Speech by Alan Preece

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Preece
Speech Date: Sep 1999
Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, boys and girl's, my name is Alan "would you like another drink?" so please, don't be afraid to come and say hello to me this afternoon, and it is my honour to be best man today.

I'm only going to speak for a couple minutes because of my throat…if I go on too long Yvonne said she'd cut it!

For those of you here today who have been best man before you will have some sort of idea of what it feels like being up here, but for those of you who have not, I think the best way to describe it is rather like being asked to make love to the queen mother on her birthday…It's a great honour, but it is not a day you really look forward to!

Having said that, I feel I have succeeded in my first duties, which were to get mark to the church: –

Firstly, on time……a rarity Secondly, sober…….unusual Thirdly, smart… Never seen and Lastly, married…I'll let you decide about that one.

Before I forget I must thank the bridesmaid, Alison, for looking so beautiful and doing her duties so well, which has helped to make it a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding, even the cake is in tears!

I remember talking to Yvonne when we were first introduced, and she told me the first time she laid eyes on mark she thought he was handsome from afar, but today she told me she now thought he looked far from handsome.

We can all see for ourselves how gorgeous Yvonne looks today, which proves the one thing I've always known about mark, … that he is definitely a man of vision… often blurred, sometimes double, but nonetheless a man of vision and lucky enough to have found a beauty.

It would be fair to say there are 4 loves in marks life: – Yvonne, footy, beer and food, although not necessarily in that order, after all his idea of a balanced diet is a bigmac in either hand, and when asked about coq-au-vin he thought it meant sex in a lorry.

Also mark was telling me he intended to love and nurture his marriage the same way he does with his beloved football. He says he's going in fully committed, plans to score every week change ends at half time and play half the season away from home! which Yvonne reckons is a surefire way of getting a serious groin injury.

Normally, at this point of the proceedings, I would have to tell you all a story about mark designed to humiliate him. unfortunately, every story I know about mark is X-rated, so therefore unsuitable for a family wedding.

So instead I thought it would be an idea to seek some advice from the married gentlemen I know, which mark could use to keep his marriage running smoothly. All contributors will remain anonymous for my safety as well as their own. As I received so many bits of advice I thought I would split them into 2 categories: – general and the wedding night.

Firstly a few things Yvonne won't want to hear tonight

But everyone looks funny naked You woke me for that! Did I not mention the video camera Pass me the remote control On second thoughts, lets turn the lights off And to think, I was really after your friend, and finally You look younger than you feel And now for the little pearls of wisdom designed to keep the marriage ticking over

Remember marriage is more than an 8-letter word, it's a sentence, you get less for murder.

You may have exchanged rings today but there are more than 2 rings in a relationship, there is suffering enduring and torturing

The wedding will have been expensive, you'll still be paying on your deathbed

If you buy her flowers, she knows your guilty, but she'll remember to the second the last time you bought her any, and finally

Never forget those 3 magic words… you're right dear Anyway, we might ask ourselves what Yvonne sees in Mark, but they do say love is blind, well marriage is definitely an eye opener.

So I'd just like to say to Mark you're a very lucky guy marrying Yvonne, she deserves a good husband, but unfortunately you got to her before she had a chance to find one.

And finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day, and, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand, and raise your glasses in a toast to Mark and Yvonne, because I feel they were made for each other.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the bride and grooms future happiness.

Just one more thing before I go and get a much needed drink, I have a message from the lads at football we've found Mark to be useless in every position, hope Yvonne has more luck!

Okay, that's all from me, so have a great day everyone, bye.