Speech by Alex Fleming

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alex Fleming
Speech Date: Oct2006
Fornication! Such as this I am led to believe that the best man's speech should last no longer than the groom spends making love. Thank you and goodnight.

Good evening ladies, gentlemen, reverend fathers, for those of you that have not yet had the pleasure, my name is Alex and I feel it is important to say that Stephen has finally conceded that I am indeed the best man.

Well Stephen, I hope you made the most of your speech.. now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaid, I'd like to thank Stephen for his kind words. I think everybody will agree that the bridesmaid looks absolutely gorgeous and Angie, can I just say you look stunning. Stephen you look stunned.

You can't deny it's been an emotional day though.. even the cake's in tiers.

Now this is only going to be a short speech because of my throat.. If I go on too long Angie's threatened to cut it!

I would like to welcome you all to the Brig'o doon, pretty apt as it appears as often as Stephen's wallet. That is unfair. As are his nickname's, Genie, whenever you open a bottle he appears. The exorcist, whenever he is about your spirits disappear.

I understand that it is the duty of the best man to make up embarrassing stories about the groom. I can assure you that this is not my intention. Everything I am going to say is true.

I have conducted some inquiries into interesting events that happened in 1979, the year Stephen was born. The first official British nudist beach was opened in Brighton, Margaret Thatcher became Britain's first female prime minister, Punk rocker Sid Vicious found dead in New York, Mother Teresa won Nobel Peace Prize and Yorkhill Hospital still remember Stephen's entry to the world as monkey birth Tuesday.

You know, Teresa didn't get morning sickness until after Stephen was born.

Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Stephen was not a pretty baby. In fact, he was the only baby in Glasgow to have shutters on his pram.

He was also a slow starter. At nursery Stephen was different from all the other 5 year olds.. He was 11.

By the time he was 14, his parents were getting very concerned about his performance at school – He wasn't falling behind, he was getting lapped.

Friends used ask Teresa and John what they thought Stephen would be when he left school.. The usual reply was &quot Oh, about 35.

Despite early setbacks Stephen managed to get to university and not content with one degree, he has gone on to pursue a career in law. One way or another angie you are always going to get screwed….anyway where was I.

As most of you know Stephen has an encyclopaedic knowledge of music, in fact he was one described as outstanding in his field. Granted that remark did come from Farmer John Mackenzie when Stephen was working part-time as a scarecrow but that's another story.

He also fancies himself as a bit of a singer. I would say that Stephen sings with feeling. But if he had any feeling, he wouldn't sing at all.

Stephen started his musical career in a three-piece band. And six years later they still only know the same three pieces.

Another of Stephen's hobbies is drinking, Yes, if you didn't already know it Stephen likes the odd shandy or 2.
In fact, and most of you probably don't know this, but Stephen is actually a talented amateur magician! He can be walking down a street, and just turn into a pub!
To be fair though he has made an honest attempt to cut back on his drinking to get into shape for today. Personally I think he's succeeded. Round is a shape.
However, it was one night when Stephen was out drinking with his friends that he met the love of his life, Angie. It wasn't all plain sailing at the beginning though.

Stephen came to me one day in a terrible state. He thought he had blown it. Apparently he had been walking Angie home each night, giving her a soft kiss on the lips and saying &quotgood night my sweet azalea&quot. Everything had been going perfectly until Angie looked up the qualities of the flower, rotten in a bed but good against a wall.

It was just around about this time that it became apparent Angie's only concern was Stephen's happiness, indeed she hired a private detective to find the cause.

You know, Angie tells me the first time she set eyes on Stephen, she thought he was handsome from afar.. Now she just thinks he's far from handsome!
Nevertheless, she fell for his boyish charms, and actually discovered that they share the same sense of humour.
Angie, you have to share it, Stephen hasn't got one of his own.

You're a lucky man. Angie's a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband.. Thank God you married her before she found one.

Now you are married I'm sure Stephen will confess all about his skin condition, it really is a sight for psoriasis.

I must say that today I'm feeling pretty relieved, it's always a relief to be at a wedding that's not your own. I'm not married myself but I'm sure the right girl for me is waiting just around the corner, that is if the police haven't moved her on.

Despite being unmarried I have come across some good advice for you as you begin your life together.

Stephen ,may I ask you to place your hand on top of Angie's.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything she says

There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring,
suffering, torturing and enduring.

Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's . &quotyou're right dear&quot.

Communication is everything. One of my friends didn't speak to wife for two years. Its wasn't because he didn't like her. It's just that he thought it was rude to interrupt.

Angie – Treat Stephen like a dog! 3 meals a day, plenty of affection.. and make sure you send him into the garden for a pee before bedtime! I'm not allowed to say anything about Stephen wetting himself on the Stag night.

Marriage is an institution, Marriage is love, Love is blind, therefore logic dictates that Marriage is an institution for the blind.

On a slightly controversial note I think that priests should be allowed to marry, It would help them to explain the true meaning of hell.

I spoke to both Stephen and Angie before the wedding and I asked Stephen what he was looking for in marriage – he said &quotLove, Happiness And Eventually A Family.&quot

When I asked Angie the same question, she replied, &quotA Coffee Percolator&quot

Well, she actually said a &quotPerky Copulator&quot But I knew what she meant.

I now have a few messages to read out from those who couldn't attend and those who weren't even invited,

Dear Angie Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Love George Cloony

Dear Angie, I'm sorry that I couldn't marry you myself and had to get one of my
mates to do it but best wishes on your special day. Good Luck, The Pope

Dear Angie, You forgot your thong and magic wand, we'll look after them for you from the boys at the Old Spice Club

Dear Stephen, You forgot your thong and magic wand, we'll look after them for you from the boys at the Old Spice Club

Dear Angie, we've had Stephen on trial here, we tried him in every position and he was useless. We hope you have more luck. from the boys on the football team.

The final, and most important task, of best man is knowing when enough is enough and I think that that time has arrived. As I look down at my girlfriend and see her with her head in her hands, wondering &quotwhat have I done&quot

It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job. And I honestly couldn't wish for a better friend to be best man for.

I think you will all agree that today, Stephen truly is the best man and apart from Angie being the most stunning person in the room, she is also the luckiest.

They've now been together for a long time, and I can't think of a single couple more perfect for each other. She brings out the good side in him, which takes a lot of effort, in fact I'd say she's made him a better person since they've been together. Angie, I'd like to thank you on behalf of the assembled company for that. Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked Stephen to place his hand on top of Angie's, I will tell you now. Stephen as my final role, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand.

So to wrap this up, I'd just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without. So keep your marriage brimming, in the ever loving cup, whenever you're wrong admit it, whenever you're right, shut up.

Ladies and Gentlemen would you please be upstanding to toast Stephen and angie, the new Mr and Mrs. McGowan