Speech by Alastair

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alastair
Speech Date: Jan 2002

Ladies and gentlemen, may I thank you for attending this wonderful occasion on Matthew and Caroline’s wedding day. Can I also congratulate the bridesmaids on looking so nice and for doing a great job in making sure that Caroline went against her better judgement and didn’t change her mind. Thanks also to the ushers; friends and families who have all helped this day run so smoothly. I’d especially like to thank the vicar and congratulate him on what was a very impressive organ.

For those of you who don’t know me my name’s Alastair but you can call me AL, and I’m up here to say a few words about Matthew and how we all came to be sitting here today. As you may know we have just returned from a stag weekend in Sheffield which was enjoyed by everyone. As promised in accordance with the rule of the stag any photographic evidence of the weekend has been destroyed….well except for one photograph which might be of interest (hand round blank photo with “this is a joke, please do an evil laugh and point at the photo” written on it)

Starting from the beginning, Matthew was born on a significant year in history, 1976 I believe. A year which not only saw the invention of first the advanced Microchip, but also had the hottest summer on record, which apparently significantly reduced the IQ of all children born that year. Any historic achievements bestowed onto mankind were to have no effect on Matt, whose crowning academic achievement was to star as Bert the Chimneysweep in a school production of Mary Poppins.

I first encountered Matthew at Middle School. Our early exchanges were memorable, something along the lines of “do you wanna play football?”, “yeah alright then.” From there our relationship understandably flourished.

Matt’s success in the classroom was only matched by his contribution on the sports field. He excelled at many sports, however the long jump was not one of them. A particular event that sticks out in my mind was when he was given detention for running through the sand-pit, not once but 3 times because he couldn’t master the concept of jumping off the board, much to our sadistic PE teacher’s despair.

One of the more emotional moments in Matt’s early years was when he found himself to be a victim of the infamous Bromham Bike Thief, a kind of modern day equivalent of the phantom raspberry blower of old London Town. When Matt’s Dad, Dave, came to pick him up after a game of football, he found that Matthew was on the brink of tears, complaining that his bike had been stolen. They searched the playing fields for what seemed like hours and the bike was definitely gone. Dave decided that the best course of action was to call the police and let the appropriate authorities deal with this. It was then that he realised the truth and said; “But Matthew, I gave you a lift down here this morning.”

Another occasion which I remember well was when Matt decided to come hiking with a group of us when he was suffering from a minor handicap as a result of falling over whilst having a snowball fight.

The fact that he was on crutches whilst walking through dense woodland in Bromham did not seem to deter him when others may well have seen sense. However, he was a bit more deterred when we realised that not only were we lost on a particularly cold and dark night but also we could hear sounded like a pack of rabid dogs chasing after us. I’ve never seen anyone move so fast on crutches since my dear Grandmother kindly found my missing roller-skate at the top of our stairs, it was like a scene out of the Blair Witch Project but without the dodgy camera work.

Attending University was definitely a good decision on Matt’s part, returning was a questionable one. Although I know that his first year was perhaps not the crazy rock and roll lifestyle he had hoped for. However, the remaining years were much improved when he moved in with some more interesting housemates who shared his interests of excessive drinking and being sick a lot.

However, if it wasn’t generosity that Matt was to learn at Uni., It was there that his taste for the finer things in life developed. He returned with a refined taste for beer and kebabs, all-important attributes in a fully rounded human being.

These qualities were to stand him in good stead when wooing Caroline.

Their romance began whilst working together at Yates wine lodge, if you don’t know it, its kind of like Stringfellow’s but without the Footballers and Page 3 girls. With Matt taking on the role of Peter but without the dodgy haircut.

Matt’s time working there seemed to be divided between stealing barrels of beer from the cellar and as he liked to boast about, working as a bouncer. I think it was more a case of standing behind them whilst they beat up the hapless drunks and shouting “and let that be a lesson to you”, from relative safety. But when he received a paper cut in a particularly vicious encounter with an angry customer arguing over money, he knew that his days as a doorman were over.

However, this void in his life was soon filled by the lovely Caroline, who had apparently admired him from afar. She didn’t wear her glasses much in those days. They got together on a particularly drunken night in Bedford which I had the dubious pleasure to witness, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Now we all know that moving away from home can be a shock to the system, and the creature comforts we usually get can often be kissed goodbye. I know Matthew is already preparing himself for the shock of not getting his advent calendar with chocolate in every year.

And you do know Matt that those little packets of coloured rubbery things with different flavours will no longer be necessary now that you’re married don’t you? Here you are mate, have some jelly tots, just like your Nan used to give you..

Now, and I never thought I’d do this in this speech but I’d like to quote Freud by saying “The great question is, what does a woman want?”

Well, its quite clear from Caroline’s point of view that women want a football playing, injury prone, chimney sweep who won’t share his Playstation, looks like Peter Stringfellow and can’t do the long jump to save his life.

I’m sure you’ll agree they make a perfect couple. Caroline brings to the relationship beauty, integrity, honesty, reliability and intelligence, while Mathew brings.… erm… erm (check notes), ah, Mathew brings his used beer mat collection and a wrinkly old copy of Girlie World.

In all seriousness though I know that Matthew and Caroline make a great couple and that in Matt Caroline will find a brilliant bloke who has been a great friend to me over the years, and someone who I’m sure will make a fantastic husband. Best of luck.

Final Toast
Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today. And would you all please remain standing, and joining me in a toast to the happy couple.