Speech by Andrew Bell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Bell
Speech Date: Jul 2001

THE OPENING……

Thank you Ian, Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I'd like to offer a belated welcome to the Maynard Arms, Grindleford, thank you for helping us celebrate Ian and Suzanne's wedding day.

My name is Andy ..… You may already know that I'm Ian's mate and cricketing buddy from Manchester. It was well over six months ago that Ian asked me to be his best man and in choosing me from his list of other student and old school friends, I understand from Suzanne that Ian went through a long and rigorous selection process. He wanted someone:

· Loyal (yeah)
· Trustworthy (I'd like to think so);
· Reliable (well we both got here on time didn't we);
· Guaranteed not to embarrass him (Ah…).

Well…..(shrug) three out of four isn't too bad… I'm not sure what that says about Ian's decision-making skills. But it has been a pleasure to play this role today. It's been a excellent day so far thanks to John and Jenny and hopefully this speech won't ruin things too much.

I would just like to say at this point that I am a little bit nervous, unaccustomed as I am to making speeches. In fact I have to admit that waiting to deliver this speech wasn't the first time that I have spent a few anxious moments today sitting on a cold seat with a piece of paper in my hand.… So please bear with me.

I would like to start traditionally and thank Ian on behalf myself and the bridesmaids, Jeanette, Catherine and Janet, for his kind words. I am sure you will all agree that the bridesmaids look wonderful today and that they have performed their duties admirably.

As for the happy couple. Suzanne truly looks stunning today and I think the term ‘radiant’ would not be an overstatement. Ian you look like you always do.… Third prize in a raffle. No seriously, you've scrubbed up quite nicely, although I am not too pleased about you copying my outfit.

THE TASKS OF A BEST MAN

If you hadn't guessed already, I've never been a best man before so I thought I had better get some professional advice on the tasks and duties that I would be expected to perform. So off I trotted down to WH Smiths and seized on the wonderous tome entitled ‘How to be a best man’ by the esteemed author U.R. In-ferrit.

Mr In-ferrit suggests that on the weekend of the wedding, as best man, I must concentrate on six key tasks.…

Task 1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for those payments that the groom may have forgotten. Well knowing Ian's famous organisational skills of old I have had to take drastic measures on that one. Don't tell Linda (my girlfriend) but I have re-mortgaged our house just to be on the safe side.

Task 2) On the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well looked after and gets a good nights sleep. I am proud to be able to report that Ian slept like a baby last night.… About four and a half hours sleep, waking every thirty minutes crying for his mum.

Task 3) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this, you would have thought that a man of 29 years would be able to accomplish this relatively simple task himself.… But after half an hours struggling I think we've done quite well.

Task 4) Ensure that the Groom uses the toilet (I have to admit to a slight deraliction of duty there – I didn't monitor that one too closely), that he ties his shoes, has his face and hair in order (I did my best there, but as you can see we were probably fighting a losing battle from the start), has nothing between his teeth (or should that be his ears) and has his trouser flies done up. (Lets not even go there!!!)

Task 5) Bring a medical bag with the following items for emergencies: – Aspirin, Antacid, Deodorant, Valium (Myself and Ian polished them off this morning) tooth brush and toothpaste. I'm sure I had also packed some Viagra but when I checked this morning it had mysteriously vanished.… I wonder who could have taken that?

Task 6) See that all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. One of my more easier tasks that one.… as since the advent of foot and mouth, most of them have been quarenteened.

IAN AND MYSELF..…
I've known Ian for almost seven years now, with us meeting at Salford University whilst studying for an MSc. Its quite embarrassing really, as our relationship blossomed through a mutual interest in saving as much money as possible to spend on beer. I needed someone to share my journey to college to reduce the costs of running my car and Ian was just a lazy sod who fancied as long as he could get in bed and a bloody taxi ride to lectures!
During countless mornings sitting in Manchester traffic jams it soon became apparent that we shared many common interests. Golf, football and cricket to name but a few. Ian claimed in particular to be an expert in all things related to cricket, holding forth about the forward defensive stroke and running between the wickets. I was taken in for a minute or two.… “My god this man really knows what he is talking about” I thought. Right up until the moment when I asked him which County he supported. Being an adopted Lancastrian, when I heard the word ‘Yorkshire’ come from his lips, my suspicions were confirmed. He was clearly a lunatic and didn't have the first clue about cricket!!!
Should I make a run for it now Ian? (note: all the guests were from Sheffield except me)
After leaving college Ian moved in to a house with a group of friends of mine and lived a typical bachelor lifestyle of limited washing, late night games of cards and the sharing of cold curry for breakfast. This period of slobbishness was only redeemed by Suzanne entering Ian's life and giving him a fresh focus and the occasional clean pair of socks. It didn't come a moment too soon for all concerned!
Ian then moved back to Sheffield to concentrate on his ambitions to become a teacher. His influence on my life however remained strong. Using his famous powers of persuasion Ian convinced me to taste the high life of club cricket in Sheffield under his glorious leadership. The first match was not a roaring success, most of the opposition at Birdwell forgot to turn up and the pitch had been double booked with a football cup final, resulting in the bizarre spectacle of a football goal and net 30 yards inside the boundary and the need for frantic shouts for the goalie and defenders to take cover whenever the ball was smashed in their general direction.
Notwithstanding this inauspicious start. Three successful years followed under Ian's captaincy culminating in a famous league title winning season. Some of my best afternoons have been spent in Sheffield watching Ian in his incarnation of ‘Fiery Fred’ steaming into bowl some of the most fearsome deliveries thirteen year old batsmen have ever had the misfortune to face.
So, this brings me very swiftly on to Ian's new role as the fine upstanding pillar of the community – as teacher and all round good egg. It is perhaps the perfect job for Ian, as his fine, clean living lifestyle is a inspiration to all the youngsters under his control. I hear he is a very kind and thoughtful teacher. On the first day of the year he rounds up the new boys in his class and says, “As you know boys the door to my office is always open. So keep your bloody voices down as you go past”. But as I have said, Ian is a highly respected teacher, with many of his pupils comparing him to God. They note that he's rarely seen, is holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

IAN AND SUZANNE
Ok, that's probably enough of the character assassination stuff. I do have loads more but perhaps I should keep my counsel. I would say, however, that a glance at some of the Stag Weekend photos displayed around the walls may suggest some further stories… fortunately the attendees of that weekend cannot reveal these deeds due to the gagging clause of the “lore of the stag”. I would also like to congratulate Ian on the fitness regime that has resulted in his new svelte frame for today. Apparently this is down to the 50 push ups he does each day. None of them intentional, he just falls down a lot. As anyone within the stag party could testify to after a couple of evenings down the pub with him.
It is important to remember however, that the stag weekend and indeed the splendid day we are all enjoying today would not have come about if it were not for the love between Ian and Suzanne and their decision to show their commitment to each through marriage. I have to say that Suzanne has been a wonderful influence on Ian. Since the day that they met he has been a happy little soul and I wish them both all the future happiness together that they deserve.
For all my mickey taking Ian is a great bloke and a strong and dedicated mate, who I am proud to call my friend. I am sure that he will make Suzanne a loyal and loving husband and sometime in the future, a caring and devoted father.
I'd like to propose a toast to Ian a good friend and the real ‘best man’ here today. – Ladies and Gentlemen – To Ian.

I would also at this juncture like to ask Ian and Suzanne to participate in the speech. Suzanne if I can ask you to place you hand flat on the table . . . Ian, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Suzanne's..… Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment Ian, as it is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

But its not all bad… remember Ian, ….now that you are married you can ALWAYS have the last words – " YES DEAR "

TELEGRAMS, TOASTS, ETC.
It's just down to me now to read out the telegrams and messages from people who have not been able to be here for whatever reason.…
I now have a few telegrams to read from absent friends and relatives….…
And also some special messages:

1. From the Hotel Tresteveri, Rome, Italy
Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.

2. To Suzanne – From the Telecom Cricket 1st XI
Ian has been useless at whatever ever position we have tried him. We hope for your sake that you have more success with him.

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and though it's been said before, it now gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand one last time and raise your glasses in a toast for Ian and Suzanne.

Ladies and Gentlemen – Ian and Suzanne, The new Mr and Mrs Davey!!!!!