Speech by Andrew “Dabsy” Derbyshire

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew “Dabsy” Derbyshire
Speech Date: 03/10/2012 13:11:19

BEST MAN SPEECH

Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, for those of you that do not know me already, my name is Andrew (Or Dabsy to the majority of you) and I am Gareth's Best Man.

Before I get in to the swing of things, I hear that there is a sweepstake doing the rounds for how long my speech will last, and the nearest to the time wins the money in the pot. So, I would just like to ask my Missus, Sarah, what time she has predicted, and to also ask her to put me down for around the 1 hour 10 minutes mark and we should not be too far off.

So this is the first time I have been asked to carry out the Best Man duties and I must confess to you all I am extremely nervous. This must be the fifth time today I have left a warm seat with several pieces of paper in my hand.

Now I did read somewhere that a Best Man's speech should not take any longer than it takes the Groom to make love. So, on that note ladies and gentlemen, and not wanting to disappoint, can I ask you all to raise your glasses as we toast the new Mr and Mrs Williams.

(PAUSE AND SIT DOWN)

OK OK I am only joking.

As with any wedding, there is a select list of people who I would just like to say a few special words about.

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for making the journey here today, to help celebrate this wonderful occasion.

A special thanks to both of the Ushers, Stuart and Adam. I know Gareth had a huge dilemma when selecting two of his good mates to do the difficult task of directing people to their seats in church. Well done lads.

A massive, massive thank you to both sets of parents, (Steven and Elaine) and (Mervyn and Susan) who have helped out enormously to make today possible. Steven, I know you must have been the proudest Father in the world today as you walked Joanne down that aisle.

To the Bridesmaids and Pageboys, Vici, Ceri-Sian, Lily, Liam and Oliver, you all look absolutely amazing and have done a fantastic job today. I must say, I am looking forward to that first dance later tonight Vici.

And Finally, I come to the Bride and Groom, Gareth and Joanne. What more can I say other than Joanne, you look absolutely stunning, and Gareth, I cannot thank you enough for giving me the chance to be your Best Man and sharing your special day.

(CHEERS)

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession, based solely on intelligence, grit and the will power to push on were others have fallen.

A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the highest level amongst his peers, and were nobody can say a bad word against him.

But that's enough about me, what I am really here for this afternoon, is to talk to you all about my good mate Gareth, Edward, Vaughan, (Rupert) Williams.

Gareth arrived into this world on Friday the 13^th (which does explain a lot) of December 1974. I decided to do a bit of research in to that date, to see what other monumental events had occurred over the years.

The black plague strikes London

Jack the Ripper claims his first victim

Germany invades Poland

So Gareth, I guess you are just the latest, in a long line of disasters.

He does however share the same birthday as Radio 1 DJ Sara Cox, so I decided to have a look in to what song was number 1 in the charts back then. On discovering the answer, I thought to myself how relevant the song is to today. The number 1 on that day back then (Anybody know).

BARRY WHITE: – YOU'RE THE FIRST, THE LAST, MY EVERYTHING.

Words I thought which are so appropriate and meaningful for today.

Gareth and I first got to know each other properly several years ago, whilst playing football for Coppull United U12’s. The best way I could describe him as a player back then, was as a younger version of Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock. Pretty good in the air, not blessed with a great deal of pace, but he certainly did not allow much to get passed him (By fair means or foul). We carried the football on in later life, entering the Coppull Leisure Centre Thursday night league with the Yarrow Old Boys. By then, Gareth had reverted to the position he said he felt most comfortable in – Goalkeeper. After the games we would hit Chorley and sample several Special Mickies (1/2 Caffreys & ½ Carling Premier) and more often than not come home in a drunken state (some things don't change). It's quite funny how football has played a big part in our lives. We were only talking the other night, so I pointed out to Gareth that you can base your marriage around football;

Ensure you are fully committed every week.

Try your best to score every Saturday.

Don't put your tackle in to hard – you may get injured.

And no tackling from behind – especially on your wedding night.

When Gareth asked me to be his Best Man, Naturally I did have some questions. What had I done to deserve such an honour? Who had dropped out? Was I really the best he could come up with? Having accepted the role, I'm pretty happy with how things have gone so far (touch wood). One of the main things for me as a Best Man, was to offer my full support, and to make sure I was there for Joanne and Gareth as and when required. I would like to congratulate Joanne on the meticulous planning of this day. I'd like to thank her for the numerous phone calls, texts, E-Mails and orders I've received over the last few months, to ensure Gareth and I got here in one piece. However, I really had to draw the line when she rang me this morning, and asked me could I smear some Vaseline on Gareth's ring. I know were friends, but we are not that bloody close.

Gareth and Joanne have been together for quite some years now, and seem to have found there soul mates in each other. In life, it's hard to imagine Romeo without Juliet, Posh without Becks and Rupert without Doris. Rupert without Doris I hear you ask? Who are they? Well to be honest, I would have asked the same question up until a month or so ago, when I had a conversation with a slightly tipsy Joanne, who revealed to me these were there pet names for one another. Hearing this was music to my ears, and I always knew you would appreciate me sharing this with you today.

On a serious note though, Gareth did set some initial ground rules regarding the Best Man speech. He asked me not to mention certain skeletons in his closet from the past, which to be honest did surprise me a little, as I thought he'd be more concerned about me mentioning the monsters he has had in his bed. Speaking of those monsters, as it's only fair to do so, I did try to contact them all about today. Fortunately though, due to the 2001 BSE and Foot & Mouth outbreak they are not able to make it.

There are lots more stories I could tell you about Gareth as the list goes on and on.

The burger van and chain story.

Falling over whilst dancing in Cyprus, which led to me kopping a right hand for laughing at him.

Choosing the wrong card for his Fiancé after proposing.

Being carried off the train station by Mrs Williams after a boozy night in Manchester.

However, before I accepted to be Best Man and spill ALL the beans, Gareth seemed pretty keen to strike up a deal with me. Dabsy he said, do me a favour, Please go easy on me with the speech and I promise I'll let you be Best Man at my next wedding.

For the next bit of my speech, I need a little assistance from you both. Joanne, please can you put your hand flat on the table, and then Gareth place your hand on top of it. All will be revealed in a short time, but if you could leave your hands as they are I would appreciate it.

Although I am not married myself, (Sarah gets a bit funny for some reason when I mention it) I thought it only fair that I offer you both a bit of advice for the future.

Joanne, the 5 key points you need to remember are;

A man will treat you right and always stand by your side.

A man will comfort you in times of trouble.

A man will shower you with gifts and compliments.

A man will please you and grant your every request.

But, most importantly and finally,

Make sure that each man does not know the other one's name.

Are those hands still together?

Gareth, a few things for you to consider.

Somebody once said marriage is a 50/50 partnership – But anybody who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

Never forget those 3 magical words….… Your right Joanne.

The best way to remember your anniversary… Forget it once.

But please remember Joanne, don't keep him in the dog house too long, he might give his bone to the woman next door.

After asking around today, it does appear that there is a lot of confusion over where they are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you, that they were off somewhere warm and sunny like Mexico, Cuba, Jamaica (because we know Joanne does not do Europe). But now I am a little unsure. Having spoken to Gareth before we went into church, I think they may be heading towards North Wales. Well, that's what I assumed he meant when he said straight after the wedding, he was going to Bangor for a week.

I'm sure you are all wondering why I asked Gareth to place his hand on top of Joanne's? I will now let you know. Gareth..… As my final role as Best Man, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last few minutes, in which you will ever have the upper hand over Joanne in married life. I do hope you appreciate it mate.

On a serious note and joking apart, words cannot express how happy I am that you have finally tied the knot today. I know, and I am sure everybody else here would agree with me, Gareth you could not have made a better choice in Joanne.

For me, as I said earlier, it has been a great honour to be your Best Man today. We have shared some amazing times over the years gone by and I am sure these will continue long in to the future. I would just like to finish off with a quote for all you Romantics out there.

“MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT FINDING A PERSON YOU CAN LIVE WITH, IT'S ABOUT FINDING THE PERSON YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT”

In Joanne, Gareth has definitely found that person.

So then Ladies and Gentlemen, It gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand one more time and raise your glasses, in a toast to Gareth and Joanne. The new Mr & Mrs Williams. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

GARETH & JOANNE