Speech by Anannya Sen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Anannya Sen
Speech Date: oct 2003
Hello and good afternoon to you all. For those of you that I don't recognise, and I must admit that the number is scaring me, my name is Anannya and I have the unfortunate honour of not only being best man, but being related to the groom. I have to add that I had no choice in either matter. But, Arnab did say that if I did a good job today, then I could be best man at his next wedding.

Can I first thank you all for coming and tell you that the most important part of the day is still ahead of us. The food will be served right after I've finished speaking. Before that, could we raise our glasses for an initial toast to the bride and groom. This is not a ploy to get you all drunk so that you laugh at my speech. Well, ok, it is, but the more you laugh, the quicker it will be over.

So onto my brother. What information can I give you that hasn't already been released by Scotland Yard? Alan, I'm assuming you did a background check on him? I would if he was marrying my daughter. You might want to try the alias Tom Smith which is his nom de guerre when he's abroad.

I just want to first compliment the bride and groom on how beautiful they both look. Not together mind you, but if you keep a few feet between them, they almost look happy.

Catherine makes a lovely bride, she looks stunning, beautiful and radiant. I think my brother makes a good groom as well. He's relatively handsome and relatively tall which is a miracle when you look at my father.

My brother wasn't always this height though. Or this weight for that matter, but we'll get onto that later. No, I remember when he was a few years old and just a little baby.

CRYING

Unsurprisingly, Arnab wasn't always a hit with the ladies. They would try and mother him and for those that remember, he would always cry. It was like a banshee sent from the depths of hell. I don't think that anyone who heard him cry can ever forget it, and I think millions must have been spent in therapy for the unfortunate women who came into contact with him.

The trend didn't just stop there either, and when my brother started going to school, he would cry if a girl even looked at him, let alone talked to him, a habit which lasted well into his second year at university. So for all of us that know him, it's a relief and an act of God that this day has finally come.

WEIGHT

Change is a part of life and we can see that as his social skills changed, so too did his weight. It's quite astonishing to think that my brother used to be a 48 waist and 15 leg. He was never one of those well-behaved children, no, he would be the kid that would sit on top of the other kids just to get some attention. They would get attention as well, though more like the medical kind.

The change is even more evident when my father showed us all a picture recently and Catherine remarked “Arnab, who's that big kid in the middle? I didn't know you had another brother?” To my amazement, my brother couldn't actually recognise himself and said “Oh my God, is that me?” Yes, it was you and after 15 years on the Atkins diet you can finally fit into your wedding suit.

CHILDHOOD

I do also remember one amusing story from my brother's childhood. My brother is very afraid of needles and would always dread going for injections. I remember once going to the surgery with him and after my injection was over I was eager to see how he'd cope. He started making such a fuss that I was told to wait outside while the doctor got the needle ready. I was quite disappointed as I wanted to see his pain, I'm a very loving brother, I know, but I duly went outside and waited. After a few minutes I was wondering how I could tell when it was over, when a huge crash sounded and I saw a blur flying through the door and collapse into a crumpled heap on the floor. It was the doctor and my brother had donkey kicked him as he was about to administer the jab. I think you can guess where the needle was going.

LYING AND STAG

Of course my brother will strenuously deny this and claim he's not afraid of anything. Denying his fears or his weight is just one obvious aspect of jealousy. This is a regular emotion in my brother's life and is always highlighted by the fact that he is such a poor loser. Apparently, for the last month he's been lying to his girlfriend about how he did in the go karting as part of our stag weekend. Arnab, unless you've changed the laws of mathematics, coming fifth out of 6 people does not mean that you won. I don't care what your lap time was, you crashed the go kart. Pitiful really and nice to know that their relationship is built on a solid bedrock of deceipt.

The nightclub was a fairly quiet affair but I have to point out to my brother that there's a very good reason that the running man dance went out in the 90’s. Arnab was partying like it was 1994. He looked like MC Hammer on speed and I salute you Fred for trying to match the crazy ass beat he had going on in his head.

MEETING

My final anecdote is the traditional story of how Arnab and Catherine met. Arnab and Catherine first really met on new years a few years ago when they both went on a skiing trip with mutual friends. You can't get a more romantic location than skiing in the French town of Flaine in New Years but the only problem was that Catherine was going out with someone else. I don't blame her. No, Arnab and Catherine properly met a year later in the decidedly more unromantic location of North Wembley and in a student kitchen. Well, more like the floor of a student kitchen to be more precise.

I hope I have succeeded in embarrassing my brother in the speech. Of course, they say that the best man's speech is the groom's worst five minutes of the day. The bride's worst five minutes of the day, however, come later on tonight.

Before I finish I just want to spend a bit of time talking about Arnab and Catherine. They have a very special relationship which I think we all aspire to. Their love still seems so pure and simple. Catherine so pure and Arnab so simple.

They are both in successful jobs and have a good home and more importantly, they are happiest when they are spending time together.

So Arnab and Catherine, you've finally got married, for better or worse, which is quite appropriate as I'm sure you'll all agree Arnab couldn't have done any better and well Catherine couldn't have done any worse.

I'd like to close my speech with a little advice for the bride and groom,

Catherine, just remember, men are like fine wine They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with

On the other hand, Arnab, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind ….… slowly turning full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache!

Before you all raise your glasses I just want to say that this is the most special day in my life. To see my little brother about to start a new and exciting life with the woman he loves makes me feel very proud. I'm sure that my mother and other friends we have lost are all watching over us and enjoying this day as much as we are. She would have been the busiest person today, running around making sure everything was perfect, not resting until it was over. She also would have been the happiest.

Can we please all raise our glasses to toast the bride and groom.