunate size of his nose just a few were: B-52, Schnozey, Egon, O-B-1-K-Schnozey,
Big nose (which was original) and Wharf. There was also Mr Floppy which I am sure did not refer to his nose but sounds like bad luck for you Paula.

“Prepare telegram prop”
Kris describes himself as an excellent football player, it is true that Kris occasionally tries to play football on a Sunday morning and in fact I have a telegram here that the boys from Bellcelona. It's a message for Paula and it reads "We have found that Kris is useless in all positions and so we hope you will have more luck tonight on your honeymoon"
“Use telegram prop”

Talking of the honeymoon, I don't know if you all know that Kris came up with this story that he had to cancel the honeymoon due to a little local difficulty with the natives and some explosives! I know the real reason that he was in a panic to change his honeymoon destination as he found out last week that Mauritius is one of the only countries in the world that does not have a MacDonald's!

One of the most important duties enlisted to me as best man was the delicate task of keeping Kris's ex-girlfriends from coming here today.
Thankfully this has been made a lot easier since the recent foot and mouth outbreaks. Quarantine laws meant that none of them could actually be here.
Right I'm now gonna read out some of the cards:
“Cards”

Sensible
To Kris: ‘We could have made a great couple’, Love George Michael
Sensible
Sensible
To Paula: ‘Shame it didn't work between us, however, if the gay rumours about Kris turn out to be true, ring me’, Robbie Williams
Sensible
‘Kris, hurry back from your honeymoon we all miss you so much’ and that one's from all the staff at MacDonalds, Broadmead.

Wedding Advice
As many of you will know, I am an authority on absolutely everything, and so I thought it only right at this time that I dish out some wedding day advice.
Firstly set the ground rules and establish who is the boss. And then do everthing Paula says.
Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present
Remember Kris a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when is right is married.
“Get glass for toast”
My final duty as best man is to toast the bride and groom, so ladies and gentlemen please charge your glasses and be upstanding to join me in toasting the bride and groom, May your wedding night be like a kitchen table, all legs and no drawers! “to Paula & Kris”