Speech by Alan Pearson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Pearson
Speech Date: sep 2003
Ladies and Gentlemen:

For those of you who do not have the pleasure of knowing me, I am D's brother, A, and to-day I am his best man.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids L and S I would like to thank D for his kind words and I think you will agree that the both did a fantastic job and both look beautiful today. So I think a round of applause for the bridesmaids is in order…

I'd also like to thank R and S for doing great jobs as flower girl and paige boy. And of course B for being a great Usher.

I also like to compliment E the bride, on how amazing she looks today and I suppose D didn't scrub up too badly either. Mind you, getting a suit for D was a bit of a problem as the shop didn't have a pair of trousers that could hold a battery drill or a tool belt that would match our jackets.

When D asked me to be best man I was thrilled. The job of best man has been compared to making love to Charlie Haughey. Yes it would be a great honour but at the end of the day no-one really would volunteer to do it.

The bit I have been dreading the most about the job is this speech. So, I did exactly what any student does and I bought a book and surfed the internet for hints. As it turned out though the book was next to useless and I found far more interesting things to look at on the internet….So eventually I just had to get out a pen and paper and start writing.

Firstly D was born in 26th July 1976 so I tired to find out some interesting things that were happening that day but as it turns out absolutely nothing of interest happened not only on that day but in the whole month of July of that year so that was out the window. The same for today's date nothing of interest so its becoming clear to me that all these years D has been right the world does revolve around him.… So when I looked at E's birthday and found out that on the day of her birth the top selling singles were We are family, Hot stuff and Love you Inside Out so hopefully this bodes well for the future of the marriage.

I also talked to lots of people who know D and asked them what they thought of him and they all said the things we already know about him he's good craic, generous hardworking, a good friend, and a great dad, which is obvious to anyone who has seen him with R and L. In fact only two people said anything negative and they describe him as stubborn, grumpy, lazy and untidy which I thought was a bit unfair, but then, if anyone knows D well it should be his own parents…

D has always been a bit of a show off. It began when he was one. I know you might not believe it to look at him now but he won a bonny baby contest. When he was a bit older D was still showing off this time it was trying to impress some girls by doing some tricks on his BMX. But unfortunately for him the only thing that impressed them was the speed at which he was taken to hospital with a broken collar bone.

At school, you were more likely to find D on the hurling pitch then in class, and to this day its still a game D loves to play. In fact the wedding rehearsal was cut short so wee could all go to D's championship match. I spoke to some of D's current club mates about D and they said that he was terrible in every single position he tried. So hopefully E has a bit more luck with him then they did…

At school D also took a keen interest in wood work which is partly how D ended up becoming a carpenter. Mind you this was a bit of a surprise to his parents as Mam and Dad thought he was going to be a plumber as when he was young he used a hack saw to cut through some of the hot water pipes in the house with some bad results. But, D loves being a carpenter and to this day he still likes nothing better than to be left alone playing with his tool.

I also thought I would tell you about the first time D brought me to a nightclub. He thought my clothes were not suitable so he lent me some of his including a pair of boots., Now D has smaller feet than me and you know what they say about men with small feet don't you ?…..… Yes that's right, small shoes. So by the end of the night my feet were pretty sore so on the walk home I took the boots off. However, after a few minutes it started to rain and I went to put the boots back on but D stopped me and confiscated the boots. He told me I was not putting my dirty socks in his boots and made me walk the rest of the way home in the rain with no shoes on..…

E on the other hand is a much more charitable person. When she was a teenager she used to volunteer for the 24 fast each year and go to Ballyporeen to spend the night in the parochial hall with the other lads and girls taking part. But I have been reliably informed that what E doesn't know is just exactly how much money she raised on one particular night. You see, lads were all gambling on who could guess the size of her chest. Apparently the result of the bet was decided by a quick rummage through her overnight bag when she was asleep.

Anyway I better move swiftly along because of my throat, E looks like she is about to cut it.…

Now I will read out a few cards addressed to the happy couple.

Dear E. Why didn't you pick me, we would have been great together..… That one is from a Mr Colin Farrel.…

Dear D. I will miss those passionate nights with you, please come back all is forgiven…… Signed Graham Norton.…

In conclusion, I would like to say to D that it has always been great having you as a brother and today it has been a special honour to be your best man. To E, I would like to welcome her a my new sister-in-law and hope that she enjoys being part of the family as much as I do.

And so on behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank you all for helping them celebrate this very special day in their lives, I would like to thank the staff for their assistance and everybody else that helped make this day a success.

As we approach the end of my speech which and just before the final toast. I would like use the words of Billy Connolly and Thank you all for making a happy man feel very old and say to you that If you have enjoyed listening to this speech half as much as I enjoyed delivering it then I will have enjoyed myself twice as much as you and for that I apologise.

Now. It gives me great pleasure and indeed a fair share of relief to invite you all to be upstanding and join me in toasting D and E, the new Mr. & Mrs. P. I hope there marriage is a happy one, I hope they live as long as they like and have all they like for as long as they live.

Ladies and Gentlemen. The Bride and Groom……….…