Speech by Andrew MacLennan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew MacLennan
Speech Date: sep 2002
Best mans speech

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr and Mrs M.

There's no greater a privilege than to be asked to be a best man – and a no more terrifying a prospect than having to do the Best Man's speech. It's the speech that no one wants to do. The best man doesn't really know what he's expected to say and yet his speech is supposed to be humorous – but it might not be. It's supposed to be short – but it probably won't be. It should be original – but it seldom is, it should not offend – and most do and finally it's supposed to be sincere and I certainly intend mine to be. In fact I cannot be more sincere than to say to A. what an honour you have done to me by asking me to be your Best Man today.

That said, whilst you are all here to enjoy yourselves, the poor best man has to work for his supper – not that he is able to enjoy his food for the thought of making that speech. He is so nervous he can hardly eat his meal. A. seeing how nervous I was, arranged for me to have the best seat in the house – namely cubicle 3 in the Gent's toilet.

There's even a sign behind the door which reads ‘the best man inspects these toilets at 15-minute intervals. If you have any complaints please report it to the best man – after all he was the last person in here’.

It's customary for the best man to tell a story about the groom but I intend to tell you one about the bride and the groom.

I suspect that if you're a parent with grown up siblings, you'll recognise the situation. If you're single you may recognise the situation but it doesn't apply to you and if you have young children then this is what the future holds.

The scene is set in a quiet semi in A.. Derby and Joan are very content together and life is rather peaceful when one day the phone rings. ‘Hi Mum. it's A. here. You know I said I didn't think T. and I would make it up to A. this trip – well we've made up some time so are just setting off and the good news is that we'll see you in about 7 hours’.

Well you'd have thought Royalty was visiting. It was pandemonium just mayhem. The Hoover was hoovering, the polish was polishing and the cooker was cooking. I knew P. meant business when the toilets were cleaned for the second time in 24 hours. This went on for fully 6 and three quarter hours when once more albeit for a brief space of time peace returned to number **.

Then clunk, clunk – it was the sound of a car entering the drive. Once more it was pandemonium – just mayhem. I've never seen so much luggage come out from the back of a Peugeot 205 and all dumped in the newly hoovered hall – It was so untidy it looked just like A's bedroom!

‘You must be hungry after that long journey’ says P. ‘come and have something to eat’. ‘Here's a little something I rustled up’ Perhaps T. thought to herself ‘there's enough food to feed an army’ but what she probably didn't realise was this was the boy that was reared on 8 Weetabix a day for breakfast.

In what seemed like no time at all the plates were empty and A. uttered these words that every Mother would love to hear – ‘don't get up Mum, T. and I will put the dishes through to the kitchen for you before we go out’.

As they headed out P. looks at A. saying those words that every son dreads to hear – ‘what time will you be home?’ I'm not sure replies the bold hero – ‘it might be tonight or perhaps even tomorrow.’ Then it was T's turn to speak and she looked him straight in the eye, (or as straight as a 5foot 5 is ever likely to do to a 6foot7), and said ever so sweetly –we haven't discussed it yet, A.. It was then that A. realised that put quite simply love is the change from I to we.

It's not that often that a best man can say he's known the groom as long as his mother’ but I can. Like all Fathers I never see my children as grown up. It's not that long ago I was bemoaning to a friend that A. was a typical teenager when P. reminded me he was 27.

Little A. is the baby of the family but I can assure you he was no late baby – in typical A. fashion, though, he was much more of a late teenager. I suspect many of you, parents, will have been there as well – sharing breakfast with your son while you have your lunch and, and where at best, the conversation is monosyllabic. A's late teenage habits did bring us together though. In those days I used to golf in the very early morning and would meet A. on his way home. Happy days, indeed.

But things change, time moves on and A. heads away to the great US of A. As parents, we were concerned. But we could also admire him for his courage and sense of adventure. P. and I are delighted that this adventure has resulted in us all being here today. I don't often get the chance to say well done to A. but as the football manager would say ‘the boy done good!’

Today is not just special for me because I'm the best man – it's special for me because I'm also a father, a husband, brother, friend, cousin and so on. But, just as important, I also became a father in law today and perhaps a little more unusually from today I now sleep with a Granny. I'm delighted to welcome both T. and R. into our family. P. and I are really looking forward to our new role.

I can but wish the new Mr and Mrs M. every success in the future. Many of you will know that they are preparing to open a restaurant where T. will use her culinary skills as the Chef and A. his wide and varied knowledge of alcohol as the Barman. Now that's what I call making the best use of your talents.

As I said at the start I'm not very sure what a best man is supposed to say in his speech. I do know he really has only one thing he must cover and that is to say to the groom ‘A., on behalf of the matron of honour and the bridesmaids thank you very much for all that you said. I can only but agree with your comments.

I would like to finish my speech by making a toast to the 2 most important persons here today – Ladies and gentlemen – a toast to the Chef and the Barman. Thank you.