Speech by Alan Gray

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Gray
Speech Date: mar 2004

I would like to start by thanking David for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids, and adding my own compliments. Thank you ladies, you've performed your duties wonderfully.

I will try to keep my speech as brief as possible. According to the best advice I have read the best man's speech should be no longer than it takes the groom to make love…so thank you and good night.

In researching my best man's speech I discovered a couple of interesting facts about today.

Firstly, the first parachute jump was attempted on the 22nd of October 1797. It occurred to me that there were some obvious parallels between that act and the actions of David and Kim today.
* On both occasions a commitment was made that would last a lifetime, albeit in one case that lifetime might have only been about 30 seconds.
* An amazing level of trust was bestowed by the parties involved for their future happiness.
* And there was a true spirit of adventure displayed, a willingness to enter a new chapter in their life and discover what lay ahead.

And I for one watched today's ceremony with every bit of awe and admiration felt by the spectators at that parachute jump 200 years ago.

The second interesting fact about today was that it marks the 41st anniversary of the Cuban missile crisis. Now I'm not about to attempt to compare David and Kim's wedding to one of the tensest periods of human history, this is after all supposed to be a joyous affair.

But, it did occur to me that marriages are not always sweetness and light and that sometimes conflict and strife are a factor. But the Cuban missile crisis did demonstrate that no matter how bleak a time may appear to be, it is possible to reach a solution through discussion and compromise.

I would say to Dave that it is always important to have the last word in any discussion even if it is only, "Yes Dear".

In that spirit I would like to share with you the words of Ogden Nash:
To keep your marriage brimming,
with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you're wrong, admit it;
whenever you're right, shut up!

On to the character assassination!

I have known Dave for 8 years since we started University together. During those 8 years Dave has been a source of great companionship, many enjoyable nights out on the town and occasionally some very high scoring coursework.

During those 8 years he has also been a leading light in terms of fashion. On several occasions he appeared at lectures wearing very tasteful slippers, quite debonair.

Then there are his elegant and understated ties. Many people at the Bank of Scotland where he and I both worked felt moved to remark upon the appropriateness of Winnie the pooh and tigger too in the work place.

Then there are his trousers which despite his best efforts never seem to quite make it past his ankles.

Lastly there is the world famous eyebrow. Any suggestion of lycanthropy is obviously quite ridiculous, although it might explain his predilection for sheep.

In preparation for this speech I checked the etymology of Dave's name. The translation is "Beloved of God", and while I can't speak for the man upstairs I know I speak for many in this room when I say Dave is well loved.

The attributes commonly ascribed to people called David also makes interesting reading.
* Ingenious and Honourable; well he is certainly both of those.
* Handsome, clearly Kim would agree with that else we wouldn't be hear today.
* Alert and Graceful, well lets look at those for a moment.

First there was the occasion when he demonstrated the real meaning of Deja vu. Many years ago, Dave, myself and some others in this room were out celebrating Dave's birthday. Dave, displaying a stunning lack of alertness, walked full speed into a bollard. I have to hand it to him, he did collapse very gracefully, while clutching his groin. Now to do this once might be seen as mischance but to do exactly the same thing, in exactly the same place a year later is surely deja vu in action.

Then there is the subject of being graceful. Well, you'll all have the chance to see for yourselves when he's dragged kicking and screaming onto the dance floor later just how graceful he is. His dancing has been charitably likened to a one-footed penguin dancing on hot coals.

There was also the memorable occasion when he failed to turn up for lectures one day. This caused no little anxiety amongst our friends, which gave way to incredulity when we later learned that we had split his head open while SKIPPING down the stairs in the halls of residence. Ooh, the gracefulness just oozes out.

I would like at this point to share some choice quotes.
* Homer Simpson –
Wedding: the process of removing weeds from a garden
* Rita Rudner –
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* Anonymous –
Definition of a spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it – and some of your spouses too.
Definition of compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it the first time.
Toast

I started preparing this speech several weeks ago and you are all no doubt feeling as if I have been delivering it for as long. If you've enjoyed listening to it as much as I have delivering it then I can only apologise.

All that remains for me to do is to ask you to join me in a few quick toasts.

Firstly to some very important people without whom the day just wouldn't be the same. Ladies and gentlemen:
To the bar staff,
To the families of the happy couple,
And to the new Mr and Mrs ******;
May your wedding night be like a dining room table, all legs and no drawers.