Speech by Alistair Dawson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alistair Dawson
Speech Date: May 2001
Best man speech

Afternoon Ladies & Gents (I've been looking forward to this moment all week, I can tell you.)

Anyway I AM the best man here today, ‘literally’ and for those who don't know me, my name is Ali and I am Max's lighter brother, sorry little brother.

First, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Tony and Max for their kind words. OK this morning at the ceremony, I think everyone here would agree that the bride looked – well – absolutely stunning, and that the groom – well – looked absolutely stunned. When Max first asked me to be best man, I totally bricked it, I was absolutely petrified – people say that being a best man is like having sex with the Queen Mum – a wonderful honour, but no one really wants to do it . (me included)

Since asking me I have found out that there are a number of tasks that I meant to do to as best man, Some of these include :-

1. Organise the Stag do and keep him fully clothed throughout – I think I managed at least 50% of that task, but which half you ask.
2. Get him to the church on time and make sure his shoes are tied – again, I think that went OK
3. Make sure that there is nothing between his teeth (or is that his ears?) – either way, I think I'm ok there
4. To see that any angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay – I should think that most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating
5. Lastly, make a speech and make a complete arse of myself – again that's not going too badly either.

Right moving on to the traditional character assassination of the Groom –
It is fair to say that there are 5 loves in Max's life, Pizza, Tracy, LiverpoolFC, Squash and Pizza..… though not necessarily in that order. Eh Tracy – I think Liverpool might just edge it over Pizza.

Taking each of these in turn :-

Max certainly likes his food – that's for sure , we all know that – his idea of a balanced diet is having a Big Mac in each hand. However since moving in with Tracy things have improved, she has been training him well – Max now actually knows where the Kitchen is, which helps and with detailed step by step instructions can actually cook wicked beans on toast (assuming that Tracy opens the can for him of course) – there's always room for improvement there Max.

Tracy, when thinking about what to say about Tracy, I actually got a bit of the old writers block – in desperation I reached for the Rogets Thesaurus (I think that's how you pronounce it ) and looked up the word lovely – there I found 5 words which describe Tracy perfectly – beautiful, charming, delightful, pleasant and Gin and Tonic. Here's to G&T eh Trace, if you have 15 of these before breakfast you just may be able to cope with Max – Cheers.

Liverpool FC – Well What a season this year for the scallys – 3 cups and 3rd place in the Premiership, just piping Ipswich mind you – eh Ted they were lucky. Nevertheless Brilliant stuff from the Pool. And fair play Max like a true fan was there at 2 of the 3 finals and the majority of the league games despite living so far from Liverpool – great dedication to his team you must agree. After meeting some of his footy mates on the Stag weekend I can see that week in/ week out that he must have a cracking time travelling to all those matches up in Liverpool. Lets hope it continues now you are married – Liverpool doing well that is– not you actually going to see them play. You're be lucky to see them once a week on match of the day.

Squash – Well where shall I start here – just so many stories. At School Max honestly believed he would become a Professional Squash Player – to be fair to Max he wasn't far off this achievement, he was runner up at Kessingland 3 times – still quite a way too go though Max.
Since then he has become a qualified coach and coaches a number of Juniors at both Kessingland and Beccles – thus offering a value service to the local community. I also hear that he employs a junior gopher who helps out now and again, I think he goes by the name of D.G – not sure there. Well done Max – keep up the good work.

Next, a best Man's speech wouldn't be complete without showing a silly photo of Max from his younger years. However I'm going to save Max a little bit here and only show 1 of 2 possible photos that I have here with me. I am going to leave it up to you the crowd to decide which photo I show.
Firstly in this hand I have a lovely picture of Max showing us the true meaning of a football fan, Being an Avid Liverpool fan this photo really shows the lengths that they are willing to go to promote their club.
In this hand I have a marvellous naked shot of Max in a Sand Pit, mind you what Max was doing in a sand pit aged 21 – I've no idea. (but there you go)

So ( Cheer for A or B)

That was fairly even, its only fair to let Max have the deciding Vote – Max.

OK – When I said Max was naked – I lied, what I was meant to say was he wishes he was naked. Because what do all Liverpool Fans hate more than anything in the whole world – Max? Yep Man U. Bearing this in mind I hope you can explain this photo – a wonderful picture of Max in full United Kit – even including a nice little Man U Bag – priceless I think you'll agree.
Before I show it, there are two other people in this photo, first on the left of Max is Casey Read who just happens to be wearing the full Liverpool kit – a true fan no less, no excuses for you not to know who Liverpool were back then Max , and on his right is a really cool little dude – MUM – I can't believe you made me wear those slippers! Where ever did you get them?.

Show Photo :- please pass it around for a good giggle.

Right just before I finish, here are some words of wisdom for the happy couple:-

Tracy – remember that Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.

Max – on the other hand, Women are also like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

Finally joking apart, marriage is a serious business and it shouldn't be entered into lightly….and at 14 stone Max certainly isn't doing that either.

Now to the cards :-

One from your work colleagues – Max you have pulled a blinder with Tracy, you have found someone who is loving and caring, well mannered, charming, smart and funny.
Tracy you've found – well Max really.

Another here – Dear M&T, cheers for all the business this year – Macdonald's Pakefield
Another – M&T, Best Wishes, feel free to pop in any time – Macdonald's Lowestoft.
Another – M&T, keep up the good work, hope to see you both soon – Kentucky Fried Chicken – Lowestoft.

Heres one from Traceys High school Teachers :-
Tracy was an Ideal pupil who excelled in most of her subjects – she will always do well!!!

And one here from Max's High school Teachers :-
Max was an idle pupil who was expelled from most of his subjects – How did he do so well???

OK some serious cards now ……….read cards.

OK – to finish, on behalf of the Bride and Groom … I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day. Ladies and Gents please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the happy couple – Max and Tracy..… Mr and Mrs Dawson no less.

Here's wishing you both all the best for a long and happy marriage.

That's it from me thank god – I need a well deserved drink, thanks for listening.