Speech by Aled Haynes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Aled Haynes
Speech Date: Oct2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all very much for coming here today and helping make John and Hannah Owens wedding such a special occasion.

Mind you, I wish you'd all stayed at home, (cos I'm cacking myself up here!) to make my job a lot less nerve-racking.

On behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank John for his kind words, but considering one is his sister and the other is now his sister-in-law I think he was probably told what to say! But seriously they do look gorgeous and have done a great job, along with poor little Thomas who looks very smart… even if he would rather have been wearing his Man U top.

Before we go any further I think it's my job to stop the vicious rumour that's been going around today that John & Hannah had to get married. According to John it's a complete lie because he thinks they could have waited at least another fortnight.

However, I do hope Hannah is expecting a little one, otherwise she's going to be very disappointed tonight!

I've known John most of my life been his little cousin and it's an honour to be his best man. I knew he wasn't the keenest in school but I didn't realise he wasn't the brightest cookie until Aunty Gwyneth showed me his old school report the other night, here are some examples from it.

Geography

John is the only 1 in the class that thinks Ellesmere port is a fine table wine.

Biol
While John is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.

RE
Johns understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Tech Drawing

John has always been a willing student but will always have trouble distinguishing between Inches & millimetres.

Now as some of you know John was also a keen member of Llanfair Y.F.C. He held various positions in the club, such as Treasurer, Secretary and Chairman, and also enjoyed stock judging and Sports where he still holds the record in Llanfair for the longest jump. 1hr and 23 mins!!! A record to be proud of I'd say!

When we were on the stag do Andrew was explaining to me a game he likes to play with Margaret so I thought John would be interested in the rules of Bedroom Golf

The rules of bedroom golf

1.. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

2.. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.

4.. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

5.. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

6.. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

7.. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

8.. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

9.. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case.

11.. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

12.. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission
before attempting to play the backside.

13.. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

14.. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.

I had a word with Alan on Wed night after we went for a bit of a practice, & I asked him had he got any tips for me to give John on his big day.

This is what he had to say

Never go to bed angry—always stay up and fight

Best way to remember Hannah's birthday – forget it once

Your last words should always be Yes Dear

In a woman's dictionary an argument is defined as a discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realised yet,

And finally you should always help with the cleaning… pick your feet up when she's hovering.

You'll be pleased to know John always drives very carefully, but when I stayed at the Frochas last night I spotted his driving licence on the table and noticed he had penalty points on it. So being a caring best man I thought I'd better ask him what he'd done. Apparently, he'd been for a nice drive in the car with Hannah one night and as they got back to Bishops Castle Hannah started to feel a bit frisky. One thing led to another, as it does, but a policeman came along and booked him for doing 69 in a 30!!

So John and Hannah, you've finally got married for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate really cos John you couldn't do any better and Hannah you couldn't do any worse.

As I finish I would just like to say what a great couple they make and to say to John and Hannah, live life to the fullest – remember this is the first day of the rest of your life's. So could you all please be upstanding with me as we propose a toast to John and Hannah.