Speech by Albie Attias

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Albie Attias
Speech Date: oct 2004
Mr Chairman, Rabbonim, Host & Hostess, R***** & M******, E*** & S****, Your Majesty King of Sweden, Ladies & Gentlemen.

Put down your bifocals Betty, you're not seeing double – there really are two best men. Basically Rent A Friend have a special on at the moment, 2 for the price of 1 so rest assured this speech will be twice as funny with double the ritual humiliation.

Well what can I say about E***? A prize winning scholar, a gentleman through and through and a bit of a heart throb with the ladies. Of course if I were to say these things about E***, I'd just be making it up but E*** does have some outstanding qualities of character which have earned him the respect of so many of us gathered here today.

I first met E*** in the school playground 18 years ago. I asked him to pass the ball….and I'm still waiting! Actually we still play football every week. I play left back, Jon plays right back and E*** is the drawback.

E*** and I hit it off pretty much straight away. We both had the same things in common. We both to and fro'd from Israel at the same times, we both had a younger brother of the same age, our mum's worked in the same office block in Israel at the same time without knowing one another and our parents actually got married on the same day.

E***’s school years were distinctly free of controversy. He fast became a grade A student and by the fifth year he'd made prefect and took great pleasure in booting out as many fresh faced first years as possible each lunch time. E*** left school with an impressive collection of grade A GCSEs and, like me, decided to further his career at a sixth form Grammar school rather than a normal college. We both chose Bury Grammar. It was an all boys school but it had no effect on us, did it darling?

It was during his college days that E*** passed his driving test. Unlike most of us, E*** graduated from the Stevie Wonder school of motoring and a car journey with him almost always rivalled the best ride Alton Towers could offer. Road markings were there as loose guidelines and give way lines were merely a suggestion. Never was this better demonstrated than the time we were coming back from Steven Charles snooker club one night.

We were driving down Derby street towards Cheetham Hill road when to our horror, rather than brake E*** ploughed straight on to the main road. To make matters worse, realising what he should have done, E*** then proceeded to perform a text book emergency stop slap bang in the middle of the road. You can picture the look of sheer terror on our faces as a ten tonne lorry bore down on us. I can't repeat what Jon and I screamed out instinctively as this is a family show but luckily E*** regained his senses in the nick of time and accelerated to safety. Stevie Wonder would have been proud…

Speaking of driving, E*** has always had a keen sense of direction. Rather than admit to being clueless E*** likes people to believe he is in fact a walking A-Z. If he's going into town for example he'll phone up and say something like “in your opinion, what's the best way to Deansgate?”

I must tell you though ladies and gents (pause, raise glass) your majesty that most E*** car stories have a happy ending. I remember the time E*** tried to rob an innocent cat of one of its nine lives by driving head on into it as it tried to cross the road. Amazingly the cat simply bounced off the bumper leaving E*** with several hundred pounds worth of damage. Being the good friend that I clearly am I reversed my company car into it several times a few weeks later and filed an insurance claim.

It was at Bury that E*** first showed his potential as a chemist.

Picture the scene ladies and gents. We're about to begin an important chemistry experiment, there's lot's of glassware carefully assembled all held together by small plastic clips. Our teacher went to great lengths to tell us how expensive these clips were and how we should take great care to protect them. Clearly E*** saw this as a unique challenge and amazed us all with the number of different ways he found to destroy these precious pieces of equipment. One he snapped cleanly in two, one was melted under a Bunsen burner, one was flushed down the sink and one simply vanished into thin air. Rest assured that E***’s handling skills have improved greatly over the years and I'm told he has a sign in each of his shops saying “We dispense with accuracy!”.

I finally got rid of E*** when we both went our separate ways for university. I stayed put and E*** headed north for Sunderland. Keen to establish himself on the social scene he headed out for a drink in one of the local pubs on his first night in town. He couldn't believe how friendly the locals were – after only a few minutes a group of guys had made their way over and one of them had even bought him a pint. Halfway through his pint E*** had the chance to fully take in his surroundings and realised that there wasn't a single female in sight. Yes, you guessed it – E*** had stumbled into the only gay pub in town.

And speaking of men, it was at Sunderland that E*** first fell in love with Jack – Jack Daniels.

In true WWF style, the time has come for me to exit the ring and tag Jon in to finish him off but before I go I'd just like to say that E*** you are one hellova lucky man! You married S**** today and she is smart, funny, loving, considerate, self confident, caring JEE*** the list just goes on. She really deserves a good husband. Thank god she married you before she found one!

But all joking aside, E*** – we've been through so much together over the years that I don't really think of you as a friend, I see you more as a brother. You are an excellent companion and it has truly been an honour being your Bestman. I look forward to sharing many happy times with you both for years to come.

And now, without further ado please put your hands together for Jon Newman.