Speech by Andrew Mitchell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Mitchell
Speech Date: Dec2004
Good afternoon Ladies and gentlemen, can you all hear me ok at the back….well can you get me beer in then.

Fornication, sorry for an occasion such as this I was terrified about making this speech, just to give you some idea how nervous this is the 5th time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

So Robin and Helen have finally got married, for better or worse, which is very appropriate really as Robin couldn't of done any better and Helen couldn't of done any worse

I must say Helen looks stunning, and Robin. Well he just looks stunned, no Robin really does look the part as well, though he did copy my outfit.

A lot of people say being best man is like being asked to make love to the queen, it's a massive honour but no one really wants to do it. In fact I remember when Robin asked me to be best man. I was walking home form work when my phone rang, I answered the phone and was speaking to Robin, however while I was on the phone-instead of carrying on home I mysteriously started heading toward the pub, Robin said he was just round the corner so he said he'd pick me and pop into said pub so Helen there is the proof, Robin really can drive you to drink

I would like to the Bridesmaids, firstly for performing their role so gracefully and for looking fantastic throughout the day and secondly getting Helen to the church, which must of taken some persuading and also of course thank the ushers who have done a great job erm ushering people

Thanks should of course also go to both sets of parents for funding the wedding and providing the leading protagonists, that's the bride and groom for the benefit of Robins pals.

At this stage of the proceedings it is normal for the best man to tell the bride a little about the man she is marrying.
Robin can be described as handsome, witty, intelligent generous a great lover and per, per sorry Rob can't read your writing.

For those of you who don't know me ( and some may say you're the lucky ones) I'm Guy and I've been Robins mate for 20 years, I've known him for 25.

At this point in my speech I would of liked to told you about the stag weekend in Prague, I wanted to tell you how drunk robin got and the mischief he got up to and even about the clubs we got thrown out of, however the law of the stag does not allow me to do this, also Robin's solicitor has advised caution until the court case next month. In all seriousness though stag do passed with out any major incidents but was possible the funniest 2 days I've had for a long time

I'd now like to talk about Robins previous loves, he was bowled over by Stella at an early age and had a particular fondness for sherry, that said he did and still does have a soft spot for them all including Carlsberg, Whisky Gin and Grolsch, as you will no doubt notice this evening

I'm going to need Robin and Helen to stand for this part of the speech and help me out. Helen could you please hold your hand out in front of you like this, Robin can you now place your hand on Helens like this, enjoy the feeling mate cos this is the last time your gonna have the upper hand.

Robin and Helen have been together for 7 years now though they have know each other for 17, as he said and have already done so much together, from the exclusive luxury club in which they had their fisrt kiss. Rosies. to doing up their 1st house, in fact you may not realise that Robin and Helen will be moving again soon, back to the DIY. Married life will no doubt start with a lot of banging and screwing.

After all these years their love for each other still seems so pure and simple, Helen so pure and Robin so simple. Robin has indeed found someone very special and I feel that I can say that in all seriousness, There are not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend as well as the groom but I am lucky in that I can do just that. It really is an honour, though possibly the most terrifying one of my life, to be the best man here today and I'd like to offer them the traditional best mans wish of good luck, good health and happiness, it is also my duty to reply on behalf of the bridesmaids and thank Robin for his kind words and gifts and despite repetition they all do look absoloutley amazing.

I now have to read a few cards and telegrams from absent friends and relatives.

Real ones then add

From the Hotel Sardinia,
Congratualtions to you both on this special day, we look forward to making your honey moon a special and memorable one, please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive, we are putting something on for you………The Roof!

To the groom,
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and the bride, we hope you will continue your subscription

Playboy magazine.

Now comes the time when I ask if you could join me in a toast to some very special people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure we will all pass by them at some point and exchange a few kind words, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and join me in a toast ………..to the barstaff.

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing in their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and although I've said it before it now gives me immense pleasure(and a certain amount of relief) to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Robin and Helen, Mr and Mrs Scott no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage……Robin and Helen Scott.