Speech by Alexander Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alexander Johnson
Speech Date: oct2002
Good afternoon everyone – I do like a warm hand on my opening.
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank John for his kind words.
By, way of introduction, I am Alex, and I'm John's rather nervous best man. Being asked to do a best man's speech is rather like being asked to make love to the Queen – it's a great honour, but nobody really wants to do it!
When I was researching for this speech, I asked Helen for some advice. She told me "Well, you don't really need to say very much in your speech – just say that John is the luckiest man alive for marrying me!". She also added that John is a proud Welshman, and that on no account should I say anything disrespectful about Wales or the Welsh. I have to tell you that this came as something of a blow, since anti-Welsh banter at that point accounted for about 90% of my speech. Helen also added that there were various taboo subjects that I should avoid. I quickly noted down these no-go areas, and they formed the basis for the affectionate character assassination you are about to hear.
John was born in Blackwood, which is in Wales. He was, it seems, the model son, rarely naughty, kind and considerate. He does admit to having had "a bit of temper", but in adult life he has successfully curbed this trait, unless of course kareoke is involved, or Newport County losing (which is an all too frequent occurrence).
As he got older, he developed an interest in playing football, however whether he played in goal, in midfield, on the wing, or up front, his enthusiasm was never matched by ability, and by all accounts he was useless in all positions. I do hope Helen has better luck with him on this front.
Academically he was a high achiever, and John tells me he got a first class degree in rocket science. He worked hard, but he played hard too, indulging in the traditional Welsh pleasures of sun, sand, sea, and … sheep.
Yes, John was a success in everything he did ..… that was right up until the wilderness years. I'm sorry to say that in the early 1980s John succumbed to the seductive charms of the New Romantic movement. New Order, Soft Cell, and Duran Duran became the sound track to his life, and had a dramatic effect on his appearance. To the shock of Blackwood's rather conservative mining community, and to the dismay of his worried family, John began dressing in frilly shirts, baggy trousers, and pixie boots. He sported a Simon Le Bon flick hairstyle, and became the proud owner of a pair of PVC trousers. Most worrying of all, he freely admits to having worn jodhpurs on a regular basis. His poor mother's concerns grew as she noticed that her tea towels were going missing – only to reappear around John's neck as makeshift cravats.
It was during the New Romantic era, that John decided to jack in the rocket science, and he jetted off to Magaluff, where he embarked on career as a holiday rep. What possessed him to do this I'll never know – wasn't Wales sunny enough for him? It took him a while to settle into his new lifestyle – the fact that Majorca has a sheep population of zero left him pining for the Valleys. However, he tells me that overall he had a great time out there, and one day he'd like to go back for a weekend.
Well, John couldn't live the playboy lifestyle forever, and in early 2000 he met the woman of his dreams, and a month later he met Helen at a pub quiz. Their romance blossomed at an alarming rate, and within weeks they were having proper rows. But seriously, they are very well suited to each other – clearly John is the boss in the relationship, whilst Helen is just the decision maker.
As their courtship progressed, John decided to propose. Being the smoothey that he is, John took Helen to Paris for a romantic weekend, he took her to expensive restaurants, he took her for long walks holding her hand, he took her to museums, he took her up the Eiffel Tower.
Then he took her back to Hitchin, and proposed to her flat on his back with a migraine. That sort of style is beyond the reach of the ordinary man.
On a serious note, John, you are a very lucky man; you've got Helen. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, warm, loving and caring.
And Helen, you've got John.
Seriously though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank them both for being very good friends. There's not many best men who can describe the bride a true friend as well as the groom, but I'm lucky enough to be able to do just that. It is an honour to be asked to be your best man here today.
On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd stayed at home, because things would have been much easier on me.
Anyway, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention considerable relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Mr and Mrs Williams. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. John and Helen