Speech by Andrew Brown

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Brown
Speech Date: 09/08/2011 15:20:32

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, before I actually begin my speech can I ask The Bride to place her right hand on the table, and Groom can you place your fat fingered,sweaty palm on top of the Brides. Don't worry I'm not going to ask you to sing a duet, knowing that you've both got voices like strangled cats.

Excellent

Can I just ask you all to stand up for me for a moment……………………..

[Ask 50% of the audience to raise their hands over there heads with the hands apart. The other 50% to raise their hands over the heads with their hands together]

TAKE COUPLE OF PICS  

Cool, doesn't matter now what I say because I now have proof I got a standing ovation.

In case some of you don't already know me I'm Andrew, Stacey's best man.  Commonly known by the Bride as Biatch, trollop, local bike and a few other course names which I probably will be arrested for if I repeat them here today.  However, I can actually forgive all those names if she returns my Barbecue and chairs which she borrowed 6 months ago (just a gentle reminder there again sarah).  I'm also compiling a Search warrant so if any of you have any missing items that these 2 have borrowed I'm happy to add them to the list.

You can both lower your arms now and sit down, I just wanted Stacey to have the upper hand over you for the first and last time in your marriage!

So, where shall we start, well firstly I'd like to say a huge thank you for attending the best mans party, and can I say a special thank you to Sarah and Stacey for making such an effort and getting dressed up for the occasion!!!  Although I didn't actually know that Primark did Dress Hire.  But you have to agree that she looks absolutely stunning so can we all raise a glass to Primark……..

No seriously Sarah you look a million dollars in that beautiful dress and I know that Stacey thinks so too as he told me earlier that you will blend really well with the rest of the kitchen.

To Sarah (raise glass)

And to the bridesmaids, who look amazing and have done an excellent job in making this day special for Sarah.

Toast To the Bridesmaids

I have to say it wasn't that much of a shock that I was asked by Stacey to be his best man considering that sarah made 100 or so annoying calls and text messages to me asking “has he asked you yet, as he asked you yet, honestly he's gonna ask you, and the ultimate “Andrew, Stacey loves you, has he asked you yet” and then “god he's bloody useless”.  So eventually the day came when Stacey plucked up the courage and asked me to be his best man…………………..by “Text Message”…………..2 days ago!!!!

Anyway, I've known Stacey for about 5 years or so and it really is a pleasure to stand here and call him my “Mate”.  Mates will do anything to help you out and Stacey is no exception. For example Anybody who knows me will know that DIY is just not one of my fortes and I seemed to have a problem with ..… lets just say….a leakage.  No problem, Stacey being Stacey jumps up and sets to work to sort out my plumbing!!!  You see, mates mates mates.

He's also a guy of very few words.  I always try to make time through the day to contact mates so I usually email Stacey, you know like you do and ask him how he is and how work is and tell him what kind of a day I'm having, usually crap of course.  And what reply do I get from him…………….”yeah”

His work colleagues from what I have also found out describe him as being godlike.  When asked to qualify this they said – they never see you, you make your own rules if you do any work, it's a bloody miracle.

Now I understand that most of you here will know Stacey quite well and most of you will also know Sarah quite well, but I thought this would be an ideal opportunity for us all to get to know them a little bit better as a couple.

For this I have derived a short game of  Mr & Mrs for the newly weds to participate in, so if I could ask the Bride & Groom to stand together back to back – just to avoid seeing each others answers.

Right, all you have to do is simply answer a few simple questions by raising these cards

So try to keep your answers as honest as possible, there will be a prize if you manage to match all of each others answers, which is an open bar for you both for the rest of the night and this has been very kindly donated by Alcoholics Anonymous.

* Test (if required) – Who's the tallest?

Right then, here goes, a nice easy one to start with:

1. When you're on a night out and you both hit the dance floor, who has got the best dance moves?

2. Which of you would be most likely to forget your anniversary?

3. Which one of you is likely to go on holiday and leave a personal item at home only to find that a picture of it has been posted on facebook when you return.

4. Which of you would you say is the most romantic?

And finally, a bit of a tricky one.

5. On your holiday in August last year in Zante, who, after a few glasses of champagne, decided to go skinny dipping in the hotel's indoor pool? And when being caught by hotel staff, then ran naked through the hotel back to your room?

Can you all please give a big hand to the Bride and Groom for being so sporting.

Whilst I still have your attention The Bride and Groom have asked me to read a few cards out

[READ COUPLE OF CARDS]

There's also a couple of telegrams which arrived at the hotel reception this morning.

To Stace we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.

Dear Stacey, congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award! Lots of love from the dancers at Blue Leopard Pole Dancing Club in Leeds.

I'm pleased to say my speech is over now, once again its been an honour to be your best man. I hope you both are fully enjoying your day as much as everyone in this room is.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like you all stand for a toast to our newly wed bride and groom Mr & Mrs Dickinson, wishing them all the happiness in the future..

[TOAST]

Unfortunately as is usually the case with Sarah, a male NEVER has the final word and I understand that the tablets that shes taking for her tourettes problem have finally kicked in.  So I will leave you with a few words from Sarah.