Speech by Alisdair Gilmore

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alisdair Gilmore
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome along to what, I'm sure you'll agree, has been a fantastic wedding celebration so far. Of course, you may not be quite so sure of that after being subjected to me wittering on for a few minutes. In any case, my advice is to keep right on drinking!

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank <groom> for his kind words and I think everybody will agree that <bmaid1> and <bmaid2> look gorgeous and have done a great job in making today a very special event.

<bride>, can I just say you look absolutely stunning! And <groom>, well, you just look absolutely stunned!

It is my very great honour to be here today as <groom>’s best man, although _being_ Best Man is probably the most terrifying ordeal you could inflict on anyone – I can assure you all that this is not the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand! (I should also point out that its not every Best Man who has to drive the groom to a police station on his wedding day, but thats another story …) Cheers <groom>!

So, what can I tell you about the groom? Well, even from an early age, he has had a powerful attraction to doctors. You see, he was rather accident prone in his youth, forever falling over and injuring himself and inevitably requiring medical attention. He's been hit by climbing frames, catapulted over the handlebars of his bike, and not forgetting (my favourite), hospitalized by walking into a skip(!) In fact I've heard that the opening scenes of the film "Saving Private Ryan" were actually derived from incidents in <groom>’s childhood!

And these mishaps are not all confined to his formative years either: You wouldn't think that anything as innocuous as a pair of shoes could be a hazard, would you? Nevertheless, just a few years back, this proved to be the case. <groom> bought a pair of new shoes and developed blisters on his heels from them rubbing – which could happen to anyone … However, not everyone manages to get the blisters infected and land up in hospital requiring surgery!

So, I'm happy to say that to everyones relief, <groom> has finally seen sense and cut out the middle man by marrying a doctor. Now he can receive private medical care at leisure in the safety and comfort of his own home.

I first met <groom> at University, and we subsequently shared a flat where we lived in a blissful state of squalour and apathy. I hope that <bride> now has him house-trained so that he no longer leaves the fridge full of rancid food long past its sell-by date, and attempts to defrost the freezer using a table knife and a hammer!

<groom>’s former lack of domesticity aside, I have racked my brains for embarassing anecdotes from this period to include in this speech. Unfortunately, nothing springs to mind – this may be due to <groom>’s model behaviour, or perhaps my poor memory. On the other hand, maybe <groom> is just paying me good money to keep my mouth shut. You can decide. However, you'll find that my memory does improve with alcohol – and I'll be at the bar later …

I can tell you that <groom> does possess some useful skills however. He's an excellent cook, for example, and he also has the unique ability to fall asleep, seemingly at will, anywhere and at any time. (Well done to <groom> for remaining awake this far!) You may think there's nothing unique or remarkable about falling asleep, but <groom> also has an in-built autopilot that allows him to continue interacting with the outside world, even when he's unconcious. One of his most impressive tricks (witnessed in awe by many friends here today) is to pass out and start snoring whilst still holding a pint of beer. He can then wake up some time later, having not spilled a single drop, and continue nonchalantly on with his drink as if nothing had happened. Well at least you can't fault him for having his priorities right!

<groom> also has an uncanny sense of direction, especially, it would seem, when he's half-cut and half-asleep. For instance, a couple of years ago, he, <bride>, <bride>’s sister <bmaid1>, and some friends went on holiday, to a cottage in XYZ. The group had stayed in exactly the same place only the year before, but on that trip <bride>& <groom> had shared a different room. On this occasion, after a few drinks too many, <groom> rose during the night to go to the toilet, relying in his inebriated state, on his trusty autopilot to navigate him back to bed. Unfortunately, he wandered back to the room he had stayed in the year before. And you can imagine <bmaid1>’s surprise when she woke up the next morning to discover <groom> peacefully asleep at the foot of her bed dressed only in his boxer shorts! At least that's the story that <groom> and <bmaid1> are sticking to. You'd better watch him on honeymoon, <bride>, to ensure t

Anyway, thats enough of my ramblings for now. I will now move on to the next of my best-manly duties – namely, the reading of the cards …

CARDS

I hear that when <bride> and <groom> were looking around an trying on wedding rings, every time <groom> tied on a ring – it just didn't want to come off again! I think that's a good omen. And on that note, I'd like to propose a toast. Would you all raise your glasses, please, and join me in congratulating your bride and groom, the new Mr. and Mrs. X. May you share many love-filled years together!