Speech by Alan McClenaghan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan McClenaghan
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, children, and members of the jury
Welcome along to what, I'm sure you'll agree, has been a fantastic wedding
celebration so far. Of course, you may not be quite so sure of that after
being subjected to me wittering on for a few minutes. In any case, my
advice is to keep right on drinking!

I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Bride and Groom
for being here to sharing their special day.
Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my day less nerve
wracking.

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Alan WouldyoulikeaMiller,
and if you call out my full name out in the bar later on when you see me,
I'd be extremly grateful.

First of all on behalf of the Bridesmaid, I'd like to thank Billy for his
kind words and I think everybody will agree that Eileen looks gorgeous and
has done a great job in helping to make today a special event.

Well, they say a best man's speech should last about as long as it takes
him to perform his manly duties in bed…….but as we haven't got all
night I'll be brief.

I'm sure that everyone will agree with me that Isobel looks stunning and
Isobel, I hope you have enjoyed the day so far?

I would like to take this time to ask Billy and Isobel to participate in
this speech.
Isobel, if I could ask you to place your hand flat on the table.
Billy, can you place your hand directly on top of Isobels?
Now Billy, I hope you are enjoying that, seeing as how it's the last time
you'll ever have the upper hand!!

During my research for this role, I looked into the 3 key elements of a
wedding day and they are as follows;
The Aisle – the longest walk you'll ever take
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Isobel has also read this book because, when she took her place at
the altar beside Billy today, I could swear I heard her muttering "Aisle
Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn"

When the rings were exchanged I thought at that moment, there are in fact 3
rings in every marriage:

The engagement ring
The wedding ring
And the suffer-ing

Billy asked me to be his best man a while ago now and when he did he gave
me a book on weddings and in it I found a description of the duties the
best man was expected to perform and also some very important tasks and
this one is my personal favourite.

" The Key is to find a best man who is resourceful, energetic and
diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems"

As you can see by his choice, Billy is obviously an appalling judge of
character.
Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his.

Some may think that Isobel actually felt that Billy was more to be pitied
than scorned when she met him on a blind date, after all,for many, many
years, he has been a Dumbarton (and Tottenham) fan (What was the scoreline
in Dumbartons first game again Billy? I'm told you were there) Anyway, it
seems to be the consensus that all Dumbarton fans should be pitied
(And I have to agree here as I too am one of the faithful few)
The truth is that Isobel really fell for his good looks, style, charm and
brilliant wit.
There you go Billy, I got all 4 in and that's £50 you owe me.

Billy has also been involved in the Dumbarton festival for several years
now and I have seen him Staggering, OOPS Sorry, that should have read
Swaggering, through the town in his kilt at the head of the parade.
Night-time would usually find him lurching his way up to the bar at the
ceilidh and ordering a double whisky and announcing to everyone loudly,
"First today!!"

As everyone is aware, Billy is a bit of a booler, well, at least that's
what he claims, and bearing this in mind, I am sure that we all hope for
Isobel's sake that he is never too heavy, never short or tight and that he
is always up when required.

Billy is also a well travelled person (You can tell that just by looking at
him). His passport tells us that he has been to exotic locations such as
Greece, Coatbridge and Cowdenbeath amongst others.

To take a more serious tone now if I may. I have known Billy for some
years now and I think that every one must agree that he is an exceptional
individual, he always makes time to speak to people, he listens to
problems willingly, he's quick witted, generous (except when its his round)
and above all, a good mate – that'll be another £50 please Billy. In
summing him up I have to say he is a genuine person who will help you in
anyway he can.

Anyway, I wanted to be able to offer Billy and Isobel some advice on
marriage, however being a single bloke, theres not been much call in my
life so far to talk about love…..… One, two, three
"ahhhhh ?." (milk the audience). But seeing these two together, so happy
and in love, it makes me feel both delighted for them and also green with
envy ? so if there are any single girls out there , touched by my
sensitivity, my telephone number is 0898 007 999 or alternatively I'll be
drowning my sorrows at the bar later.
But I do think about marriage, I think about it quite often ?.. In fact,
it's a way of keeping my mind off sex.

So I've got absolutely no idea, what it feels like to be happily married,
but of course, nor do most husbands here.

Billy will be pleased to learn that a successful marriage can be compared
to a passion of his, no not whisky, but football;
You've got to be fully committed every week and make sure you score every
Saturday, or whatever night you happen to be playing nowadays due to Sky
TV.

The other day I came across this in the dictionary? its the definition of
the word Argument
A discussion that occurs when she's right, but you just haven't realized it
yet.
And remember?Always tell her those 3 little words?.. "You're right, dear"

You'll all be glad to know that I'm coming to a close soon. This is
because of my throat – Isobl's threatened to cut it if I go on too long!

Lastly this is a piece of advice that most of the married men in this room
will all have learnt themselves, the best way to remember your anniversary
Billy, is to forget it just once!!!

TELEGRAMS
Billy and Isobel would like to thank Family and friends who could not
attend today, for their cards, flowers and best wishes.

I now have some telegrams to read out.

1) "My Darling Isobel, we could have been so good together, call me if he
goes of the boil" – luv Robbie Williams xxx

2) To Billy – "I can't help thinking about what could have been, loving you
always" – Tarquin xx

3) And finally? I have a message from the Alex Studio and Apartments suite
where Billy and Isobel will be spending their honeymoon in Rhodes.
"Congratulations to you both on this wonderful day. We very much look
forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do
not worry if there is some delay when you arrive however, we are putting on
something special for you……the roof"!

TOAST
But anyway to round off this speech I would like to say that – Billy, you
have really pulled a blinder in marrying Isobel. You have found someone
loving, funny, smart and caring and a match for you any day of the week.
And Isobel, you have found,………., well you have found Billy.

Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise
your glasses to Billy and Isobel as I am sure everyone here today would
like to wish them both good health, happiness and a wonderful life
together.

TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM

Cheers
Alan

Confucious say – "Foolish man give wife grand piano"