Speech by Andrew Bourn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Bourn
Speech Date:
Introduction

Ladies and Gentlemen; in the interests of self-preservation I've removed anything that could upset C from this speech…Thank you very much and good afternoon. (I make as if to sit down).

But seriously for those of you, who don't know me, I'm Andy, and I'm lucky enough to be C's Best man.

Firstly, on behalf of the Matron of Honour (E) and bridesmaid (A) I'd like to thank the bridegroom for his kind words and generous gifts. I think we can all agree that they have done an absolutely amazing job today. – How about a round of applause?

Can I just say, I always thought it would be hard to follow C's speech and I was right, being from Liverpool I couldn't follow a bloody word?

I've only known C for 6 years, so I was surprised when he asked me to be his best man. But on reflection, I think he was swayed by the fact that I know very little about the first 26 years of his life, which therefore puts some rather embarrassing stories out of reach. Or so he thought.

Before the onslaught begins in the interest of public safety can I point out the fire exits. Also in the interests of C's wallet can I point out the toilets.

Childhood
Earlier I was asking C's parents about some childhood memories: –

When C was born apparently he was small, cuddly with lovely blue eyes… and a full back of Hair.

His mum said he had no friends, and he was so ugly she had to tie a bone around his neck just so the dog would play with him…
His dad said that every time he took C out in his pram people used to offer him bananas, he could have opened a fruit shop. You can see for yourselves he hasn't changed much has he.

School

When C was at school he once asked the Careers teacher "What will I be when I leave school".
She replied "Oh about 28".

During his teenage years C was a keen boxer, unfortunately he lost his first
10 fights by KO and lost his sponsor… winalot.

However there was light at the end of the tunnel when a major company stepped in to sponsor his kit and they got value for money in his next 5 fights. Unluckily for C he was knocked out in all of them but luckily for them they'd placed the adverts on the soles of his shoes.

My stories

Through my own experiences of C I've realised that he has the ability to light up any room he walks in, not through his wit or charm but usually when he sets his chest hair alight.
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It was my responsibility to make sure C got through the stag do in one piece, it was going to plan until one of the party covered C's head in hair remover. We managed to get him to the toilet and washed it all out, on top of that one of the bar staff came into the toilet and gave him a blow…dry, thus avoiding a crisis.

However I have recently found out that it can take upto 6 weeks to take effect, so being the caring best man that I am I went to the chemist find a cure for it. I told the woman the problem and asked if I could buy anything
to keep it in…….… yes you guessed she gave me a bag.… Mind it is a
John Lewis one.

Two things I've noticed about C is how frugal he is, you know short arms long pockets syndrome and also that he is fond of a drink. I believe that it's those two reasons why he booked Canada as a honeymoon destination, if fact I was at the pub that night he overheard someone at the bar say "Do you know you can drink Canada Dry for a Quid".

He also has fantastic musical talents of which he regularly shows off, in fact he has graced a host of European stages for instance: –

Ireland, Tenerife, Nottingham and of course Amsterdam where he left us all gobsmacked with an eyepopping performance… mind the donkey wasn't too impressed… Although I have to admit it did look good in leather.

Most recently he played with a band in Benidorm, he enjoyed playing with the two guys but due to over excitedness and being a bit rough he actually snapped one of the guys Banjo strings. Well the poor fellow wasn't too happy and was out of action for the rest of the night but luckily they still had the drummer and fiddler to finish off.

I don't know if everyone here knows this but C is actually known as Elvis to all his friends. Now I could go on and explain why he is known as this but as the old saying goes "A picture paints a thousand words". So could I ask Elvis to come to the front…….…

Dance with guitar

Actually Elvis has brought his dancing upto date and is now known as Elvis [Robotic voice]. Queue Music……

Dance with robot mask
Thanks Elvis

C & G

The 7th of December 1925 was the day that Johnny Weissmuller set the world record for the 150-yard freestyle swim. If anyone doesn't know who he is than he was better known as Tarzan the ape-man.

77 years on it was also a special day for our very own ape-man, have you ever noticed how hairy he is!

C met G on the 2002 at the Stagedoor Nightclub and it was by total chance. I was out with C on the rugby club Christmas night out and we were all planning to go night clubbing at Tiger Tiger as it had only just opened. One of the lads we were out with rang the club that week and made sure that we were all on the VIP guest list, when we rolled up at 11pm we tried to get in and though an admin error we weren't on the list.

As you can imagine we were calling our mate all the names for cocking up so it was suggested we should try the stagedoor. I remember the whole thing eyes met across the crowded dancefloor, not with each other but just C's as he'd been on the spirits and couldn't focus.

Then C staggered, I mean swaggered across the floor and muttered the most romantic line "You alright there love" next thing I knew they were smooching on the stairs, G on the bottom one and C standing 3 stairs up from her. And as they say the rest is history…

As you know, it's meant to be bad luck for the groom to see his bride's dress before the service, but it was certainly on C's mind. In fact, when G entered the church, C actually whispered to me: "The dress – is the dress traditional white?" And I told him it was. "Great", he said, "it's important for the dishwasher to match the other kitchen appliances."
In the run-up to today, C and G had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide who to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if you can hear me at the back there, thank you to Weathers for the oven glove.

Mind we've all got to agree that the food was fabulous today but C did you know that scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake

Good Stuff

Joking aside I am really honoured and proud to be here today as C's best man.

I regard both C and G as the type of friends that will be there for you whenever it's needed. And I for one value their friendship very highly, and I am sure that most of you out here today do the same.

It actually makes a change to see both their faces as a majority of the time they are snogging like teenagers. I always laugh about it but it's a testament of how happy they are and how much they appreciate each other's company.

A Friend's love says:
" If you ever need anything, I'll be there."

True Love says:
" You'll never need anything; I'll be there."

Before I propose the toast I have some cards to read:

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to C and G, the new Mr and Mrs K.

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.

C & G….