Speech by Alisdair Martin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alisdair Martin
Speech Date: mar 2003
On behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Calum for his kind words.
It gives me great pleasure to stand here today and pay tribute to Calum. I'd like to talk about his exceptional qualities as a man, the attributes that have made him great and why he's such a fantastic bloke. However, I've been offered a lot of money by various people present today not to do that (Mary's brothers should hang their heads in shame at this point). As times are hard, here's some humiliation instead.

I only met Calum at University, so I had to do a bit of probing to find out something of his early years. I know you will find this hard to believe but he was a bit of Revolutionary at school, once trying to organise a strike amongst students to try and force some decorating to be done to the common room. And on another occasion, when asked by Mrs Whytock, his maths teacher to take something to the headmaster Calum replied indignantly “I am here to learn maths, not to run errands for you!”.

But he wasn't so smart when it came to drinking. Aged fifteen, Cal was ordered to be home from a party by 10.30pm. At 9pm he arrived back soaking wet and very, very drunk to be welcomed by little brother Matt who rather unhelpfully, ran through the house shouting: “Mum, Dad – come and see Calum!!”.

Calum got as far as the hall before being horrendously but colourfully ill all over the floor, all over the walls and, most impressively of all, all over the ceiling. If you ever wondered why the Armes hall ceiling is artexed, now you know. Vertical vomiting is actually quite hard to do, but I'm told it has been a talent of Calum's since he was a baby.

Like all brothers Calum and Mathew had their disagreements. When Matt spotted Calum smoking Mum and Dad were the first to know. A few years later when Calum found Matt smoking Mum and Dad were the first to know. As a policeman Mr Armes must be proud to have raised a self-policing family.

On one notable occasion the two boys came to blows over a Sunday roast. Although having eaten at the Armes residence last night I'm not surprised. I nearly resorted to head butting Mr Armes for the last roast potato myself.

Calum and I met at University, but more importantly this is where he met the love of his life – which brings us to Mary, who is looking stunning today, I'm sure you'll agree. They met at the Mandela Bar of Strathclyde Union. Across the dance floor, their eyes met: eventually Calum and his mate plucked up some courage; they tucked their shirts into their underpants and moonwalked right over there.

What was actually said is hard to imagine, but later Calum claimed Mary had said he was attractive from afar, Mary is adamant she said he was far from attractive. Either way after a while they started dating. It was a match made in heaven.

But the course of true love never ran smooth and when Calum moved to London in 1995 they had to spend long periods apart. Desperate to do something about this, Cal decided to get Mary down to London for Valentines Day. After days of agonising and nervousness he wanted to do something truly special for Mary's visit. Understandably, he asked me what I thought he should do. I suggested a romantic meal for two (going out for a meal is the solution to many of life's problems I find). He took my advice and booked a table.… at Burger King.

But Calum being Calum, he persuaded the manager to add a touch of class by setting out a table with tablecloth, cutlery and champagne flutes. As this was without doubt the most romantic event ever to happen in a South London burger joint, the local press were in attendance. Our happy couple made the front page of the South London News. I've tracked down that story and here it is! (Hold up blown up story).

Rumour has it that Calum wooed Mary with the line “if you were on the menu here, you'd be a McGorgeous!” Incidentally, Calum is already making plans for their first anniversary celebration. Pizza Hut maybe?

But how could Mary resist such charm. Shortly afterwards she moved to London and the three of us shared a flat in Greenwich for just over a year. We got on famously, spending most of our time camped out in front of the TV sharing tubs of ice cream. It's not difficult to see who found the biggest spoon.

One of Calum's other characteristics is the – well, how can I put this – the care he takes with money. As he has often told me: “the safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it back in your pocket”.

But marriage changes a man and his approach to spending is shifting. Just yesterday while mulling over a purchase in Princes Street he blurted “Well, if you've got it why not spend it! I'm not extravagant enough! It's a lot of money, but hey, you only live once! I'm going to buy this right now! I don't care how much it costs!”. I was really impressed by this. Dramatically Calum threw the packet of jaffa cakes in the shopping trolley and marched off. But please note: those jaffas were purchased at full price and will be kept for a special occasion.

One of Calum's greatest talents is his cooking. And this was shown to great effect when we both went to the World Cup in France four years ago along with a crowd of guys from Lewis. He cooked every night for up to 15 people and consequently obtained the nickname Mum for the duration of the trip (although his occasional wearing of a dress, make-up and twinset may have also had something to do with it).

We travelled to Bordeaux and took to the bars to drink and sing really badly with the rest of the Tartan Army. Calum decided to be friendly and go and meet French people. He stood at a set of traffic lights dressed in a kilt and C U Jimmy bunnet – not unlike the one he's wearing today. (Fumble, find, get Calum to wear bunnet). Not unlike the one he's wearing today.

As the traffic stopped at the lights he thrust himself into as many cars as he could, kissed each of the terrified occupants and proudly told them all the French he knew: “Je suis Ecossaise, Je t'aime. Nous sommes les champigons”. Now I know there's no need for translation, but just for the record, Calum was trying to say “I am Scottish! I love you! We are the Champions!” (which let's face it is a bit optimistic on at least two counts).

Unfortunately the French for “champions” and “mushrooms” are very similar and Calum was to spend two hours bouncing into hundreds of cars bellowing “I am Scottish, I love you, we are the mushrooms!”. It will come as no surprise that following this incident Scottish fans were voted the friendliest of the World Cup.

And so to today. Calum has found his one in a million – Mary obviously didn't look that hard.

On a personal note, I'd like to thank both Calum and Mary, for being such fantastic friends to me over the years. I've known you both through thick and thin (the thickening of my waistline and the thinning of his hair). It is truly an honour to be one of your best men today.

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to raise you glasses in a toast to Calum and Mary, we wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Calum and Mary.