Speech by Alan Mudd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Mudd
Speech Date: Jul2007
INTRODUCTION

Firstly I`d just like to say I'm very nervous about making this speech. This isn't the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

Some of you here already know me, for those of you who don't my name is ‘Alan what-would-you-like-to-drink’. I hope many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.

Before I get into my stride there are a few thanks to all the people who have made today possible:-

The bridesmaids ##### and #### and the maid of honour ####, who all look absolutely radiant, only being outshone by the bride.

The chief usher #####, ####’s parents ##### &amp #####, #####’s Mother #### and Her partner ### and myself. We'd all like to thank ##### and #### for asking us to be involved in their unique and special day.

I know all of them have put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.

Speech Time

Now a few of the guys have put together a book on the length of the speech, kind of like a small sweepstake, so get comfortable as I've had a small bet on myself for 2 hours and 27 minutes.

I've known ##### for over 20 years now, we actually shared a house for the best part of 7 of those. With separate rooms of course, although ##### did once try to convince his Mother, #### that we were actually a little more than friends, I wasn't there, but apparently it was a quite a moment. #### you must be so relieved today!

It is a great honour to be asked to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing a speech. I'm not renowned as a speechwriter or a great orator come to that, so I decided to use that wonderful resource “The Internet” to at least get me started and to make sure I get the etiquette correct.

With a multitude of resources at my fingertips I began searching the web. After a couple of hours searching I'd found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

During my research into the best mans role I also looked into weddings in general and the three key elements of the wedding service itself: –

The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take

The Alter – the place where two become one

The Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think #### must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle…altar…hymn, I'll alter him etc…

‘####’s Habits’

I actually decided that it might be a good idea to ask people what they thought of #####. So I spoke to a couple of his work colleagues and apparently they refer to him as godlike..… he's rarely seen, he's holier than thou, and if he ever does any work, it's a bloody miracle.

I also did a bit of digging have managed to obtain some of ####’s old school reports:- I Quote………

##### was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’.

Oh sorry, Hold on that should read, ##### was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’

Geography
##### is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.

Biology
Whilst ##### is often very enthusiastic, he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.

Religious Education
#####’s understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

On leaving school #####’s teenage years can be defined as several years of drinking, staggering around making a fool of himself, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl….…

I remember very well, back in the days we were still both in our 20’s. Two single guys sharing a place, you can image how often we cleaned. So it was one of those rare occasions that the vacuum cleaner had been taken out of the under stairs cupboard. The shake and Vac was on the carpet and unusually I was doing the hoovering.

The more I vacuumed, the more an appalling smell permeated the room and it was just getting worse and worse, I couldn't work out what is was or where it was coming from. Well after 10 minutes or so of this I've got ##### in to the living room and asked him if He could tell where it was coming from.

It was then that He developed a very sheepish look on his face, and suggested I change the hoover bag. On enquiring what exactly was in it, I was provided the following explanation.

Apparently after a good night out and a little too much Red Wine and a rich hearty Italian meal, ##### had been a little unwell. In his wine induced state, rather than clean everything up in the usual manner….damp cloth, kitchen towel, bowl of water…… ##### decided it would be much easier just vacuum the lot up and deal with it the next day. Unfortunately, when He woke up the next day the contents of the hoover bag wasn't exactly the first thing on his list. ……The smell Shake and Vac stills turns my stomach today!

WORDS OF WISDOM

It's always been a custom that the Best Man offer the happy couple a few words of wisdom.

#####…
Remember that men are like a fine wine…
They start out like grapes…
And it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.

#####…
By coincidence, women too are like a fine wine…
They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind…
And then they turn full bodied with age, and eventually give you a splitting headache!

Advice

Before I finish, I would like to give ##### some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage.

Turn and look at #####&gt

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything ##### says!

Secondly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it
…
Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!” A man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married

They say that the best mans speech is the worst 5 minutes of the grooms day, but fortunately for you ##### it's almost over. Unfortunately, #####, your worst five minutes will probably come later tonight.

Closing

On a serious note for a moment…

#####, we've had some excellent times together over the years, and I know we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a good friend to me and it really is a great honour to be your Best Man today.

You have three wonderful kids and it was only a few weeks ago ##### asked me if I was Her Uncle, nothing to do with wanting to see me any more, more to do with the fact I have a one year old Cocker Spaniel called Dave who she wants me to bring over more often.

There were two very special people who couldn't be with us today, #####’s father ##### &amp ####’s brother Charlie, both of whom were taken from us far too young, I have no doubt that both of them would be extremely proud today could they have been here to witness your happy day.

I wish you and #### and your entire family every happiness for the future…

TOAST

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, could I ask you to stand with me, and raise your glasses in a toast to ##### and ####, the new Mr &amp Mrs ######.
We wish you well for the future.
To ##### and ####.