Speech by Andrew Davies

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Davies
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Not saying I'm nervous!

But…this is the 5th time today I have risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

Ladies and Gentlemen, visiting Dignitaries and of course my sister Katharine, for those who don't know me, I'm Paul's BEST MAN & older brother my name is Andrew "Whatyoudrinking" and if you call me by my full name in the Bar later I'd be sure to answer (a Southern Comfort and Lemonade please).

WELL… my little brother has got married…

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!”

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, Stephanie & Shaunna, I ‘d like to thank Paul for his well-rehearsed kind words, and I'm sure you'd agree with me, don't they look beautiful and what an excellent job they have both done today.

The bride, WELL we all agree how wonderful she looks today, and Paul scrubs up well himself… surprising what a flannel can do!

I must say she is one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet. Vicky, I'm honoured to have you as a sister-in-law, and you'd be glad to know “statistic's prove that 50% of all people that get married in June… are WOMEN!”

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, IT'S LOVE” after marriage, “ IT'S SELF DEFENCE”

To this day I don't know why he asked me to be the best man, perhaps it was to make him look good in the photos… Or he thought he's my brother and I wouldn't say anything that would embarrass him! WRONG… before I carry out the character assassination (I'll leave him sweat a bit longer!!)

Paul and Vicky had a bit of a dilemma, and asked me as the best man to organize the seating arrangements, I pondered and pondered of how I was going to arrange the seating, When the best combination of all, I could think of, was to go by present size, the bigger present received the nearer to the front, and the smaller present the further to the back of the room, I'd like to thank Lorraine and Gerald sitting at the back of the room "for the egg timer!" THANK YOU

I was remembering back to when we were kids looking forward to the weekend, NO school and our only responsibility was? What cartoons to watch on Saturday morning's Multi coloured swap shop! And our only mission was to wind up our older sister Katharine, Both Paul & myself would like to complement our older sister today on her appearance, and how smart she looks, hair by: Nicky Clarke, outfit by: Armani & make-up by B&Q, Kath I picked up that make-up remover on my way like you asked… (Hand out a hammer and chisel) OLD HABITS DIE-HARD!

Just after I got married, Paul said to me, when he gets married he's going to marry a woman with small feet,” I said why” he said so the dishwasher can get closer to the sink!

Last night in the pub, Paul said, I do hope Vicky is wearing white, when I asked him “WHY” he said it would be nice for the dishwasher to match all the other domestic appliances

Paul was a very BAD influence over ME! As you learn now from the…

CHARACTER assassination

There were a few things that Paul made me promise that I would not bring up… like the time he was chased through Porec in Yugoslavia, because the girls there thought he was on of the BROS brothers (artists sketch prop) his BROS phase didn't bother me much until the tops of my Groulsch lager bottles in the fridge started going missing…and appearing on his shoes!

I do hope now he's married he'll take all the BROS, BUCK'S FIZZ & NOLAN SISTERS posters off his bedroom wall.

There's a story I'd like to tell you, well it's more of a confession than a story, I'd like to apologise to our parents before hand for this terrible tale, we do hope they'll forgive us: It was in the summer of 1983, we had gone on a camping trip with the Sea Cadets in Cornwall, it had started getting dark, and we were looking for somewhere to pitch our tents. When we came across a farmhouse, we went up and knocked the door and asked the Farmer if we could pitch our tents in one of his fields, he said YES no problem, what he did say was" DON'T walk around in the fields when it was dark as Cornwall was renowned for it old Tin Mines, and there are old Mine Shafts in the middle of fields. So we pitched our tents and got some KIP, the next morning about 05:30 one of the boys shouted that he had found an old mine shaft, we all went to investigate, I threw a stone in to try and find out how deep it was? We didn't hear it hit the bottom! So I said find something bigger to throw in! 2 minutes later Paul shouts out " I've found something" It was a railway sleeper, about 200-300 yards from shaft, we thought we'd hear that hit the bottom for sure! They dragged it over to the edge of the shaft, counted to 3–1,2,3 and pushed it over the edge, as we were eagerly listening for the sleeper to hit the bottom we heard a rustling through the grass, when we looked, in horror Paul hadn't seen goat sleeping not 20 yards from the railway sleeper, YES you've guessed it the goat was chained to the sleeper to stop it wandering too close to the mine shaft. We said a quick pray for the goat, packed our tents even quicker and left before the farmer realized his goat had met with an untimely ending.

Paul came into our world on the 21st June 1972, the year Mark Spitz won 7 gold medals for Swimming of which probably inspired him in to becoming a manager of a sports shop (I DON'T THINK SO). Looking at him now it's not too hard to believe that quite frankly, he was an ugly baby! In fact, he was so ugly that when he was born the midwife slapped my parents.

Not many people know this but he was very nearly called Thursday, as my father took one look at him and told my mother, right that's it, lets call IT a day!

As he was growing up he didn't have many friends, so my parents tied a bone around his neck so at least the dogs would play with him.

He was educated in Cwrt Sart Comprehensive, and firstly employed by Gilesports in the Quadrant Swansea, as a part-time assistant and progressed to be the manager Not saying that they musty have been desperate, as the old saying goes "A blind chicken gets some corn sometimes!”

Well Paul, I'll give you some good advice as you are new to this marriage lark:

1. It's important to get on with your mother-in-law. I didn't speak to mine for two years. NOT because I didn't like her… I just didn't want to interrupt.

2. Never go to bed angry!… always stay up and argue!

3. Always remember THOSE three little words… YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!

4. Never ever swear at your wife… if there are ladies present.

5. And the best way to remember your anniversary is… to forget it ONCE!

LOVE is a long sweet dream, and marriage… is the ALARM CLOCK

Paul was only telling me last night, that he has decided to make out a WILL, I told him that that was a good idea, then I asked him what kind of things are you going to put in your WILL? He said “ well you know Vicky likes shopping in NEXT IN SWANSEA!” I said YEAH… but what's that got to do with your WILL, he said “I'm arranging to be cremated and have my ashes displayed in the next store in Swansea, I said WHY, He said, “well when I'm dead I'll now she'll visit me at least 6 times a week.

On a serious note, can you all be up standing and charge your glasses while I propose a toast:

To the bride- may she share everything with her husband, including the housework!

To the bride & Groom- may the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out!

ALL THE BEST, VICTORIA & PAUL.= MR. & MRS. DAVIES

Please stay upstanding and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents’…and those who were sadly unable to be here today.

CARDS & TELEGRAMS:

TELEGRAM: To Paul & Vicky, Hope your marriage proves more straightforward than ours. See after recovery from the sex-change op. Love from Auntie Graham & Uncle Edith