Speech by Andrew Bates

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Bates
Speech Date: Apr 2002
First of all, on behalf of Paul & Sian, I would like to thank you all for coming along to help celebrate this special day. I imagine that you would all agree that the lovely service this afternoon was quite a moving experience. So much so, even the wedding cake was in tiers!

They don't get any better than that, so you all might as well laugh anyway!

For those that don't know me, my name is Andrew, and yes, it was I who drew the short straw…….I mean, was given the honour of being Paul's Best Man.

Seriously, I was both delighted, and honoured, to be chosen as Paul's Best Man, though I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been one of my strong points. However, I have read somewhere that the best way to calm your nerves during public speaking, is to imagine that your entire audience is naked….…

(Long pause to scan audience, stopping briefly twice to grimace at one of the men and smile longingly at one of the ladies)

Nope! It's not working, but please bear with me!

So, what can I tell you about Paul? Well, it's a tale of bread….., butter…….., coffee…….., sugar? (Starts to read written bullet points from crib notes with increasing incredulity) Fish fingers?! 2lb of potatoes?! Milk?!……………….… Hmm! I'm sorry Ladies and Gentlemen, I appear to have picked up our shopping list by mistake!

Actually, could you please excuse me for a moment? (Turns to wife in audience) Mandy, do we need any potatoes this week?… No? I thought not. (Takes pen out of pocket to alter shopping list) Forget the potatoes………..Could do with a crate of beer though…….Better make that two, I'll need it after this! We'll be doing the shopping tomorrow. (Puts shopping list into pocket)

OK. Where was I? Oh yes, I was doing a speech wasn't I? Sorry about that. So, what can I tell you about Paul? Well, Paul and I first met at school at the tender age of 8 years old. So for all the mathematicians out there, that means we've known each other for the best part of 13 years………….give or take the odd month…………..or year! Actually it might seem like 13 years, but in reality it's 30 years.

We both had similar interests, which is why we got on so well. Probably the most notable activity that springs to mind during the early years is the amount of time we spent playing Subbuteo. It was virtually a ritual at times, especially at weekends. We used to take it quite seriously, and we even followed the seasonal trends. It was Subbuteo football in the winter, and Subbuteo cricket in the summer. I kid you not. Paul actually had Subbuteo cricket!

We also spent a lot of time cycling. We used to cycle for miles and miles. Don't know why, but we did! Perhaps one of my favourite memories was when Paul had one of the first home video games. Do you all remember the tennis game? You know, the one with the thin bat at each side of the screen, and you had to knock the ball back to each other. Beep……Beep Beep…….Beep……Beep…….etc. Of course, it didn't seem to matter how you tried to control the bat, it always seemed to have a mind of it's own. You were either very good at it, and always won 13-0, or you were very bad at it, and always lost 13-0. It's little wonder I can't play Tomb Raider!

Later on, our interests extended to girls of course, although that interest was never really reciprocated by the girls in question. Can't think why, as we always thought our tank tops were quite fashionable! Especially mine with all the pictures of trains going round it!

Academically, we were quite well matched at school, although it has to be said that Paul didn't always have the best of luck.

For example, in woodwork, the teacher reported that Paul had difficulty in distinguishing between inches and millimetres. (Raised eyebrows and sideways glance at bride) I'm not saying anything!

He didn't get on with R.E. either. For many years he thought that the Book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins! Mind you, so did I!

However, the biggest disappointment was Technical Drawing. We both aspired to being draughtsmen on leaving school. As we neared the end of our schooling, we were both in the ‘O’ level group. Unfortunately, I didn't pay attention in class and I was relegated to the CSE group. So, on the day of the final exam, Paul and his fellow ‘O’ level students all went into the exam hall, full of high expectations. To their utter horror, the exam proved to be extremely difficult, as they had to do a third angle section of an engine block, complete with piston rings, conrods, and everything else you could possible imagine. It was to prove to be the hardest exam Paul had ever faced, and unfortunately, virtually everyone failed. Only E or U grades were achieved.

Meanwhile, just to add insult to injury, over in the CSE exam, we were faced with drawing a calculator in plan view only. It wasn't even a scientific calculator and only had about 12 buttons on the face. The exam board had even thoughtfully provided a 1:1 photograph to help candidates. No wonder we all managed a CSE grade 1, which was ‘O’ level equivalent. So effectively the tables had been turned on Paul.
As it transpired, it didn't really matter, as we didn't become draughtsmen anyway.

Some of you who know Paul might be surprised to know that he was a bit of a rebel at times. He didn't always conform. As we all formed an interest in music at school, there were 3 distinct trends that people tended to follow. Everyone was either a mod, a rocker, or a punk. Not Paul. He stood out from the crowd. He had a distinct liking for disco and other more commercial pop groups.

Now, I have solemnly promised not to mention in public his favourite band during this era. However, if anyone wishes to “Take A Chance On Me”, then if you see me later, just “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” a drink, (but not necessarily after midnight), or even some “Money, Money, Money”, and I might just divulge the information.

For those that didn't attend, the stag night was a very enjoyable occasion. Unfortunately, I can't say too much, because Paul's solicitor has advised caution until the court case comes up next month. However, I have been advised by the RSPCA that the donkey will make a full recovery!

Only kidding! There's no dirt to dish onto Paul. Unfortunately! No being stripped naked and put on a train to Aberdeen…Newcastle was far enough!

Seriously, the stag night was a very civilised affair. It firstly consisted of go-karting, which was great fun. Then we were all invited round to Mary's house for a lovely tea, which was really nice and greatly appreciated. It set us up for the evening, so thank you Mary once again for that. We then went up town drinking, and ended the night with the obligatory curry afterwards.

The only thing I can report is that Paul twice came close to being black-flagged during our race sessions. Once was not so much for dangerous driving, but I think he took a bend rather too enthusiastically. A bit like his normal driving really! The other caution came when they found out he was an Abba fan……Ooopps! Sorry Paul, didn't mean to let on.

Obviously, Paul met Sian through involvement in one of the many activities organised by Spice. After the first few events they attended together, Paul became very keen on Sian, but he finally fell for her in a big way. They were abseiling together at the time. I understand that it was only the rope that prevented him from going completely head over heels! Aahh! (Audience goes Aahh) Come on, you can do better than that! (Audience gives a nice loud Aahh)

I think it is only fair that I warn Sian that there are already 4 loves in Paul's life. Football………Tennis……….Golf………… and Football! Still, (turning to bride) top 5 is not bad!

As Best Man, I've searched through a number of books and publications in an attempt to help define what marriage is all about. During my research, I was astounded to discover that marriage is a trilogy of rings. Quite topical really, with Lord Of The Rings doing the rounds at the moment.

Basically, upon asking for Sian's hand in marriage, Paul would have handed over the first of the rings; the engagement ring. Then today we have witnessed Paul & Sian exchange their vows, and of course the second of the rings; the wedding ring. The third ring comes along at a later date. Once the honeymoon is over, the bills are starting to pile up, and Paul has just returned late from the pub and his dinner is burnt; that's when he gets the suffer-ring!

As a married man myself, I thought it might be useful for me to divulge a few useful tips:

1). Never go to bed on an argument. Stay up and fight it out!

2). Never swear at your wife when there are ladies present.

3). Most important advice. If you want to ensure that you always remember your anniversary, just forget it the once.

I think you all know where I'm coming from on that one lads!

Finally, knowing Paul as well as I do, I can guarantee Sian that over the coming years he will provide her with absolutely nothing……

( Very long pause before remembering to turn over last crib sheet)

……..but love, happiness, and above all, DIY skills second to none!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would think that by now you are all hoping I will sit down really soon. So, without any further ado, it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses once more in a toast to Paul & Sian. We wish them all the best for their future happiness together.