Speech by Alan Hastings

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Hastings
Speech Date: sep 2004
Mr & Mrs Mackay, Ladies & Gentleman.

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids, Hazel & Cheryl I'd like to thank Dave for his kind sentiments, I think everybody agrees that they look fantastic and I must say they have both done a excellent job looking after Margaret. They have certainly helped to make today very special.

Secondly I would just like to say what an honour and a privilege it is to be standing here this evening as Dave & Margaret's Bestman.

When Dave asked me to be his Bestman, naturally I was delighted but I did ask him if he was sure he wanted me?
Looking round at all the great friends that Dave has it really does makes me feel humble to have been asked from among such a group of close friends.

I only hope this toast is a true reflection of my appreciation.

Dave & I have known each other since before we started school.
He used to come up and stay with his Gran, Mrs Greenhorn who stayed 2 or 3 doors away from my mums.
When I was writing this toast I was trying to think of things that happened when we were boys, it was difficult to think of anything relating to Dave without thinking of Mrs Greenhorn, she had a similar way about her to Margaret in that, like Margaret, she would say just what ever was on her mind.
She would have loved margaret and she would have been delighted to see Dave getting married today.
I always thought there was nobody like her.

Dave used to go to his Gran's for lunch on school days, so he & I would walk back & forward to school together.
One day when Dave was just a boy maybe about 5 years old & not long started the school I remember he came out of the class a lunch time crying & awfully upset, there was nothing I could do to get him to tell me what was wrong & nothing I could do would stop him crying.
So when he got to his Grans his mum Vena was there.
Vena says to him what's wrong son your always that happy when you come home from school.

He says mum everybody at the school's laughing at me because of the size of my wee man.
Vena says look son, if it's upsetting you that much, go down to the doctor & see what he can do for you.

So when he came back from the doctor(yes he went by himself, he always has been independent), Vena says to him, well what did he say?
Scott says the doctor said if I to eat plenty of toast for breakfast my wee man will get bigger & I'll have nothing to worry about.
Vena says if that's all you need to do, I'll get started on it first thing in the morning.

Next morning Vena shouts Dave down for breakfast.
When he comes in to the kitchen
He says mum you've toasted a full pan loaf, I'll never eat awe that,
Dinnae you worry son says Vena, the top two slice are for you, the rests
for your faither.

Over the years Dave and I have tried many sports, when we were at school it was play ground football, hide and seek or kiss cuddle or torture then as we got older we moved on to squash in the winter and golf and fishing in the summer, kiss cuddle or torture if we could get anybody to play!!. One time when we were fishing Dave's rod buckled double and after a bit of a struggle he landed a double mattress but Dave being Dave there were two salmon lying on it sleeping. He's always been lucky but I bet he didn't think he'd be lucky enough to land a catch like Margaret.

The last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present.
When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said " I'll have a large whisky "
where as the priest replied " No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet woman "
so the minister put his drink back and said " sorry I didn't know there was a choice. "
NOW I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar after the meal.

As Bestman, Anouska informed me it was my job to make sure that Dave was smart, punctual and sober! Now if there is anybody here that doesn't know Dave very well they might be thinking, that doesn't sound too hard.
You must be kidding!!!
Smart: Well he's polished up ok today but normally he has the dress sense of a clothes horse.
Punctual: has never been on time for anything since I've known him.
An’ Sober!! John, Margaret's father was telling me earlier today he never new Dave took a drink until he seen him sober this morning.
It's fair to say Dave likes his beer on the stag night I watched Dave fish a fly out of his pint glass.
Instead of tossing it away, he held the poor thing over his drink screaming, "spit it out, Spit it out!"

Speaking to Neil & Yan at the stag weekend they told me when he worked with them they used to call him God. I innocently thought that he must have been highly respected at work but seemingly it was because he was rarely seen, holier that thou and if he did any work it was a miracle.

The nick names Lorna & I affectionately call him is the Exorcist every time he visits us all our spirits disappear.

Margaret has a nick name in our house as well, we call her Genie everytime a bottle opens she appears.

I imagine everybody here knows how expensive weddings are these days and how much organising there is to be done.

Dave hasn't spoken to Ann, Margaret's mum since the wedding plans began it's not that they don't get on, he's just to polite to interrupt her.!!

Margaret has been particularly worried about being able to afford her wedding.
Dave gave her a budget of £500.
Now I know most of the men here are thinking that's a bit generous.
But we all know what expensive taste Margaret has & naturally she wanted the best of everything.
So seeing that she was creeping up over the budget
She started to worry what Dave was going to say.
So she decides to ask God for help. She goes in to church and begins to pray.

"God, please help me. Dave has given me £500 of a budget for my wedding & everything is so expensive & I've seen this beautiful wedding dress and the most beautiful Bridesmaids Dresses Hazel & Cheryl would look gorgeous in them. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Margaret goes back to church…………………

"God, please let me win the lottery. The photographer I want is going to cost a fortune & I'm worried what Dave is going to say when he sees I've bought that beautiful wedding dress………..… & the bridesmaids dresses.

Lottery night comes and Margaret still has no luck!!

Back to church………………

"God, why have you forsaken me?? Dave going to go daft when he finds out how much I've spent. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lottery this one time so I can put all the money back in to the joint account & Dave will never know???"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Margaret is confronted by the voice of GOD himself.

"MARGARET, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE – BUY A TICKET."

You'll all of you be familiar with Margaret many virtues. Her quick mind, her sunny disposition, her great love for dumb animals… No special prizes for guessing the main beneficiary of that last one.

Dave used to think Sugar Diabetes was a Welsh fly weight!

He also thought ping pong balls were a medical complaint!!!

Before Margaret, Dave had one or two girlfriends.
But Margaret managed to keep them at bay… well in all honesty I wouldn't say at BAY a couple of them were so big, that they had to be docked at Rosyth.
As Best man I have an opportunity to offer some advice to the happy couple.

Incidentally, for those who don't know, I'm not actually married myself. I just look like this because I've been ill recently.

Dave, for your part, you need to guard against complacency.
Keep a look out for those little tell-tale signs of trouble in your relationship… Like if you see the milkman wearing your socks…

Margaret.… Remember that men are like tiled floors.… Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years!”

And when finally, one day, when you hear the pitter-patter of tiny Mackay feet – Margaret, please do me a favour and let Dave know that all new born babies are wrinkled… And tell him before he tries to iron the wee soul.

Dave, it has truly been an honour to stand next to you today as your Bestman. I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for affording me the privilege.…
It has been my pleasure.
I'd like to wish you and Margaret both a long and happy life together.

Ladies & Gentleman would you please be upstanding and join with me in a toast to the bride and groom.

The Bride & Groom!

Before my duties are ended and I make myself more acquainted with the Bar staff, I'd like to take this opportunity to read some cards out from friends and family who couldn't make it today.

Dear Dave – From all of us at Madame Wiplash's Spanking Emporium – we hope you have a great day – P.S. we have received your annual renewal subscription cheque – with thanks.

From all the Lads from the Scheveningen Beach Football Team
We found Dave to be useless in every position – I hope you have more luck tonight Margaret …….congratulations.