Speech by Andrew Gray

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Gray
Speech Date: aug 2002
Can you hear me at the bar?

In that case mine's a gin and tonic. Bada boom.

On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank G for his kind words. I am sure you will agree they complimented B's radiance today in a smashing fashion. And they did a great job.

I'm G's younger brother, BM – keeper of the family's hair, and not doing a particularly good job at that – so I hope I will do a better job today with this, the best man's speech.

I was at a wedding a few weeks ago where the best man held up three identical envelopes to the bride containing three very different speeches.

Marked on one side so the bride couldn't see, the first envelope said: "embarrass the groom and his family".

The second said "embarrass the bride and her family".

And the third said "Get annulment now".

The best man made the bride choose which speech to give, without her knowing the implications.

And everyone thought it was a hoot. Much fun and laughter was had, and I thought about doing the same today. But, knowing all the hard work and effort B has put into making today the success it undoubtedly is, I thought it would be unfair to present her with such a heinous choice. So I thought I would just go for the hatrick and see if I can't knock off all three speeches in one.

So here goes …

Modern theory on best man speeches is that my speech should resemble, by way of analogy, the Groom's efforts in consummation of this afternoon's contract.

So B, in the light that theory, I don't know if you thought the first couple of minutes of my speech were any good? Maybe we can just call it a false start. And I can start again. Maybe tomorrow when I have sobered up.

No?

Or I just keep going? Shall I keep going? She wants me to keep going!? Superb!

In that case I'll just get myself all animated here for a minute or two and it will all die down.

For those of you who don't yet know G, I will give you a brief run down.

Born 28 October 1966. At school, G excelled as an oarsman making a highly competitive first VIII. Having said that, despite his earnest involvement, G was a fairly indifferent Rugby player. Over the years, various teams tried him in several positions, and they all reported that he was hopeless. B, I wish you better luck I should say that the only position he was ever any good at was hooker.

G then had a distinguished career in the Australian army making the rank of captain before coming to this country. He worked at Xerox meeting PS, a groomsman today, before moving into IT consulting, a career that has taken him for the minute to The Netherlands.

But, before I forget, B, I have a telegram. And its addressed to you! From Darrell!?

For those of you who are not up on the in-joke, G and I have another brother Darrell. Some would say Darrell's an imaginary brother. G's mother and father protest that Darrell doesn't exist, but I swear I have met him on many occasions.

Growing up, Darrell was the brother who got himself into all sorts of nasty scrapes, with the ladies as a general rule, god bless them as Darrell would say.

He was the brother who, at the age of 14 – and as a lawyer I've checked the statute of limitations, I can say this – at 14 he managed to snog 10 different girls on the same river cruise and, the more amazing feat in my mind, not get beaten up by any of them.

Not long after, he was the brother who taught me off-road driving in Mum's Datsun 120Y. And for those of you not familiar with the suburbs of Perth, driving "off road" means driving "across your neighbours front garden", wheels spinning, out of control, through the central rose garden feature that was fashionable at the time. And then thump, back onto the road, where on-road driving was resumed, in an equally out of control fashion

Darrell is also known for his parties. One such party took place the weekend before G joined the army. And it was a mystery.

The rest of the family were all in Europe. G was at home quietly physically and mentally preparing for the ordeal ahead. And a very strange thing happened.

Throughout the entire weekend, G heard nothing.

Throughout the entire weekend, our neighbour and friend, X, here today all the way from sunny Perth, god bless, also heard nothing.

Yet, the following Monday morning, the remaining 18 out of 20 apartments in the complex all complained of a wild and raucous party at the family's apartment.

And it remained a mystery.

Until, some months later, I found a little nugget of Kodak gold. A film! And I had it developed. And there was photographic evidence of Darrell himself, together I think with X, also here today all the way from sunny Oz, on our neighbour's roof, doing the swim, and being encouraged by many and varied wild and raucous young things.

In any event, enough about Darrell, except to say, B, Darrell sends his apologies that he can't be here right now. But he says he'll do his best to drop by the hotel for a "night cap" later on this evening.

SERIOUS TELEGRAMS

STAG DO

The law of stag governs much of the weekend, if you have seen the website will know why and if you haven't, it is probably better that you don't.

I myself was late for the stag do. I was looking for a camera with brown-eye reduction.

All I can say is that B almost lost G to one of Amsterdam's professional delights. Her name was Keith and I have to say she was gorgeous. But yet G resisted and no harm was done.

WORDS OF ADVICE

I thought I would run with the wine analogies here.

B – advice to you – a man is like a fine – he starts as a grape – then you have to crush the bugger under your feet, keep him in a barrel for five years and he might turn into something you want to have dinner with.

G – advice to you – counter-intuitively a woman is like cheap plonk – if you have more than one, it'll give you a nasty headache.

G will obviously need more advice than that:-

So, G, some Confucius sayings. Confucius say:

A man who can admit he is wrong, when he is wrong, is a wise man.
A man who can admit he is wrong, when he is right, is happily married man.

In that vein, G, you will come to learn that you will never argue with B, you will merely disagree with her view before you realise you are wrong.

THANK YOUS

Basically I want to thank pretty much everyone here on behalf of pretty much everyone else.

I would like to that B and G for their kind invitation to us all to come and share this special day with them. I would especially like to thank B for all the hard work she has put it.

I would also like to thank the parents of B and G for their respective contributions to making this day the success it undoubtedly is.

And I would like to thank all of you for attending. Especially those of you who have come from outside of London, outside of England and especially the Australian contingent who have travelled so far to be here.

I would like to thank you for battling London traffic and weather to get here. Living in London myself I know it can be a very difficult and confusing place to get around. I did hear that a couple of people got lost on the way to the Church, but thankfully their married now.

And in that vein and in conclusion I would like to propose a toast, so would you please all charge your glasses and be upstanding.

To the Bride and Groom.