Speech by Andrew Ferguson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Ferguson
Speech Date: Aug2005
Introduce yourself!

I've been fraught with worry in preparing this speech and after much deliberation and with all due respect for Jaiks family about what to say and what not to say I realised that I've been like a mother to that boy!

: I'VE WATCHED HIM DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE
: I'VE SEEN HIM STAGGER AROUND NAKED
: I'VE SEEN HIM CRAWL
: I'VE DRESSED HIM………….UNDRESSED HIM
: CLEARED UP AFTER HIM
: AND THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE HAD TO HELP HIM WALK!!!!!!

SO IMAGINE THE SHOCK I GOT WHEN OUT OF THE BLUE HE CALLED ME TO SAY THAT HE HAD GOT ENGAGED………THE THINGS THAT GO THROUGH A MOTHER'S MIND!!!!!

Seriously though, Honour really is the key word here for me though as to say I was incredibly chuffed when Jaik asked me to be his best man is a huge understatement.

I can remember the evening in the brig as we call it in Blairgowrie and to come out of that pub without having been beaten up is usually a result so to emerge as Jaiks best man was just fantastic.

Jaik and Louise are a great couple and I know that she can keep him in line and under control and with this in mind I'd like to run through a couple of 7events from when I've know Jaik.

School
Paperboy:
I've known Jaik for several years now, in fact, ever since he was our paperboy.
There's nothing like a jovial, whistling paperboy first thing in the morning. And Jaik was nothing like a jovial, whistling paperboy. A sullen teenager listening to Prince moping his way up our drive is possibly the reason tips were rarely forthcoming to our “friendly” paperboy, in fact my parents are still waiting for the August 23rd 1989 edition of the Scotsman, none of my Beano free gifts were intact and my dad was dismayed that his copies of &quotGigantic Assets&quot never arrived in good condition. So, Jaik if you'd like to settle up with my parents or me after I finish my speech that would be fine.

512 club:

As a community minded and helpful lad, Jaik helped out by looking after a group of impressionable school age kids during the holidays. This was a great opportunity for kids to learn how to behave from someone older and wiser than themselves. Tayside Police are still at a loss to explain the upsurge in youth crime around this time.

PAUSE and check next story

Jaik, Paul and I have been friends for sometime and a large chunk of our time at school was spent in computing. Our teacher and inspiration during this time the bearded, slightly dorky Mr Port equipped us with computing skills, an understanding of the make up of computer systems and a firy enthusiasm for the subject. We may not have become the greatest students of recent times but our skills at space invaders are legendary.

Space invaders incidentally was launched during 1978 the year of birth for Jaik and Louise. And a couple of stats I found out when researching this speech, Jaik as I know you are a film buff, are that it was also during this year that several famous films were released and I have them written down here:

Remove paper from pocket and read, paper will also have the next couple of topics on it as a mid speech reminder

Buffy the Lesbo Slayer
Big and Busty Vol. 4
Star Whores
Alice in Rumpo Land

Oh sorry it was actually Superman and Grease, I didn't realize I still had that “shopping list you gave me Jaik.

PAUSE and check next story

Perhaps Jaik was more influenced by those early school days than we thought as he went on to study at Edinburgh in computing science:

University and comp science:

And As we know computing students are some of the most maligned members of society. The stereotype is a lonely, bespectacled, acne@ridden geek who spends him time playing wargames and listening to Pink Floyd, with only limited contact with the fairer sex. This is totally unfair. Jaik has never suffered from acne.&quot

Post Uni
Driving:
Jaik has been broadening his horizons lately, by learning to drive. I can remember the first time Jaik drove and it was with me. We went to the golf course practice ground near Blairgowrie and I tried to teach the man clutch control and the intricacies of driving. It was truly hilarious as my teaching and Jaiks initial ability were awful. I should really, at this stage apologise to my parents at the back there as it was their car and though the experience was good fun and useful for Jaik, I am sure that this is the reason our family car made a funny noise when you turned left!

Anyway, Jaiks new professionally trained ability to drive is bound to come in useful, after all it will allow him easy access to the delightful and picturesque parts of bonnie Dundee , such as…..eh..…

pause for effect, scratch head, etc.

…..well, eh….at least he'll be able to get out of Dundee more easily.

Now, those with more experience are generally very forgiving when they see ”L” plates but will expect some fumbling and mistakes at first @ on that note you may want to take them on the honeymoon as well Jaik.

Produce some L plates for Jaik

Football:

Jaik would often participate in a kick about at school and enjoyed his football. As we seem to be helping Jaik with advice for the honeymoon, it's only fair that we help Louise along too

produce red cards.

Louise, these may come in handy if Jaik is looking to score but is offside, has dirty equipment or worse still, is inappropriately using his hands in the box.

New found love of Narrow boating:

Other than todays events with the loving couple it is, of course, the duty of the best man to organize a celebration just for the groom…the stag do. Now for Jaik I consulted him and a selection of people and we strived to go where no stag party has gone before, this is no mean feat and it is with considerable pride that I can let you know that we chose the pastime of narrow boating…..…

Yes that's right, narrow boating……

8 brave men battled to take charge of the vessel known as Tamar and I can honestly say we were a terrible crew! Personally I drove the boat into the nearest wall within seconds of taking the helm and with the hire company still on board, they didn't look to comfortable with the quantity of alcohol that Jaik was ordering us to lift aboard either.

One of the first rules of the waves when boating is to drive at a pace that makes sure there is never a breaking wash, which is a large wave that might erode the river banks, Stuart, ever the engineer and keen to challenge the rules, thought that he knew better and I can tell you that seeing baby ducks swamped by huge waves accompanied by a man with a maniacal grin is a shocking sight and a side of the man that will be sure to keep Jaik in tow for years to come.

SO obviously I cannot tell you too much detail of the stag do but I think that for the gents that were their and Stuart included none of us will forget the stag dressed in his pirate gear on a night in town in Chester, the relaxed and steady pace of drinking and of course the untold adventures of rocco.

I would personally like to thank the the groom for selecting me as his best man and I'd like to compliment the bridesmaids who I know you all agree look stunning today. It's one of the formalities I am required to do but it really is true, you all look great.

Louise you look amazing and I truly wish you and Jaik all the happiness in the world.

Card readings
SO bringing the speech to a close it really is fantastic to see Jaik and Louise so happy, I've known you both for many years and I know that year to come in the future you will look back to this day with pride and love at being able to spend your day with your friends and family…On that note I would like to propose a toast, please charge your glasses to Jaik and Louise.