Speech by Andrew Lawson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Lawson
Speech Date: Mar2003
Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to begin to thank ……… & ………… on behalf of …….., I am sure you will agree what a good job she has done today and how lovely she looks.

It's a great honour to be best man today. ….… and I have been best mates all our lives and I think I am right in saying that we have been through a lot over the years and I'm glad most of them aren't here today!!

I was a bit worried when I put this speech together about how long it should last. A bit of advise my dad gave me was don't speak for too long as people get bored, …….others said be as long as it takes the groom to make love ……..so thank you for listening

I'd just like to start the speech and ask you to raise your glasses for the most important toast of the day, and that is to me…… for doing such a wonderful job in introducing ..… to …..… It is very pleasing for me to see …… at last with a good looking girl as I can honestly say that all of …….’s previous girlfriends have all been absolute horrors!!!

However to be fair to be ……., there is one in particular which I can remember. She had lovely long legs, great body, tremendous bust, luscious lips, absolutely stunning!! One day he came running to my house in tears, I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he over inflated her and she popped!

As I said, ……… and I have been mates all our lives and it has been a very good friendship but there has been a couple of things that have occurred that still concern me.

The first being, from the age of about 11, …… befriended a lad called …….… who was commonly known as the village idiot. The first time they met was when Clive made Nick strip in the middle of the football pitch. I think this was to do with a difference in opinion on the football strip …… was wearing. This obsession for stripping then carried on for quite a while. Every time we saw ….… after that he was trying to get us to take our clothes off!

The second is his obsession for Prince Charles, …… had the pleasure of undertaking an operation to rectify his private parts. Now as most men in the room know, blood flow increases and decreases at various times of the day and during these more sensitive times, his mum & dad were often woken to .… singing “Prince Charles, Prince Charles” – According to …… Prince Charles was the only person he thought of that worked in assisting him through the painful period!!

For all you people who don't know …… very well, If I had to describe him then I would probably say he was a Straight Down the Line, Sensible Type of Guy but ……’s biggest quality is that he is extremely tolerant, I am not quite sure whether this is an inherited trait or this is something he has had to be having friends like us – for example he has always had to put up with alarm calls at ridiculous times of both the day and night, unordered pizzas and taxis being sent to his house and when he worked at the bank, phone calls on a daily basis from the likes of Paul Gasgoine to Nelson Mandella

Finally, I think ……’s patience ran out and for a bit of peace and quiet, he took off travelling to Australia for 12 months.

As some of you may know In dear old …… quest to find happiness he joined an internet dating website hoping that the world of technology would ward off the ugly ducklings.

After a little research we have actually managed to get hold of …… personal profile and it wont come as any surprise to you why this road to love became a dead end for our man.

Name

……………..…

Tag Line

Ginger biscuit looking for Chocolate Finger

General interests

Collecting and playing with Star Wars figures, building and customising my model train set and dressing up as a soldier to play out with my friends.

Favourite Books Magazines

Dick and Jane ( I think that's the under 18’s version ) The Beano and any fluffy, musical pop up picture books.

Favourite Films TV shows.

Scooby Doo the Movie , John Cravens Newsround and the Teletubbies

Place most want to visit

Workington

Favourite Music

The cheeky girls , Timmy mallet

Description.

I am a happy go lucky genuine and honest chap although I do have a disabled thumb and a wonky eye. My facial hair can tend to become ginger during extended periods of non shaving hence making me look a bit like shaggy from scooby doo. I genuinely love dressing up as a soldier and playing with my train set at weekends and often also march up and down Bury road waving at passing traffic. I have around twelve thousand
train numbers stored in my ivor the engine notebook and it is my ambition to one day own a steam powered car.

I am genuinely looking for a person of preferably the opposite sex tos hare in my adventures and become my locomotive of desire.

Only serious people need apply.

Now come people, is it any wonder …… ended up locked in his house for the following three months with in his soldiers outfit with only his trains for company ???

As for speed dating, I won't even go in to that, he messed that one up when he turned up at an all male event.

Anyway, as the saying goes, good things do come out of bad. I took it upon myself to put …….’ lovelife on the right lines. I decided without …… consent to set him up on a blind date so following a conversation with …..… at a party I very kindly gave her his number and encouraged them to go on a blind date! It very nearly didn't happen because …… thought that it was a wind up and needed reassurance from my wife that is was genuine and that …..… didn't look like a Russian Shot putter.

It didn't take long before they realised that they had something special and within a few weeks when most couples are arranging their second date going to the pictures, …..… whisks ……….off to Barbardos!!!! Even I'm impressed with that one. As we all know, upon returning to sunny Lancashire they decided to set up home together and now here we are today celebrating their marriage.

Over the past couple of years, I have got to know …….… quite well and I'd like to say that I think she is a nice caring person. I am however slightly bemused when people have described her as intelligent! if she was that intelligent she wouldn't be marrying Nick!

Finally, I hope you have a great honeymoon ………… I am slightly confused however because Caroline told me that they were going to Fuerto Ventura for a week but …..… told me last night that he was just to BANGOR for a week

I would like to say that it is a privilege and a pleasure to see two fantastic people make this lifelong commitment to each other. I know you'll have a long & happy life together. Ladies & Gentlemen, could I now ask you to please stand and raise your glasses in a toast to, ……..…

Unfortunately, not everybody could make it today, including …..… mates from football. They have, however, sent a message of goodwill:
‘We've found Nick to be useless in every position. Hope …….… has more luck. Congratulations!’