Speech by Andrew Hamilton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Hamilton
Speech Date: Oct2004
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, XXXX, XXXX and XXXX, I'd like to thank XXXX for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job. I've been reliably told by my girlfriend that it's quite difficult to pout, look pretty and hold flowers all at the same time, however I'm sure you'll all agree they pulled it off and did a splendid job; not least getting XXXX to the church on time (or almost on time) – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle.

I'd also like to echo XXXX's comments and thank everyone again on their behalf for coming and sharing their special day, particularly those that have travelled long distances.

For those of you that haven't bought me a drink yet, I'm Andy and I've been sentenced to being XXXX's best man today. It's said that being asked to be best man is one of the greatest honours you can be given, (personally I can't help thinking I'd have preferred an OBE and a trip to Buckingham Palace, but there you go). However it's also said that it's one of the most terrible things you can do to a friend, so thanks to XXXX for giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself amongst his friends and family. Remind me to repay the favour one day.

As this is my first time being best man, I was a little worried as to how long the speech should go on for. I asked around and the accepted norm seemed to be that it should go on for as long as it takes the groom to make love to his wife on their wedding night.… So on that note ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much, you've been a great crowd.

Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple. Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or worse and XXXX, you really couldn't have done any better. And XXXX, .… I guess it could be worse!

Being best man

Anyway, when XXXX first asked me to be best man, i naturally had many questions.
– What had i done to be bestowed with such an honour?
– Had all his other friends left the country?
– Who else had refused? Yes, you know who you are Jonny, Martin, Ben, Russ, the man from the newspaper shop, some bloke he met in the street, his year 3 maths teacher.

And most importantly, could i refuse and still get an invitation to consume lots of alcohol? It was a risk i wasn't going to take.

After I'd accepted, and I had to think about what to say, it occurred to me that writing the speech is a bit like marrying into a harem … you know what your supposed to do, but where do you begin?

Naturally, in today's world, the obvious place seemed to be the internet. So, with a multitude of resources at my fingertips i began searching the web. After a couple of hours i'd found some really entertaining stuff, but then i remembered that i was supposed to be looking for best man tips and got back to the job in hand.

One of the main tips it gave me was to get to know the bride as well as possible, as it's her big day as well as the grooms. I've really enjoyed getting to know XXXX, and would like to congratulate her on the meticulous planning for this special day. In particular I'd like to thank her for the numerous phone calls, messages, texts, e-mails and orders I've received over the last few months to ensure XXXX and I got here in one piece. However I really had to draw the line when she phoned me up this morning and asked me to smear some Vaseline on XXXX's ring. I know we're friends XXXX, but we're not that close.

One of the other tips I found said that I should try and find out a bit more about where XXXX grew up, what his background is, so here goes.

XXXX was born on 5 May 1978, which was the same day the government announced that contraceptives would be freely available on request, although I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Fortunately for me (sorry, that's meant to read UNfortunately for me), I didn't meet XXXX until 28 September 1996, when we arrived at university. During our time together, in between the many hours of studying, revising and maturing we shared many firsts:
We discovered that
– simultaneous kidney failure could be brought on by vodka lime and lemonade, that the
– east midlands police are much more accommodating than their west midlands counterparts, even if you drive the wrong way down a dual carriageway, and that
– mullets and sideboards, no matter what anyone says, were not a good idea. I'm glad to see that XXXX has relaxed today and managed to let his hair down, as so often in the past it's his hair that's let him down.

Throughout our friendship XXXX has taught me many things;
– He's taught me that it's perfectly acceptable to have birthday celebrations that last a week
– That men do really do ask questions such as ‘does this top make me look fat’
– And that they get upset when you answer ‘yes’. That
– You can live on a staple diet of three foods; cheese rolls, walkers crisps (plain), and apples.

But it's only in adversity that you really find out about each other, and our time duly came during his recent stag do. Now the law of the stag prevents me from telling more, but as a government official I am of course open to bribery. So if you want to hear how early on Saturday morning – after an evening of dogs, clubs, casinos, bars, and revolving dance floors – Leon was desperately tugging at XXXX helmet, while Rich held him down trying to pull him off, only to be told by the man who we'd just given £30 for the pleasure that ‘it was no use because his head's too big’, then see me in the bar afterwards and I'll tell you all about our go-karting adventure.

Advice

Just before I wind up, or am wound up by XXXX's dad waiting to thank me for ruining their day, I'm supposed to offer some advice. And so, to XXXX, and this is rather apt, knowing as we do your penchant for a glass of wine:

– men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your
job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would
like to have dinner with.
– that said though XXXX, i'm told women are also like a fine wine. they start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied
with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a
headache.

It's also been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you all realise that anyone who believes this knows very little about women or fractions.

And finally…

And finally – there seems to be a bit of confusion over where XXXX and XXXX are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you that they were off to the sunny climbs of Mexico but now I'm not so sure. After speaking to XXXX just before we sat down for the meal I think they're going to North Wales …….… Or at least I think that's what he meant when he said that straight after the wedding he was going to Bangor for a week!

Toast

Joking aside though, knowing the feeling that you get when you realise you have met the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, it's a feeling that you want to make the most of, and we are here to celebrate that with you both…long may it continue…

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be best man today.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to echo what I said earlier and thank everyone for sharing their special day.

On behalf of myself, I would just like to say that if you have enjoyed this speech half as much as I've enjoyed giving it, then I can only apologise. I started planning it about a month ago and you must feel that I've been delivering it for equally as long.

So then, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand…… I'd like you to raise your glasses in a toast to XXXX and XXXX, the new Mr and Mrs XXXX who we wish well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

XXXX and XXXX.