Speech by Alan Stern

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alan Stern
Speech Date: Jun2006
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Before I get going, I have a very important announcement. This speech is meant for purely embarrassment purposes only. Any descriptions or references to persons present, who might in anyway be related… is purely coincidental. The speech giver is not responsible for any direct, indirect or incidental damages resulting from inaccurate recollections of events or conversations, past, present, or even perhaps in the future, and no refunds will be given.… And children, do not try this at home!

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Bob's big brother, …and I'm afraid that this going to have to be a very short speech (croaking), mainly because of my throat.. If I go on more than 5 minutes, Bob's father in law has threatened to cut it! No – seriously, he has! I mean, he's given me strict instructions to spend no more than 5 minutes humiliating his new son in law. I guess he reckons that's all Bob can take or perhaps its because he's worried it'll muck up the precision timing for this event, which, I must admit has gone remarkably well….so far….?

Now I do have to admit to a little un-characteristic nervousness this evening. That's because the last time I had stood up in front of a room full of people.… I was found guilty and fined £200…but I don't want to talk about that now…

Although it is traditional for best men to devote most of their speech to ridiculing the groom mercilessly, those of you who know me, will be aware just how hard it would be for me to reveal every embarrassing thing I know about Bob…but, because you've all made such an effort to come to today, I going to give it my best shot…..so, are you sitting comfortably…good, then lets begin..

FORNICATION!….Sorry, Bob, I can't read your writing, …Oh…FOR AN OCCASION such as this I thought it prudent as the best man, to consult with with the vicar, because, with Jane coming from a slightly more devout family, than eitherr Bob and myself, I wanted to get his opinion, on..… SEX…..before marriage. And he said it was fine..… as long as it didn't delay the service past 4.15!!! and with Jane spending so long, with her hairdresser, I don't think there was even time for a quicky!

But back to the groom, …understandably he's been a bit worried about the whole marriage thing, so as a married man of nearly 20 years myself, I took him aside and said, “Bob.… You'll look back on today as the happiest day of your life”.
.… Actually, I said this to him yesterday!!

Now we all know what a multi-talented chap he is, Actor, singer, pianist, drummer and racketeer.. sorry raconteur, but he also does amazing impressions….… eats like a pig and drinks like a fish! , No, actually, I'm only kidding, he really eats like a mouse really…and he's only been drinking heavily, since the wedding plans were announced! But the fact he's here today, just proves that he really is a man of vision…… now, quite blurred, often double!

To be serious, you don't want to hear about all his current little vices, as they are plain for all to see. No, you want to hear about his secret past …and how he came to be where he is today.… Bob, you do realize where you are today?

So I want to take you all back in time ….back to 1967….Now of course I've known Bob from a very early age. But my first graphic memory was of Bob urinating in public…so, not much has changed I hear you say,..… but it was his first nappy change, so I think he can be forgiven on this occasion.

Actually, it was the most amazing..… golden arch I had ever seen, and believe me, I should know as I've taken part in quite a few “how high can you pee up the wall” competitions, in my time….hmmm, I don't seem to win many now…..but we won't go there

Now because my big sis Sally wouldn't even kick a ball with me, I was desperate for Bob to get up and walking so he could start playing with me….y'know….footy, tennis, rugger….fetch… the simple brotherly activities..…

In fact the first time I kicked a ball at him…he didn't header it as he was supposed to, he kinda just stood there and took full in the face…..don't look so worried Mum, he was OK.… after a bit of CPR,.… but as far as playing football was concerned, he tried it once, didn't really like it…and never did it again.

And that's a sort of theme that's dogged him thru the rest of his life…, he's been a kinda “try it once” type of kid.

But I was undeterred, and reckoned even if he couldn't do anything on two legs or with balls, how about 2 wheels….y'know, me on my chopper, him with his little step thru, with basket and …stabilizers. Trouble was he just couldn't keep up, so I waited till Mum and Dad had gone off shopping one day, and I removed his stabilizers!! Now, he could keep up.… and luckily, our next door neighbour was avai;able to rush him to A&E, before Mum and Dad got home… and honestly, the scars really have faded over the years…..you can hardly see them now. So that was cycling ….tried it once…didn't really like it…never did it again!

So what could we do that didn't involve running, ball control or 2 wheels? A-hah! Lets try swimming I thought, but Bob is one of those rare individuals who are actually.. denser than water…And for months, I took him to the local pool for lessons, and finally he succeeded in gaining a certificate …10 yards underwater doggy paddle… at least he'd tried it, but yes, you guessed it, he really didn't like it and hasn't been swimming since. It had nothing to do with his education, even though he was a bit slow off the mark..… I mean, at nursery school Bob was just different from all the other 5 year olds.. well for a start, he was 11.

So, the years went by I started to get a bit desperate, was there anything we could do together that didn't involve running, kicking, ball control, 2 wheels or water….? Something where we could stand still and just let gravity take over…and then I had one of those Eureka moments and dragged him off to Andorra for a bit of skiing. But to Bob, this was absolute purgatory. It was too cold, too hilly and there was snow everywhere! But he did try it… once… didn't like it….and never did it again.

So where does this leave us in the sorry saga of the “try it once” kid …well actually, it leaves us with his biggest challenge of all…women.

I was always sure the right girl for Bob was just round the corner.. unfortunately… the police kept moving her on.

But I was starting to get seriously concerned about his.… love life. Not so much that by his mid 30’s, he still didn't have one, but more, that if he did try it, and didn't like it….well I think you can probably guess where I'm going with this…

Of course, I was worrying for nothing coz along came Jane…… And to her credit, Jane has taken this shy young man, and turned him into one of..… complete subservience..… so at least he takes after his brother is some respects.

But if they only end up having just the one child…well, I guess you'll know why.

And it certainly won't be because they've got nowhere to live. Coz I'm sure you've all heard about their recent acquisition of a future marital home. Well when I say home, its more like a massive DIY project. But that's OK, at least it means that married life for them will be starting off with a lot of banging and screwing!

Now, before I completely outstay my, I'd just like to proffer some brotherly advice:

Now Bob, it's very important to get on with your mother-in-law. I can tell you from personal experience, coz, I didn't actually speak to my mother-in-law for nearly two years after marrying Suzie. It wasn't because I didn't like her. It's just I thought it rude to interrupt….so don't fall into that trap.

Now, in a minute, Bob will be making his reply and, I just wanted to let him know… Bob, whatever your feelings are towards me right now, just remember, you don't really have to say anything….but it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later come to rely on in the divorce court. And of course, anything you do say may be given, by Jane, in evidence."

So, ladies and Gentlemen, Please be upstanding, raise you glasses, the toast is….the Bride and Groom…..JANE & BOB!!